Search found 27 matches

by Elsinora
July 20th, 2012, 2:51 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

Good point, elbowpatch! Yes, those lines should go at the start of your second paragraph, although I would change them to make it clearer that the "cuttlefish skin" (I like that description, by the way) is what makes someone a Sneak.
by Elsinora
July 20th, 2012, 3:14 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

Your second version was the best so far, so I'll critique that one. Your hook is good, but you're trying to cover way too much for a query. Here's how I would tighten it for better effect: Neeku never thought he would sacrifice himself to save the goddess who made him a Sneak . For sixteen years he ...
by Elsinora
July 19th, 2012, 11:06 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: If writing was a person....
Replies: 10
Views: 1765

Re: If writing was a person....

If Writing were a person, he'd rag on me for being a lazy bum and tell me to stop being such a procrastinator, but he'd also toss me cool ideas to work with.

So...basically what my husband does. :shock:
by Elsinora
July 19th, 2012, 5:00 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: Princess of Swans (YA Fantasy): 2 Versions!
Replies: 0
Views: 3667

Princess of Swans (YA Fantasy): 2 Versions!

ONE PAGE SYNOPSIS: After a wartime plague kills the queen of Amgovar and disfigures her daughter, the king sends the scarred heir, PRINCESS FEYANA, to a secluded castle to keep her safe until the war ends. When Feyana helps save the life of a gravely injured volkarei witch, DJUSIREI, the grateful p...
by Elsinora
July 17th, 2012, 3:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: PRINCESS OF SWANS -- YA Fantasy
Replies: 12
Views: 2907

Re: PRINCESS OF SWANS -- YA Fantasy

Thanks for the comments. It's hard to hint at the non-"Someday My Prince Will Come" aspects of the prince because they're a major, last-act reveal. (The prince turns out to be a manipulative, cruel man who tortured Feyana's volkari friend, removed both his brothers from the line of succession by cur...
by Elsinora
July 3rd, 2012, 2:36 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: PRINCESS OF SWANS -- YA Fantasy
Replies: 12
Views: 2907

Re: PRINCESS OF SWANS -- YA Fantasy

Thanks for the feedback! Scarred face is back in, by general consensus. Here's the latest: Feyana Belmaron, Princess of Swans, is a prisoner in her own realm. After a wartime disaster killed the queen and disfigured Feyana's face, the king confined his only daughter to an isolated castle until the e...
by Elsinora
June 29th, 2012, 12:12 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Your Mother Has Cancer A Women's Fiction Novel
Replies: 9
Views: 2005

Re: Your Mother Has Cancer A Women's Fiction Novel

Some agents prefer queries begin with the title and word count, others prefer it at the end. Janet Reid at Query Shark (an AMAZING resource for query writing, by the way) prefers it at the end. Either way, I don't think that will make or break a query. You're probably right that "this is my first no...
by Elsinora
June 29th, 2012, 12:05 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Death's Catalyst
Replies: 15
Views: 4101

Re: Query: Death's Catalyst

Definitely moving in the right direction! :) Be sure to post again when you've finished slogging through the archives--it took me ages to read them all.
by Elsinora
June 29th, 2012, 12:02 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: PRINCESS OF SWANS -- YA Fantasy
Replies: 12
Views: 2907

Re: PRINCESS OF SWANS -- YA Fantasy

The latest: Dear Agent, Feyana Belmaron, Princess of Swans, is a prisoner in her own realm. After a wartime disaster killed the queen and disfigured Feyana's face, the king confined his only daughter to an isolated castle until the end of the war. Ten years later, the princess doubts that peace will...
by Elsinora
June 28th, 2012, 9:58 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Humorous Women's Fiction
Replies: 15
Views: 3741

Re: Query: Humorous Women's Fiction

I like the phrase "misfiring on all cylinders" BECAUSE it subverts the typical phrase. It humorously turns a cliche on its head. One thing I did notice upon rereading the latest revision: the phrase "cervical good fortune" is amusing, but not really accurate. The only role a cervix plays in a pregna...
by Elsinora
June 27th, 2012, 2:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Humorous Women's Fiction
Replies: 15
Views: 3741

Re: Query: Humorous Women's Fiction

I agree with everyone that the voice here is FANTASTIC (yes, all-caps, it is that good), but I also agree with Cheekychook that the query itself could be streamlined a bit without damaging that voice. My suggestions: Happily married party planner Maggie Whitmore is used to getting what she wants. Ye...
by Elsinora
June 27th, 2012, 11:55 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Death's Catalyst
Replies: 15
Views: 4101

Re: Query: Death's Catalyst

It sounds like you have an interesting plot here, but it isn't coming through as well as it could. I would suggest you ditch the rhetorical question and open with something like this: Promising young detective Ben Lastname has never doubted the justice system--until his own son becomes the case. Con...
by Elsinora
June 27th, 2012, 10:52 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: PRINCESS OF SWANS -- YA Fantasy
Replies: 12
Views: 2907

Re: PRINCESS OF SWANS -- YA Fantasy

Thanks for the feedback! I can't believe I missed the fact I never specified that "the enemy" was another country. D'oh! First revision: Dear Agent, Twenty-year-old Feyana Belmaron--Amgovar's first female Prince of Swans and sole heir to the country's throne--should be the most powerful woman alive....
by Elsinora
June 27th, 2012, 1:28 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: PRINCESS OF SWANS -- YA Fantasy
Replies: 12
Views: 2907

PRINCESS OF SWANS -- YA Fantasy

I've discovered that I'm great at editing my friends' queries, but godawful at editing my own. Any and all suggestions would be appreciated! Dear Agent, Twenty-year-old Feyana Belmaron – the first ever female Prince of Swans, heir to the throne of Amgovar – should be the most powerful woman alive. I...
by Elsinora
June 27th, 2012, 12:56 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: Serendipity - New version on post 09
Replies: 9
Views: 2745

Re: QUERY: Serendipity - New version on post 04

I agree with the suggestions of previous posters, but I think this can be tightened up even more: Dear Mr./Ms. Agent: Princess Maya of Veranneah wants to use her witchcraft to fight bad guys and explore faraway lands--but only after high school ends. Until then, she's more than happy to play normal,...