Search found 28 matches

by atdeluca
August 31st, 2010, 9:59 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Land of the Living - Excerpt 1 *TAKE TWO*
Replies: 6
Views: 1270

Re: Land of the Living - Excerpt 1

Does it make more sense when you read more?
by atdeluca
August 29th, 2010, 1:52 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Land of the Living - Excerpt 1 *TAKE TWO*
Replies: 6
Views: 1270

Re: Land of the Living - Excerpt 1

NEW VERSION (LONGER) To me, death would be a welcome visitor. Yet there I stood, everyone stood, waiting for someone that would never arrive. My eyes focused, through the dust I could see the soldier offering his hand to me. The sun behind him sent beams of yellow dancing as we cried out through smo...
by atdeluca
August 29th, 2010, 1:33 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Land of the Living - Excerpt 1 *TAKE TWO*
Replies: 6
Views: 1270

Re: Land of the Living - Excerpt 1

All the things you are confused about, well most of them, are explained in the next sentence. When everything flashes to white is when the narrator gives us the background we need, ill edit it and give you more. Also, just for everyone, I know I am breaking some grammar rules with the "and"s etc, it...
by atdeluca
August 28th, 2010, 12:40 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Land of the Living - Excerpt 1 *TAKE TWO*
Replies: 6
Views: 1270

Re: Land of the Living - Excerpt 1

Thanks for the feedback! It's funny because many of the things you cut are actually essential but only if you know the whole story.
by atdeluca
August 27th, 2010, 3:06 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Land of the Living - Excerpt 1 *TAKE TWO*
Replies: 6
Views: 1270

Land of the Living - Excerpt 1 *TAKE TWO*

Let me know what you think, its a WIP I suppose I have to say it's SciFi, but I'd like to think it has a strong commercial side. This is the very beginning of the book. UPDATEUPDATEUPDATE: READ THE VERSION BELOW, IT HAS MUCH MUCH MORE --- To me, death would be a welcome visitor. Yet there I stood, e...
by atdeluca
August 27th, 2010, 3:05 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Land of the Living - Except 1
Replies: 2
Views: 753

Land of the Living - Except 1

Let me know what you think, its a WIP I suppose I have to say it's SciFi, but I'd like to think it has a strong commercial side. To me, death would be a welcome visitor. Yet there I stood, everyone stood, waiting for someone that would never arrive. My eyes focused, through the dust I could see the ...
by atdeluca
August 15th, 2010, 11:09 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: Share your opening sentence!
Replies: 236
Views: 41772

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Mine:

To me, death would be a welcome visitor.
by atdeluca
August 3rd, 2010, 9:23 am
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: Synopsis - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce
Replies: 5
Views: 1757

Re: Synopsis - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce

How do you think I should include the flash-back timeline? In the book it is dispersed throughout and builds suspense and I've been told by all my beta readers it definitely works like that.
by atdeluca
August 2nd, 2010, 10:41 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 285003

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Title: LAND OF THE LIVING Genre: Adventure / Commercial Science Fiction Words: 250 --- To me, death would be a welcome visitor. Yet there I stood, waiting for someone that would never arrive. My eyes focused, through the dust I could see the soldier offering his hand to me. The sun behind him sent b...
by atdeluca
July 29th, 2010, 10:56 am
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: Synopsis - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce
Replies: 5
Views: 1757

Synopsis - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce

NICHOLAS PIERCE was just a young boy when his memory was wiped clean by a forgotten traumatic event. At 23 years old, he doesn’t think of his missing memories often until a locked box is delivered to his doorstep, instructing him to ask his birth parents for a key. Due to his obsessive compulsive di...
by atdeluca
July 28th, 2010, 10:53 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm
Replies: 27
Views: 4089

Re: Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm

UPDATE: The most recent version got a request for a partial saying "send me three chapters and a full synopsis along with a copy of your original (and quite nicely written) query."
by atdeluca
July 28th, 2010, 9:03 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm
Replies: 27
Views: 4089

Re: Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm

How's this? I'm unsure about "His obsessive compulsive disorder is the only relic of that forgotten childhood, his memories beginning with his adoptive family." I might switch it around to be "His memories beginning with his adoptive family, his obsessive compulsive disorder is the only relic of his...
by atdeluca
July 26th, 2010, 7:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm
Replies: 27
Views: 4089

Re: Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm

How's this? -- Dear AGENT, Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life. When an unexpected package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' forgotten childhood comes knocking. With an adoptive family and suitable life, Nicholas can remember nothing from his youth, his obsessive compulsive disorde...
by atdeluca
July 26th, 2010, 3:23 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm
Replies: 27
Views: 4089

Re: Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm

Its small and ornate. Plus he has OCD, smashing open a box? *shudder*