Search found 21 matches
- October 16th, 2010, 7:36 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Book of Shadows, Horror Excerpt
- Replies: 9
- Views: 4541
Re: Book of Shadows, Horror Excerpt
Okay.... We're here for criticism, right? Proper spirit, all that? Part me feels this is cheap shot, but another part of me is moved to say that I truly hope "Book of Shadows" is only a working title. I googled "Book of Shadows" and got 1,340,000 hits in 0.17 seconds. It just sou...
- October 16th, 2010, 2:39 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: SPIDER: Chapter 2
- Replies: 3
- Views: 2405
Re: SPIDER: Chapter 2
“—which is why I’ll be riding shotgun,” Elsa autocratically announced. Calvin and Kalison were both disappointed, but they knew better than to argue with Gran. While she could be wonderfully wild and fun, she also had a wicked temper and a caustic wit. At the advanced age of eighty-five, her health...
- September 29th, 2010, 12:17 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
- Replies: 26
- Views: 12287
Re: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
Okay, so what if instead of Knight saying, "Please don't be another werewolf," he says, "Please don't be another ___________." For _________ you simply invent some kind of monster native to your world with its own unique name and characteristics. The reader won't know what it is,...
- September 27th, 2010, 4:27 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: SPIDER: Chapter 2
- Replies: 3
- Views: 2405
SPIDER: Chapter 2
Title: THE SON OF THE SPIDER, CH 2 Genre: YA Word Count: 355 Sir Horace helped the MacAlastairs pack up their belongings and carry their suitcases to his car, a silver Rolls Royce Phantom. The grille on the car was reminiscent of a king’s mustache, and its blocky headlights were like steadfast eyes ...
- September 24th, 2010, 3:11 pm
- Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
- Topic: Query Critique Friday 9/24/10
- Replies: 16
- Views: 25059
Re: Query Critique Friday 9/24/10
For Hagai's twenty-first birthday, his mother sends him a stone that gives visions of the future. But he doesn't know why she sent it, or how, since she was killed eighteen years ago. Hagai's not exactly a hero -- the bravest thing he's ever done is put peppers in his stew -- yet when the stone show...
- September 20th, 2010, 3:52 pm
- Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
- Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
- Replies: 720
- Views: 456186
Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Title: THE WITCH WHO TRICKED TIME Genre: YA fiction (254 words) At fourteen years of age, Adyna Crowley was accused of being a witch. Her trial was a mere formality; the Tribunal had already determined to hang her. High Judge Bainburgh had yet to find a defendant innocent. This was the twenty-fifth ...
- September 20th, 2010, 4:15 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: The Son of the Spider (YA)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 4218
Re: The Son of the Spider (YA)
The doorbell rang. Bravely, I think calling him brave in this line clashes with the description of him as "trembling" later on. If someone was brave would they tremble? I guess they might, but here it doesn't really work for me Calvin unfolded himself and rose from his rickety chair, pick...
- September 16th, 2010, 10:09 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: The Son of the Spider (YA)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 4218
Re: The Son of the Spider (YA)
I think your suggestions are perceptive, and need to think about them when I'm not so exhausted!theepicwinner wrote:
But please take my suggestions with a pinch of salt. It is, after all, your story.
Many thanks!
Constructive criticism is a writer's best friend.
- September 14th, 2010, 5:53 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
- Replies: 26
- Views: 12287
Re: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
The almost-healed wound in his side gave a phantom throb in response, and Aaron’s heart rate picked up. Continuing to repeat the litany under his breath, the seventeen-year-old rolled his body to the side just enough to allow him to see past the trunk into the clearing. My skill at literary critici...
- September 12th, 2010, 1:26 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: The Son of the Spider (YA)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 4218
Re: The Son of the Spider (YA)
That is so much better. I am now jealous. :) :) Thanks. I'm still a struggling unpublished writer, though. Ah, I see what it is. What happened is I read your query on the query page and I don't think it mentioned the Spider Lady at all. So then I came over here and was going, "what? who is thi...
- September 11th, 2010, 8:39 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: QUERY: The Son of the Spider (YA)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 4268
Re: QUERY: The Son of the Spider (YA)
On the whole, I like the premise of the book - I just think you need to work on how you present it. Best of luck! Thanks Krista! I feel I've vastly improved already. Too bad I've already queried maybe fifty agents or more! Feel free to check out my except and criticize me some more! I love it!
- September 11th, 2010, 8:36 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: QUERY: The Son of the Spider (YA)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 4268
Re: QUERY: The Son of the Spider (YA)
First off the italicized part..you need to either remove it or make it the tagline, but in it's current form its not necessarily the best idea...i'm just not sure an agent would react well to it, as finicky as many are. Done. Also, don't mention the name of the book in the query until you get to th...
- September 11th, 2010, 5:32 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Brand New WHAT A PAINE! Funny UF
- Replies: 12
- Views: 3888
Re: Brand New WHAT A PAINE! Funny UF
Consulting at a secret paranormal bureau, Reece encounters odd cases while juggling diaper duties, like cookie-craving trolls on protest, or stripping succubi on a flashing foray. This week she’s asked to investigate her first normal case and it has her spooked. Someone is kidnapping paranormal chi...
- September 11th, 2010, 5:11 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: The Son of the Spider (YA)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 4218
Re: The Son of the Spider (YA)
Aside from those two things this is good writing and I liked it. Good luck! :) As I'm new to these boards, I'm a bit unsure on Board etiquette. Allow me to push my luck with you post this exerpt from later in the first chapter. There's a bit more dialogue here. And, oh yes—I will change that first ...
- September 11th, 2010, 5:03 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: The Son of the Spider (YA)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 4218
Re: The Son of the Spider (YA)
Two major things I noticed - One, you have a lot of repetition in this one page and, not only that, but it really drags down the age from YA to MG. If I were a sixteen-year-old I wouldn't want to read a book that reminded me of "See Spot, See Spot Run, See Spot...." Here you have "Th...