Search found 7 matches

by ericabertel
September 10th, 2010, 3:07 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Page Critique Friday 9/10/10
Replies: 33
Views: 28884

Re: Page Critique Friday 9/10/10

I like the imagery in the piece, but it reads more like a script in the beginning than a novel. If you are writing in 3rd person I would add some more personal details to draw me in as a reader. Unless there is a specific reason for the omniscent POV. I'm wondering if the musicians are just a way to...
by ericabertel
August 23rd, 2010, 2:48 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 278610

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Title: The Chronicles of Abigail Fellows and the Wiccan Council Genre: Paramormal Fantasy Word Count: 177 PROLOGUE The auburn haired girl struggled for air as she pushed through trees. The branches tore flesh with every step. She glanced back and tripped over a protruding rock. She tried in vain to ...
by ericabertel
August 23rd, 2010, 2:09 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Preface & Ch. 1 Abigail Fellows & Wiccan Council-Paranormal
Replies: 4
Views: 974

Re: Preface & Ch. 1 Abigail Fellows & Wiccan Council-Paranormal

Thanks for the feedback LBender. Some things to fix and think about.

The government will know about this investigation, the cover is for her employer. She has to have validate reason for her absence from work so the Council creates the estate sale as her cover.
by ericabertel
August 22nd, 2010, 11:15 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: The Blood Well, Magical Realism, 1st page Crit
Replies: 6
Views: 1219

Re: The Blood Well, Magical Realism, 1st page Crit

Belinda, Basically, everything I would have line edited has been referenced and you answered some of my questions in your reply. I had no idea what a ute was or what yer was, but I figured that meant yes in some slang. I can't really say anything about the story because I don't have enough informati...
by ericabertel
August 21st, 2010, 7:48 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Preface & Ch. 1 Abigail Fellows & Wiccan Council-Paranormal
Replies: 4
Views: 974

Re: Preface & Ch. 1 Abigail Fellows & Wiccan Council-Paranormal

Thanks JT Shea. I thought I fixed that typo, so I'm glad you pointed it out. I appreciate the positive feedback.
by ericabertel
August 21st, 2010, 4:50 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Preface & Ch. 1 Abigail Fellows & Wiccan Council-Paranormal
Replies: 4
Views: 974

Preface & Ch. 1 Abigail Fellows & Wiccan Council-Paranormal

PREFACE The auburn haired girl struggled for air as she pushed through trees. The branches tore flesh with every step. She glanced back and tripped over a protruding rock. She tried in vain to focus, but it was no use. Tears blurred her vision and burned as they streamed down her cheeks. She glance...
by ericabertel
August 18th, 2010, 5:33 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: I'm A Nobody, YA Fantasy, First Page
Replies: 7
Views: 1584

Re: I'm A Nobody, YA Fantasy, First Page

William, I like the new version better than the original. I saw a couple of things that I will point out, but overall I think this is a good beginning. As a reader I would be intrigued. Hide. I obeyed the voice in my head without question. The classroom door should have been locked, but the cold doo...