Search found 179 matches

by thewhipslip
December 16th, 2011, 11:40 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: SEA OF BLOOD AND SAND (YA Sci-Fi)
Replies: 8
Views: 2785

Re: SEA OF BLOOD AND SAND (YA Sci-Fi)

I'm with wilderness that the beating someone to death definitely removes that YA feeling. It seemed way too brutal, at least for the query. Other than that, it sounds awesome and I'd probably still look at pages to see what it's like. The world sounds great. Maybe just be a bit subtle about how he w...
by thewhipslip
December 16th, 2011, 11:36 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: TENDER query - YA dystopian fantasy
Replies: 7
Views: 1913

Re: TENDER query - YA fantasy

Hi All, here's the new version of the query. Thanks for your comments! *** In an alternate future, the North is ruled by the Tenders, human lookalikes with the power to grant wishes. Seventeen-year-old Ibsen Goodman lives in the South, a segregated country where faith is a priority and Tenders are a...
by thewhipslip
December 10th, 2011, 2:51 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: EXTRACTION (YA Sci-Fi/Dystopian)
Replies: 13
Views: 2511

Re: EXTRACTION (YA Sci-Fi/Dystopian)

I love it! Nice job. Good luck with your querying - I'm sure you'll do well!
by thewhipslip
December 9th, 2011, 10:15 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: EXTRACTION (YA Sci-Fi/Dystopian)
Replies: 13
Views: 2511

Re: EXTRACTION (YA Sci-Fi/Dystopian)

You're almost there! Nice job! --- Sixteen-year-old Clementine will die the day she turns twenty. The Extraction Test is her only shot to prove she's worth keeping alive. Perfect. The test instructors look for intelligence, obedience, and an elusive quality that they call Promise. When up against h...
by thewhipslip
December 8th, 2011, 10:09 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: EXTRACTION (YA Sci-Fi/Dystopian)
Replies: 13
Views: 2511

Re: EXTRACTION (YA Sci-Fi/Dystopian)

I agree that answering too many questions could put the query on overload. This is definitely much better, but I think you still need some explanations. --- I liked your previous opening better actually. Sixteen-year-old Clementine will die the day she turns twenty. She has one more shot to prove s...
by thewhipslip
December 8th, 2011, 3:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Post-Apocalyptic: Bad Kids
Replies: 4
Views: 1079

Re: YA Post-Apocalyptic: Bad Kids

I've been sending out queries for the past month or so with no success. Any pointers? Tips? Advice? Thanks in advance. Some say Lewis and his family are among the lucky ones. After all, they survived the Demon hordes of World War III with their mansion and wealth intact This may be a personal thing...
by thewhipslip
December 8th, 2011, 3:28 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: EXTRACTION (YA Sci-Fi/Dystopian)
Replies: 13
Views: 2511

Re: EXTRACTION (YA Sci-Fi/Dystopian)

Your world sounds truly awesome, and I'd probably read pages based on this query just to see what it's all about...BUT I'm not getting a sense of your actual plot from this. You're doing a great world set-up, but not much more. My comments below. Dear Mr./Mrs. [agent name], The Developers think six...
by thewhipslip
December 6th, 2011, 11:32 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for Upper Middle Grade
Replies: 3
Views: 825

Re: Query for Upper Middle Grade

Did you have another version of this query floating around a year ago? Seems familiar, but I might be thinking of something else. There’s no way fourteen year old Jonathan Stevens is going to his first day of public school in May. So cutting class to wander around a park seemed like a better idea.....
by thewhipslip
November 28th, 2011, 11:21 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Avarice's Hoard - YA
Replies: 2
Views: 580

Re: Query: Avarice's Hoard - YA

When JJ, a Manhattan high school senior, finds and delivers a mysterious letter, he is unwillingly thrust into the heart of a conspiracy led by the dragon living under Central Park. Love the last part of this. I'd request on this alone. Identified as the only person who can recover the magically hi...
by thewhipslip
November 28th, 2011, 11:16 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for BRIDGET (YA Supernatural Thriller)
Replies: 3
Views: 938

Re: Query for BRIDGET (YA Supernatural Thriller)

Thank you for your help :) Dear Agent, When sixteen-year-old Bridget Ferns finds a dead cheerleader in the janitor’s closet, she fears that she might be the killer’s next target. I feel like I want more detail here. Not sure why she would think she's the next target. She is. Being a teenage telepat...
by thewhipslip
November 28th, 2011, 11:07 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Fantasy: Where Hurricanes Sleep
Replies: 8
Views: 1586

Re: YA Fantasy: Where Hurricanes Sleep

Dear Agent, Fifteen-year-old Jade Kadeem has it worse than your average wind-rider: not only can’t I don't like the "can't" here, it's a weird double negative with the "not only" added in. I would start with a new sentence, so: She can't control her city-razing hurricanes, and her father was brutal...
by thewhipslip
November 28th, 2011, 11:02 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: TENDER query - YA dystopian fantasy
Replies: 7
Views: 1913

Re: TENDER query - YA dystopian fantasy

Here is a revised version. Thanks for your comments! ** Don’t be careful what you wish for--let the Tenders do that! In the year 2018, the North is ruled by wish-granting people called Tenders. Seventeen-year-old Ibsen Goodman lives in the South, a segregated country where faith is the priority and ...
by thewhipslip
November 17th, 2011, 12:14 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Courier--Young Adult Query--Round Two Posted :)
Replies: 8
Views: 1630

Re: The Courier--Young Adult Query--Round Two Posted :)

Overall, I like it. I feel like I want to know a bit more about Marius, why he disapproves of her being Courier. I'm not getting a real feel for his personality, though I know that's always hard to accomplish in query letters when it comes to secondary characters. I'm also thinking that you need mor...
by thewhipslip
November 16th, 2011, 12:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Mad As A Hatter
Replies: 5
Views: 1251

Re: Query - Mad As A Hatter

I remember your query from before and really liked it. Here goes... London, 1882. Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped and taken to Wonderland by a man claiming to come from the future. He called himself the Hatter. Emil survived the torture. His sister didn't. I love the open...
by thewhipslip
November 16th, 2011, 12:02 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query:Life's What You Make It - YA
Replies: 10
Views: 1989

Re: Query:Life's What You Make It - YA

Personally, I don't like the last revision at all. I agree with wilderness that it took away the charm and voice of the query below. I'm going to crit that one, as I think you can do more with it! In 1985 London, seventeen-year-old Sebastian Irons got through life using his good looks, English char...