Search found 23 matches
- September 26th, 2010, 1:37 pm
- Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
- Topic: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
- Replies: 213
- Views: 184421
Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
Dear Mr. Bransford, Major Jarv Guerra knew his Air Force career was at an end when he was put out to pasture in a dead-end NATO staff job in Italy. Accepting his fate, he set his sights on retiring and mustering the courage to marry the woman he loved. But when he starts having dreams about disaster...
- August 21st, 2010, 7:13 pm
- Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
- Topic: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis
- Replies: 6
- Views: 3818
Re: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis
I have yet to write a synopis for my WIP, but I'm in the process of starting one and have been scouring blogs and articles on how to write one. Turns out...there is no right way or easy way to write one. So take my comments with that caveat in mind. Your synopsis was the first one I read in this for...
- August 21st, 2010, 9:50 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Third Query try for Devin Briar
- Replies: 7
- Views: 2745
Re: Third Query try for Devin Briar
I really like the elements of the first paragraph, but the way it's broken up is a bit awkward. I think if you play around with it and flip some sentences and combine others, it would be really powerful. For example, instead of: He was chosen, for a reason that he can’t fathom, by mysterious people ...
- August 17th, 2010, 2:37 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Second try at a Query Letter for Devin Briar
- Replies: 8
- Views: 2770
Re: Second try at a Query Letter for Devin Briar
Here's a comment that will drive you batty: The first letter was too long with too much detail and the second one was too short with not enough detail. Shoot for somewhere in the middle. Obviously easier said than done. What I liked about the second attempt was this line: Together they stop a privat...
- August 17th, 2010, 1:11 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Final (I Hope) Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
- Replies: 9
- Views: 3366
Final (I Hope) Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
Thanks to everyone who shredded and burned my early query letter attempts. From the ashes, I've created what I hope will be a final draft. All comments and suggestions are welcome and appreciated. ------------------------------------------ Dear [Agent], Disillusioned Air Force Major Jarv Guerra’s ca...
- August 11th, 2010, 10:22 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: The Oracle's Revenge - Revised & New Beginning
- Replies: 6
- Views: 2669
Re: The Oracle's Revenge - Revised & New Beginning
Down the Well, J.T. Shea, and Emily, Thank you all for you comments. All of your comments are really good. I have already incorporated some of them and plan on including more. When I go back and read the first version I wrote and compare it to this one, it looks like it was written by two different ...
- August 10th, 2010, 9:45 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: The Oracle's Revenge - Revised & New Beginning
- Replies: 6
- Views: 2669
The Oracle's Revenge - Revised & New Beginning
This is the third major rewrite of this chapter. I was given a number of suggestions to show more through dialogue. Specifically it was suggested that I do a better job of establishing the protagonist's (Jarv's) feelings for Regina better. Finally, I was told by many, many people to avoid opening up...
- August 8th, 2010, 9:28 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - A Scorpion's Nature
- Replies: 10
- Views: 3374
Re: Query - A Scorpion's Nature
Very good job at conveying the story in a clear and concise way. The second sentence in the opening paragraph was the only one that felt like you were adding something in a way that seemed forced. My suggestion would be to flip it around, so instead of: It sucked to lose every fight, but he refused ...
- July 31st, 2010, 6:41 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
- Replies: 12
- Views: 4885
Re: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
During my research for this book, I read some translated Greek oracle prophesies. As you might expect, they reveal future events through ambiguous imagery and cryptic messages. The oracle in this story gives prophesies in the same way. I borrowed one of hers and used it in this query: a journey to u...
- July 30th, 2010, 7:22 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
- Replies: 12
- Views: 4885
Re: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
Now that's the kind of shredding I was hoping for, Quill. Some excellent points.
I hope I'm not the only writer whose intimacy with the story creates blind spots when trying to describe it to others. Thanks for taking the time to provide an excellent critique. Back to the grind stone.
I hope I'm not the only writer whose intimacy with the story creates blind spots when trying to describe it to others. Thanks for taking the time to provide an excellent critique. Back to the grind stone.
- July 30th, 2010, 6:12 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
- Replies: 12
- Views: 4885
Re: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
Really good suggestions. I mentioned my newbie status in that line based on something I read on a blog, but it was something I wasn't comfortable putting it in, so I'm glad to have a reason to take it out. tchann's comment regarding the 3 Italians in a sentence (which sounds like either the start of...
- July 30th, 2010, 4:47 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
- Replies: 12
- Views: 4885
1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
This is my first attempt at a query letter. I've read Nathan's blog on the subject along with many other blogs. I've read some books that give advice and I've read a lot of the letters and advice in this forum. Having no personal baseline with which to compare this letter, I'm hoping to get your tho...
- July 21st, 2010, 9:30 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Help Critiquing Dialogue
- Replies: 8
- Views: 4211
Re: Help Critiquing Dialogue
Thanks for taking the time to respond and provide feedback on this dialogue. I'm very new at writing fiction and my guidance thus far have been from books about writing books. I am signed up for my first writers conference this September and hope to learn more during the seminars (there's even one o...
- July 19th, 2010, 12:56 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Help Critiquing Dialogue
- Replies: 8
- Views: 4211
Help Critiquing Dialogue
I'm looking for some feedback on a short excerpt of dialogue, so I can gauge how far along my dialogue has progressed. I have a thick skin, so please don't sugar coat it. ----------------- He parked the car, got out, and was getting his bag from the backseat when he felt two enormous arms clamp arou...
- July 19th, 2010, 12:32 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: I'm A Nobody, YA Fantasy, First Page
- Replies: 7
- Views: 3318
Re: I'm A Nobody, YA Fantasy, First Page
YA is not something I generally read, but I honestly enjoyed the opening scene. I also thought you could set the stage a little more. The other comments I thought were on the mark; before more clear about who "they" are, tighten up the sentences, make themmore concise, less is more when yo...