Search found 23 matches

by gsfields2004
September 26th, 2010, 1:37 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 213
Views: 120962

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Dear Mr. Bransford, Major Jarv Guerra knew his Air Force career was at an end when he was put out to pasture in a dead-end NATO staff job in Italy. Accepting his fate, he set his sights on retiring and mustering the courage to marry the woman he loved. But when he starts having dreams about disaster...
by gsfields2004
August 21st, 2010, 7:13 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis
Replies: 6
Views: 1821

Re: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis

I have yet to write a synopis for my WIP, but I'm in the process of starting one and have been scouring blogs and articles on how to write one. Turns out...there is no right way or easy way to write one. So take my comments with that caveat in mind. Your synopsis was the first one I read in this for...
by gsfields2004
August 21st, 2010, 9:50 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Third Query try for Devin Briar
Replies: 7
Views: 1213

Re: Third Query try for Devin Briar

I really like the elements of the first paragraph, but the way it's broken up is a bit awkward. I think if you play around with it and flip some sentences and combine others, it would be really powerful. For example, instead of: He was chosen, for a reason that he can’t fathom, by mysterious people ...
by gsfields2004
August 17th, 2010, 2:37 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Second try at a Query Letter for Devin Briar
Replies: 8
Views: 1315

Re: Second try at a Query Letter for Devin Briar

Here's a comment that will drive you batty: The first letter was too long with too much detail and the second one was too short with not enough detail. Shoot for somewhere in the middle. Obviously easier said than done. What I liked about the second attempt was this line: Together they stop a privat...
by gsfields2004
August 17th, 2010, 1:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Final (I Hope) Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
Replies: 9
Views: 1716

Final (I Hope) Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge

Thanks to everyone who shredded and burned my early query letter attempts. From the ashes, I've created what I hope will be a final draft. All comments and suggestions are welcome and appreciated. ------------------------------------------ Dear [Agent], Disillusioned Air Force Major Jarv Guerra’s ca...
by gsfields2004
August 11th, 2010, 10:22 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: The Oracle's Revenge - Revised & New Beginning
Replies: 6
Views: 1225

Re: The Oracle's Revenge - Revised & New Beginning

Down the Well, J.T. Shea, and Emily, Thank you all for you comments. All of your comments are really good. I have already incorporated some of them and plan on including more. When I go back and read the first version I wrote and compare it to this one, it looks like it was written by two different ...
by gsfields2004
August 10th, 2010, 9:45 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: The Oracle's Revenge - Revised & New Beginning
Replies: 6
Views: 1225

The Oracle's Revenge - Revised & New Beginning

This is the third major rewrite of this chapter. I was given a number of suggestions to show more through dialogue. Specifically it was suggested that I do a better job of establishing the protagonist's (Jarv's) feelings for Regina better. Finally, I was told by many, many people to avoid opening up...
by gsfields2004
August 8th, 2010, 9:28 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - A Scorpion's Nature
Replies: 10
Views: 1516

Re: Query - A Scorpion's Nature

Very good job at conveying the story in a clear and concise way. The second sentence in the opening paragraph was the only one that felt like you were adding something in a way that seemed forced. My suggestion would be to flip it around, so instead of: It sucked to lose every fight, but he refused ...
by gsfields2004
July 31st, 2010, 6:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
Replies: 12
Views: 2223

Re: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge

During my research for this book, I read some translated Greek oracle prophesies. As you might expect, they reveal future events through ambiguous imagery and cryptic messages. The oracle in this story gives prophesies in the same way. I borrowed one of hers and used it in this query: a journey to u...
by gsfields2004
July 30th, 2010, 7:22 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
Replies: 12
Views: 2223

Re: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge

Now that's the kind of shredding I was hoping for, Quill. Some excellent points.

I hope I'm not the only writer whose intimacy with the story creates blind spots when trying to describe it to others. Thanks for taking the time to provide an excellent critique. Back to the grind stone.
by gsfields2004
July 30th, 2010, 6:12 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
Replies: 12
Views: 2223

Re: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge

Really good suggestions. I mentioned my newbie status in that line based on something I read on a blog, but it was something I wasn't comfortable putting it in, so I'm glad to have a reason to take it out. tchann's comment regarding the 3 Italians in a sentence (which sounds like either the start of...
by gsfields2004
July 30th, 2010, 4:47 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
Replies: 12
Views: 2223

1st Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge

This is my first attempt at a query letter. I've read Nathan's blog on the subject along with many other blogs. I've read some books that give advice and I've read a lot of the letters and advice in this forum. Having no personal baseline with which to compare this letter, I'm hoping to get your tho...
by gsfields2004
July 21st, 2010, 9:30 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Help Critiquing Dialogue
Replies: 8
Views: 2102

Re: Help Critiquing Dialogue

Thanks for taking the time to respond and provide feedback on this dialogue. I'm very new at writing fiction and my guidance thus far have been from books about writing books. I am signed up for my first writers conference this September and hope to learn more during the seminars (there's even one o...
by gsfields2004
July 19th, 2010, 12:56 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Help Critiquing Dialogue
Replies: 8
Views: 2102

Help Critiquing Dialogue

I'm looking for some feedback on a short excerpt of dialogue, so I can gauge how far along my dialogue has progressed. I have a thick skin, so please don't sugar coat it. ----------------- He parked the car, got out, and was getting his bag from the backseat when he felt two enormous arms clamp arou...
by gsfields2004
July 19th, 2010, 12:32 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: I'm A Nobody, YA Fantasy, First Page
Replies: 7
Views: 1646

Re: I'm A Nobody, YA Fantasy, First Page

YA is not something I generally read, but I honestly enjoyed the opening scene. I also thought you could set the stage a little more. The other comments I thought were on the mark; before more clear about who "they" are, tighten up the sentences, make themmore concise, less is more when you use stro...