Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear Agent, Abbey Long believes her only option after shooting her mother’s boyfriend is to run away. Not only does she run away from home, her memories, and the past—but from the law as well this is sort of implied if she's running away. not feeling a tremendous of conflict yet. what did she kill ...

Here is a new and hopefully improved query for Beyond Paradise.....All comments and suggestions welcomed....thanks.... When Cheryl Benson kills her abusive lover in self defense, she believes she is finally safe. Until, the only witness to the crime, a Long Island millionaire, lots of comma breaks ...

I really like it, but I agree that you need more specifics toward the end to provide some conflict. It's got a great voice, and I would definitely request pages as an agent, even with the query as it is now.

Here's the revised query. I think (I hope) I'm getting closer! Seventeen year old Ally Ashworth prefers combat boots to stilettos, Mozart over metal and would take David Garrett over The Situation this might be me, but I'm not familiar with these bands - but I do love the opening , any day. She’s l...

Haven't been on here since my last query run. Excited to do this again. I appreciate any comments! Don’t be careful what you wish for – let the Tenders do that. In the year 2018, the world is ruled by wish-granting humans called Tenders. Seventeen-year-old Ibsen Goodman lives in a segregated South ...

In my opinion, the problem is that the query tries to create sympathy for this woman for losing her family, but then reveals that the husband tormented her. Though it may seem cold, but as I read this, I'm wondering if the woman doesn't feel relieved that her husband is gone. Obviously the death of ...

Overall, it's a well-written query. I had a reaction to the fact that her fiancee was not mentioned earlier. I also think you need to add more drama by telling us what the "startling truth" is. That'll make this specific enough to draw an agent.

Hope that helps!

Dear Agent, Agora Beckwith is a descendant of the Sun People, a race that has the ability to absorb fire in their bodies My first reaction is "cool", but my second is, "So? Is that a useful talent?" . As she cycles through the phases of reincarnation Explain this. Seems to come o...

I agree that there needs to be MC clarification. Even if you use multiple POV, it's usually better to focus on one in the query for clarity. Dear Agent, Adelais knows she shouldn’t love Lucas, and not because he stuffed frogs down her smock when they were children Nice detail . But because he’s a p...

Awesome revisions! The only thing you left out is who Corwin is - make sure you mention he's the lead investigator.

Dear Agent, Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed against his will You can cut "against his will" - most curses aren't voluntary by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuc...

George pushes Audrey Parker out of danger. He also wipes a tear away and holds her hand. He even dances with her. That might be nice for a typical teenager, but it’s astonishing to George. After all, imaginary friends aren’t supposed to be human. I'm just a little lost about why it's astonishing to ...

Thanks for everyone's comments! The query has been reworked to something I'm pleased with. I actually had an agent contact me this morning asking for pages - she'd seen my query posted on the AW forums and was intrigued. Could not have gotten there without the help on here, so thanks again!

I'm not getting a feel for your MC. She sounds kind of manipulative, and I'm imaginging this creepy little girl with big eyes and a devilish grin - not sure if that's what you're going for. If this is a lighthearted romp, I think the query should reflect that. If it does have a sinister feel to it, ...

George pushes Audrey Parker out of danger. He also wipes a tear away. He even dances with her. That wouldn’t mean much Really? It sounds kinda nice... , except George isn’t real, or he shouldn’t be I don't like the uncertain tone in the last part. The sentence has more of a punch if you say he's not...