Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Draft one Emma, a Christmas Angel, lands, torn and bleeding, in the arms of a vampire. Together they must try to save humanity from a murderer who inhabits Heaven while God is trapped in Hell. Emma the Seraphim is an unconventional angel with a dirty mouth. Jason Parish is a vampire who has yet to ...

Quill wrote:

Debra_A wrote:

Here is try 3, I changed the point of view a bit. Any impressions? I appreciate your feedback! Thanks.

Where is try 3? Would you mind posting new versions in line in the thread so we can easily follow the progression?

Meantime I'll look around some more! Thanks!

Sure! Let me go grab them. ;)

Jack’s been Satan for a thousand years. He knows how to be good, but his body accepts evil like an addictive drug. Jack’s talents lie in torture and seduction. Every woman that is condemned to Hell submits to him, that is until a broken Angel forces her way into his domain. Jack can still smell the ...

Richard's only wish is for a family would adopt him. Instead he has found himself adopted by Dr. Holmes. Dr. Holmes wants to learn about Richard's suspected telepathic abilities, with a scalpel if necessary. Rebecca, having lost her husband to heroin addiction and her son to bureaucrats wielding re...

Emma, a Christmas Angel, I think you might need to expound on this point. There are different types of angels? Help the agent know why it's significant that she's this type of angel. And how is it different from a seraphim? The two different titles get confusing in this short a space. lands, torn a...

Okay. I will do another draft. I appreciate your time and opinion!

Thank you all for your help! I've paired the meat of the query down to the following sentences: Is it too little to offer? What obvious thing am I missing? Thank you all so very much. Writing seems like a lonely past time, it is so nice to hear from others doing the same thing. Emma the Seraphim is ...

Hi Debra! Emma, a Christmas Angel, lands, torn and bleeding, in the arms of a vampire. I really think that this first sentence needs something more too it if you are going to keep it as the opening for the query. And I sort of find it a little bit confusing. "lands, torn and bleeding, in the a...

Hi Debra. Queries are so difficult, so good first try. I'm no expert on queries, mine also has gone through tons of revisions and still needs work. I do have some comments, though. First of all, this query left me with more questions than answers. Why does Emma land in the arms of a vampire? Why do...

Wow, Debra_A! Your protagonists have to save God? Could you have given them a BIGGER task? 'Jason's wait on Earth includes and vicious assault from their enemy who is using Heaven's entire arsenal for evil.' sounds like it's missing a word or two. Thanks! I will look at that wording again. Saving G...

Hi Debra, I've only reviewed a dozen or so queries, and have been working on my own (it's on the forums, and you can see for yourself that it's far from good), so take the following for what it's worth! Emma, a Christmas Angel, lands, torn and bleeding, in the arms of a vampire. I thought this firs...

So this is the first try at CS's query letter. My goal is to keep it short and informative (like everyone else, I'm sure) I apprecaite any crit you are willing to offer, and I am open to reading things from others, let me know with a message! Emma, a Christmas Angel, lands, torn and bleeding, in the...

Hi!

I'm a writer and a mom and a reader. I'm researching and brushing up on query practice for submitting my second manuscript. The first is sort of in limbo, being read by an agent and a publisher. While I wait for their answers, I decided to start making a package for the second manuscript. So hi!