Search found 65 matches

by D.S. Deshaw
November 21st, 2010, 11:22 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY -- THE FERRYMAN -- Revision No. 1
Replies: 12
Views: 2437

Re: QUERY -- THE FERRYMAN REVISION # 1

Charlie wants what any man wants: love, adventure and the coins of recently deceased souls. After 100 years as the Underworld Ferry Group’s most talented first mate, which is a little like being the best vice president, he’s had enough. Or maybe he hasn’t. But he only has one season left to decide ...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 29th, 2010, 6:02 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death, 4th rev.
Replies: 15
Views: 2909

Re: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death, 3rd rev.

I figured the last version must not be very good, either, so here's another try :) Hopefully it's better? Ayla didn't care that she was created to compete in the fourteenth Akkadian war until she’s requested by the gods on her sixteenth birthday. The age-old competition between mageians and therians...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 25th, 2010, 5:14 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death, 4th rev.
Replies: 15
Views: 2909

Re: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death

Thanks for the feedback, androidblues :) Hopefully this version is better? Ayla lived alone with her father for sixteen years. He was assassinated ten years ago by therians, but made a deal with the goddess of the underworld: if he gave up his magic, he could remain on earth with her. She is raised ...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 23rd, 2010, 5:50 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Excerpt -- YA Fantasy, 3rd rev
Replies: 9
Views: 2762

Re: Excerpt -- YA Fantasy

Thanks for your comments, Erin! I actually scrapped that version entirely, though, because I changed what happens in the beginning and that constituted a whole new one. Here's a slightly-polished version of my first 300-or-so words. Line edits, reactions, comments, suggestions--anything is helpful! ...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 19th, 2010, 2:17 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death, 4th rev.
Replies: 15
Views: 2909

Re: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death

Hey woman. =P Ripped apart, OW. Perfect :D I'm going back to the drawing board for awhile. I have an idea of how to tackle this, hopefully, by thinking of the whole father/history repeating itself/made the same deal as subplots (AKA they don't go in the query). We'll see how it comes out after that...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 18th, 2010, 1:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: The Pterrible Pteranodon
Replies: 7
Views: 1226

Re: QUERY: The Pterrible Pteranodon

This is a good query. The first line threw me a little bit because it wasn't directly about the main character, but "the Queen is not amused" is a great addition to the query. Playing around with different hooks might be good idea to try to coax the absolute best line out of your brain. I know it's ...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 17th, 2010, 11:40 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Excerpt -- YA Fantasy, 3rd rev
Replies: 9
Views: 2762

Re: Excerpt -- YA Fantasy

Hi again! I've thought a lot about my opening and realized some issues were stemming from the decisions I had made about my MC. So I've changed a few things and started somewhere else. This is what I've got. Again, not looking for line edits. I just want to know if it's good as an opening, if there'...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 17th, 2010, 11:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY -- THE FERRYMAN -- Revision No. 1
Replies: 12
Views: 2437

Re: QUERY -- THE FERRYMAN

This may seem harsh, but I'm not sure what happens in the book after reading your query. It kind of seems to me it's just going to be Charlie and his thoughts on a boat. Is there any way to show the events in the book a bit more? I'm sure interesting things happen :) but putting it to the forefront ...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 17th, 2010, 6:49 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death, 4th rev.
Replies: 15
Views: 2909

Re: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death

Hi! Thank you for your questions. I guess the query may be a bit confusing because I don't have much room to explain the back story, but there's really no way for me to include it :( One because it'd take up another query or two length-wise, and another because queries are supposed to be what happen...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 16th, 2010, 5:01 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death, 4th rev.
Replies: 15
Views: 2909

Re: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death

Thank you Netti and sbs_mjc1 for your comments. I added a line about what the war is for clarification, and I tried to make what "happened then" more explicit. Hopefully this is more clear :) Dear Dream Agent X, Ayla lived alone with her father for sixteen years. Now the goddess of the underworld ha...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 15th, 2010, 9:49 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death, 4th rev.
Replies: 15
Views: 2909

YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death, 4th rev.

Hi! Here's a query that I'd like some opinions on. Thank you in advance :) Edit: 3rd revision here on page 2. Thank you! Edit: 4th revision here . Thanks for any feedback! Dear Dream Agent X, Ayla lived alone with her father for sixteen years and now the goddess of the underworld has come to collect...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 15th, 2010, 8:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
Replies: 13
Views: 2398

Re: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query

He transported them to his world so he could kill them and purify the land of sin? That could be quite cool, but you need to elaborate a bit more, in as few words as possible, on why they, specifically, are needed. Also, the Ten Plagues weren't anyone's attempt to wipe out anything, they were coerc...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 5th, 2010, 12:51 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Excerpt -- YA Fantasy, 3rd rev
Replies: 9
Views: 2762

Re: Excerpt -- YA Fantasy

Hi everyone! Thank you for your feedback. I'm going to try writing another possible beginning that was feuled by your comments and other comments to this excerpt. I'll post it once it's done and when it's been looked over :) A change that I'll be making is where I'm starting the story. It doesn't ha...
by D.S. Deshaw
October 1st, 2010, 6:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: query: flight - REVISED and READY TO SEND
Replies: 8
Views: 1827

Re: query: flight - REVISED

When Maria Black experiences intense changes in her life, she grows sick and feverish until she bursts into flames. From the fire that consumes her body, a bird rises, takes flight, and returns to human form. For the last 2,477 days, she has done everything in her power to avoid change and suppress...
by D.S. Deshaw
September 30th, 2010, 2:46 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Excerpt -- YA Fantasy, 3rd rev
Replies: 9
Views: 2762

Excerpt -- YA Fantasy, 3rd rev

Hello! I recently tried to thoroughly edit my first chapter but I'm not quite sure if it starts out where it needs to, if it's engaging enough, or if it's too expository. So, other than whatever catches your nitpicky eye, let me know if you'd want to read more if you picked it up from the shelf at a...