Search found 12 matches

by Hilary
September 7th, 2010, 6:05 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 4 on page 2)
Replies: 19
Views: 3233

Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

I think this is a damn good query. It's clear and concise and I like the voice. The only change I'd suggest is that you take out the part about it being your first novel. If you don't have any writing credits, don't draw attention it. Just let the query stand on its own.

Good luck!
by Hilary
September 6th, 2010, 10:04 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for The During Time, a work of women's fiction
Replies: 6
Views: 1005

Re: Query for The During Time, a work of women's fiction

Thank you Elena! I really appreciate your help. It's back to the drawing board for me!
by Hilary
September 6th, 2010, 5:40 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Attempt #3 Query: Blood and Stones (4th message in)
Replies: 6
Views: 1095

Re: Revised (#2) Query: Blood and Stones

All right, time for attempt 3 (at least on the forums. I think this is query incarnation 600 or so.) Dear Agent, Knowledge isn't power; it's trouble. Occult Detective Matt Allen knows about the supernatural, but he's an ordinary joe. He relies on his wits and his gun; too bad guns have more boast t...
by Hilary
September 6th, 2010, 4:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for The During Time, a work of women's fiction
Replies: 6
Views: 1005

First revision for The During Time

Thank you, Junkie! Okay, I'm going to keep working on this. The genre is definitely a puzzle. I might try calling it science fiction. Here's another attempt to clarify the plot: ******* Immortality is cruel. For Reichl, it means surviving the death of every woman he loves – an endless cycle of heart...
by Hilary
September 6th, 2010, 2:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for The During Time, a work of women's fiction
Replies: 6
Views: 1005

Query for The During Time, a work of women's fiction

Scroll down for the first revision. Thank you! Oh, these queries. Aren't they fun. Any suggestions for improving this one would be greatly appreciated. Does it make sense? Does it not? Should I scrap it and start over? Thank you in advance for your help! ****** Immortality is cruel. For Reichl, it ...
by Hilary
September 6th, 2010, 11:18 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Sacrificial Magic
Replies: 11
Views: 1986

Re: Query: Sacrificial Magic

I think you're off to a great start. Now it's time to clear some extraneous info away and add a few things to clarify the plot. I agree with some of the other writers. The paragraph about the abusive wife and family issues are subplots that don't need to be here. The semicolon here greater horror; T...
by Hilary
September 6th, 2010, 11:17 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Sacrificial Magic
Replies: 11
Views: 1986

Re: Query: Sacrificial Magic

I addressed this to Nathan so I could practice personalization. Have at! Thank you in advance (this is actually like 350 words, which just skates by for word count on a query.) *** Mr. Bransford, I am a regular participant on your forums. I appreciate the time you take out of your busy day to encou...
by Hilary
September 6th, 2010, 11:15 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Sacrificial Magic
Replies: 11
Views: 1986

Re: Query: Sacrificial Magic

I addressed this to Nathan so I could practice personalization. Have at! Thank you in advance (this is actually like 350 words, which just skates by for word count on a query.) *** Mr. Bransford, I am a regular participant on your forums. I appreciate the time you take out of your busy day to encou...
by Hilary
September 6th, 2010, 10:53 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Attempt #3 Query: Blood and Stones (4th message in)
Replies: 6
Views: 1095

Re: Revised (#2) Query: Blood and Stones

It's time to try this again. The original thread can be found here: http://forums.nathanbransford.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=2138 And now to the revision. Dear Agent, Knowledge isn't power; it's trouble. Occult Detective Matt Allen gets no power from knowing where to look in the shadows to find mysti...
by Hilary
September 6th, 2010, 10:32 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Drunkard's Daughter: Started from Scratch, see p. 2
Replies: 24
Views: 4257

Re: The Drunkard's Daughter: Latest Revision at the End of Page

I've changed and shortened this. It's 135 words. Thanks in advance for your comments. 85-year-old Dara McBride scorns those who turn talk shows into confessionals by flaunting deeds better left unmentioned. For decades she has kept quiet about her sins of passion, preferring to be seen as a hard wo...
by Hilary
September 6th, 2010, 1:16 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Forty Winks - YA paranormal adventure
Replies: 12
Views: 2626

Re: Forty Winks - YA paranormal adventure

Thank you all for your advice! I tried rewording it a little, and making sure the focus is on my protagonist, Gabe. Gabriel Aisling’s little sister suffers from Night Terrors, a condition afflicting children that causes intense nightmares. But when they put her in a coma, Gabe is forced to use his ...
by Hilary
July 12th, 2010, 3:23 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 284847

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

The During Time Paranormal Romance Emily Alden sat for a long time under the black tent, after the last car left the cemetery. Her mother’s boss had arranged for everyone to come back to her place for a cold buffet lunch. She urged Emily to join them. “Honey,” she said. “Won’t you come and stay with...