Search found 5 matches

by ria
September 15th, 2010, 10:56 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG Fantasy: Demas' First Task: The Prophecy of Rob
Replies: 7
Views: 1273

Re: MG Fantasy: Demas' First Task: The Prophecy of Rob

Hi EllieAnn, I don't think you are quite there with your query, yet. I'm going to do a line-by-line because that's the easiest way to point stuff out. On the day the sheep catch on fire, Demas receives his first task from the Invisible King. Demas is a Keyper of a hidden prophecy, an Old One with th...
by ria
September 11th, 2010, 11:38 am
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Page Critique Friday 9/10/10
Replies: 33
Views: 29484

Re: Page Critique Friday 9/10/10

Hey artrosch, nice start here, though I think it suffers a little from trying too hard. I found your choice of words to be somewhat odd in places. Like "he stepped off the concrete pad ," "When the people had drifted away," (this didn't read well), "his legs swam " and I have no idea what a cummerbu...
by ria
September 3rd, 2010, 4:03 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Page Critique Friday 9/3/10
Replies: 21
Views: 22686

Re: Page Critique Friday 9/3/10

This piece read quite well, but I was confused as to what sport Jim plays. I thought it was horse racing (steering committee - i know nothing about sport), then golf... ---- A loser? Jim was no loser, even though his brother was treating him like one. As soon as the media picked up the story, the re...
by ria
August 16th, 2010, 9:52 am
Forum: Procrastination
Topic: A forum game: three word story
Replies: 83
Views: 11436

Re: A forum game: three word story

Once upon a horse Sonja feared the darkness across the river might be too deep. Sighing, she turned and found a block of cheese made of Venusian so she picked up a sword to pierce into the looming thicket. "No!" said the block of cheese! "Don't go there!" But the cheese did not know how to talk let ...
by ria
August 16th, 2010, 9:41 am
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 284821

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Title: Artificer Genre: Fantasy Words: 253 * * * “We have damned the world,” Adriel said. “Come again,” Zachery said. They stopped at the pond, where Zachery fished some crumbs from his pocket and tossed them towards the ducks. Overhead, the shops and homes of the upper city clung to the walls of Dr...