Search found 21 matches

by Bartle001
October 16th, 2010, 7:36 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Book of Shadows, Horror Excerpt
Replies: 9
Views: 2339

Re: Book of Shadows, Horror Excerpt

Okay.... We're here for criticism, right? Proper spirit, all that? Part me feels this is cheap shot, but another part of me is moved to say that I truly hope "Book of Shadows" is only a working title. I googled "Book of Shadows" and got 1,340,000 hits in 0.17 seconds. It just sounds rather "generic"...
by Bartle001
October 16th, 2010, 2:39 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: SPIDER: Chapter 2
Replies: 3
Views: 1352

Re: SPIDER: Chapter 2

“—which is why I’ll be riding shotgun,” Elsa autocratically announced. Calvin and Kalison were both disappointed, but they knew better than to argue with Gran. While she could be wonderfully wild and fun, she also had a wicked temper and a caustic wit. At the advanced age of eighty-five, her health...
by Bartle001
September 29th, 2010, 12:17 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 6968

Re: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)

Okay, so what if instead of Knight saying, "Please don't be another werewolf," he says, "Please don't be another ___________." For _________ you simply invent some kind of monster native to your world with its own unique name and characteristics. The reader won't know what it is, only that, from the...
by Bartle001
September 27th, 2010, 4:27 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: SPIDER: Chapter 2
Replies: 3
Views: 1352

SPIDER: Chapter 2

Title: THE SON OF THE SPIDER, CH 2 Genre: YA Word Count: 355 Sir Horace helped the MacAlastairs pack up their belongings and carry their suitcases to his car, a silver Rolls Royce Phantom. The grille on the car was reminiscent of a king’s mustache, and its blocky headlights were like steadfast eyes ...
by Bartle001
September 24th, 2010, 3:11 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Query Critique Friday 9/24/10
Replies: 16
Views: 18227

Re: Query Critique Friday 9/24/10

For Hagai's twenty-first birthday, his mother sends him a stone that gives visions of the future. But he doesn't know why she sent it, or how, since she was killed eighteen years ago. Hagai's not exactly a hero -- the bravest thing he's ever done is put peppers in his stew -- yet when the stone show...
by Bartle001
September 20th, 2010, 3:52 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 282954

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Title: THE WITCH WHO TRICKED TIME Genre: YA fiction (254 words) At fourteen years of age, Adyna Crowley was accused of being a witch. Her trial was a mere formality; the Tribunal had already determined to hang her. High Judge Bainburgh had yet to find a defendant innocent. This was the twenty-fifth ...
by Bartle001
September 20th, 2010, 4:15 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: The Son of the Spider (YA)
Replies: 10
Views: 2128

Re: The Son of the Spider (YA)

The doorbell rang. Bravely, I think calling him brave in this line clashes with the description of him as "trembling" later on. If someone was brave would they tremble? I guess they might, but here it doesn't really work for me Calvin unfolded himself and rose from his rickety chair, picking up the...
by Bartle001
September 16th, 2010, 10:09 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: The Son of the Spider (YA)
Replies: 10
Views: 2128

Re: The Son of the Spider (YA)

theepicwinner wrote:
But please take my suggestions with a pinch of salt. It is, after all, your story.
I think your suggestions are perceptive, and need to think about them when I'm not so exhausted!

Many thanks!

Constructive criticism is a writer's best friend.
by Bartle001
September 14th, 2010, 5:53 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 6968

Re: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)

The almost-healed wound in his side gave a phantom throb in response, and Aaron’s heart rate picked up. Continuing to repeat the litany under his breath, the seventeen-year-old rolled his body to the side just enough to allow him to see past the trunk into the clearing. My skill at literary critici...
by Bartle001
September 12th, 2010, 1:26 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: The Son of the Spider (YA)
Replies: 10
Views: 2128

Re: The Son of the Spider (YA)

That is so much better. I am now jealous. :) :) Thanks. I'm still a struggling unpublished writer, though. Ah, I see what it is. What happened is I read your query on the query page and I don't think it mentioned the Spider Lady at all. So then I came over here and was going, "what? who is this per...
by Bartle001
September 11th, 2010, 8:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: The Son of the Spider (YA)
Replies: 10
Views: 2108

Re: QUERY: The Son of the Spider (YA)

On the whole, I like the premise of the book - I just think you need to work on how you present it. Best of luck! Thanks Krista! I feel I've vastly improved already. Too bad I've already queried maybe fifty agents or more! Feel free to check out my except and criticize me some more! I love it!
by Bartle001
September 11th, 2010, 8:36 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: The Son of the Spider (YA)
Replies: 10
Views: 2108

Re: QUERY: The Son of the Spider (YA)

First off the italicized part..you need to either remove it or make it the tagline, but in it's current form its not necessarily the best idea...i'm just not sure an agent would react well to it, as finicky as many are. Done. Also, don't mention the name of the book in the query until you get to th...
by Bartle001
September 11th, 2010, 5:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Brand New WHAT A PAINE! Funny UF
Replies: 12
Views: 1539

Re: Brand New WHAT A PAINE! Funny UF

Consulting at a secret paranormal bureau, Reece encounters odd cases while juggling diaper duties, like cookie-craving trolls on protest, or stripping succubi on a flashing foray. This week she’s asked to investigate her first normal case and it has her spooked. Someone is kidnapping paranormal chi...
by Bartle001
September 11th, 2010, 5:11 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: The Son of the Spider (YA)
Replies: 10
Views: 2128

Re: The Son of the Spider (YA)

Aside from those two things this is good writing and I liked it. Good luck! :) As I'm new to these boards, I'm a bit unsure on Board etiquette. Allow me to push my luck with you post this exerpt from later in the first chapter. There's a bit more dialogue here. And, oh yes—I will change that first ...
by Bartle001
September 11th, 2010, 5:03 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: The Son of the Spider (YA)
Replies: 10
Views: 2128

Re: The Son of the Spider (YA)

Two major things I noticed - One, you have a lot of repetition in this one page and, not only that, but it really drags down the age from YA to MG. If I were a sixteen-year-old I wouldn't want to read a book that reminded me of "See Spot, See Spot Run, See Spot...." Here you have "The Spider Lady w...