Nathan Bransford - The Forums

OK, another draft with comments taken into account. I hope this one is it! -------------------------------------------------- Dear Agent: Mathias' thirteenth birthday is a drive-by shooting. Then, he is turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, it was planned; the vampire kingdom believes he is the rein...

Knowledge isn't power; it's trouble. Occult Detective Matt Allen knows enough to recognize a mysterious, glowing rock and a college kid under mind control. Tracking down the why and who means dealing with those that want to lay low: the supernatural world's mystics, witches, vampires, and goths. No,...

OK, here's another draft. I've added more detail. ------------------------------ Dear Agent: Mathias’ thirteenth birthday is a drive-by shooting. Then, he is turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, Mathias’ turning was planned; the vampire kingdom believes he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. W...

Ok another try here. ------------------------------ Dear Agent: Birthdays are supposed to be filled with candy, cake, and presents. But for Mathias, his thirteenth birthday means getting gunned down in a drive by shooting and being turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, Mathias’ turning was planned; ...

I was trying to follow advice one of the others gave about getting Mathias' voice into the query. Thank you very much for all of the comments. I will go back to version 2.0 and see what happens.

You might want to think about this a different way. Maybe there is some sign that is left by the people who take her that is known to the world at large. Maybe these abductions have been going on for a long time- there have been a couple of escapees- and they have told their story, but because of ho...

OK, here's another draft. Just to clear something up. While my protagonist starts at thirteen, this is not a YA fantasy. There are too many extremely violent scenes and then there's the foul language of the street. I honestly can't see any way for it to be even considered YA. -----------------------...

Here is my latest draft. ------------------------------------------ Dear Agent: “You know you’ve been on the streets too long when the sound of an old man urinating in an alley sounds like falling rain,” Mathias thought . . . Mathias never thought that he would live anywhere but the streets, and he ...

For his brother to have been a molded killer, your protagonist would either not know about his brother beforehand or haven't see his brother in a very long time. Maybe his brother was kidnapped when he was very young- and he never found him- until he finds him as the killer. No matter what, in order...

Here's my new letter. ------------------------------------------------ Dear Agent: RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word fantasy featuring vampires, reincarnation, and a young boy's quest to be allowed to live. Mathias is a street kid. He never thought he would live anywhere but the stre...

I got some great advice about my query, so I thought I would post my synopsis here and see how it can be improved. ---------------------------------------------- RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL- Synopsis MATHIAS DRVAR is a street kid. He is hungry, overheated, and dirty. More importantly, he is abou...

Seventeen-year old Helene Jacobsen is usually alone when she visits her I would change Mom to mother- it gives a different distinctive ring. mom's grave, but not today. I would say something about she hears something foragin the the grass and looks around, but she doesn't see anything out of the ord...

Thanks for all the help everyone!

I want to know more about Ricardo. Is he so hell-bent on staying alive that he will try anything to stay alive, including fairy blood? I definitely want to know why it is fairy blood he needs and not the blood of an older/younger vampire, etc. While we know his quest is to get fairy blood, I'm wonde...

I've gotten a few rejections with my current query, and would like some help to see if it's the query that is the problem. --------------------------------------- Dear Agent X, Mathias is a street kid. He never believed in reincarnation, never thought he would live anywhere else but the streets and ...