Search found 8 matches

by writeonsistah
September 28th, 2010, 4:37 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: 1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #3*
Replies: 28
Views: 7461

Re: 1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #3*

Hi Krista! Hopefully I don't come off as a total idiot for saying this, and I feel a bit like one because it seems that most of the other commentors are totally getting what's going on in your first page, but I guess I'll speak up for those of us who are not quite so quick on the draw, lol. I'm a bi...
by writeonsistah
September 28th, 2010, 2:13 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure
Replies: 9
Views: 2601

Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

For starters, you seem to have a pretty unique premise and the ending definitely left me wondering what will happen next. I like the idea of Gabe being at home with no idea how he got there and Avery... she seems super creepy Thanks in advance for any advice offered. All constructive compliments we...
by writeonsistah
September 28th, 2010, 2:01 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 6943

Re: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)

Hi JadePhoenix! Just read your first chapter and man, I am HOOKED. Kristen was annoying but I did not see that ending coming. Killing a character in the first chapter? Bold move and I loved it! You've definitely peaked my curiosity about what these level 3's vs. level 6's, etc are. My only suggestio...
by writeonsistah
September 27th, 2010, 4:37 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First 250 words
Replies: 9
Views: 2138

Re: First 250 words

Hi Amanda! I don't read a lot of this type of fantasy, so maybe part of the issue of my unfamiliarity with the genre, but I was pretty confused by this. I'd like more explanation of the moon paths and who these characters are and what they are doing there. It seems like you have the world very clear...
by writeonsistah
September 27th, 2010, 4:33 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Fantasy novel 1st page
Replies: 12
Views: 3950

Re: Fantasy novel 1st page

Hi! I'll add a few of my thoughts. I think you've got a really compelling opening scene and I love your first sentence. That drew me in right away. But it was a little description-heavy for me. Maybe that's just a personal thing because I tend to favor action over lyrical descriptions. Hello! Ravene...
by writeonsistah
September 27th, 2010, 4:21 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Dirt chpt 3- feedback on dialogue
Replies: 6
Views: 1542

Re: Dirt chpt 3- feedback on dialogue

Hi! I enjoyed your story and don't have a ton to add in addition to what's been said, but I have a few comments. -In the opening paragraph, it took me a minute to understand who the speaker was. "Sammy dragged Birdie toward the back porch. He refused to answer her endless questions or talk at all, w...
by writeonsistah
September 27th, 2010, 4:08 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: SPIDER: Chapter 2
Replies: 3
Views: 1348

Re: SPIDER: Chapter 2

I enjoyed it, though I agree with the previous poster's comment that the POV could be confusing at times. Love the name Kalison and I actually quite liked the characterization of Gran. I guess that whether or not it's necessary will depend on how much dialogue she has later in the story.
by writeonsistah
September 27th, 2010, 4:06 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First page of YA novel, Jasmine Powers, Super Geek
Replies: 7
Views: 2403

First page of YA novel, Jasmine Powers, Super Geek

These are the first 280 words of my first book, a YA novel. I'd love to hear your feedback on whether or not the opening conflict is strong enough to draw you in and if it gives you enough of a feel for the main character. Characterization really starts in the next scene, but this setups a lot of wh...