Search found 12 matches

by Penang
August 4th, 2010, 5:48 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: REVISED Synopsis - Timeless (YA Paranormal Romance)
Replies: 22
Views: 5103

Re: REVISED Synopsis - Timeless (YA Paranormal Romance)

I definitely think your second attempt is much more fluid and interesting. Justa couple of suggestions to help make things clear: How does Leo recognize her? He was only 5 when she was "killed" and most people can't remember details that clearly, is he comparing it to a portrait or to a relative she...
by Penang
July 27th, 2010, 9:02 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 283359

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Title: Songbird Genre: YA I was six when Jace died. He took me to the park while babysitting me. He always did things like that. It didn't matter we only went there so he could make out with his girlfriend, Kayla. What mattered was he took me. Mom and Dad never bothered. Dad was always too busy work...
by Penang
July 23rd, 2010, 12:08 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie
Replies: 5
Views: 912

Re: New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie

Thanks for the suggestions! I'm going to do some more tinkering with it. :) Ang
by Penang
July 22nd, 2010, 1:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm
Replies: 27
Views: 4051

Re: Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm

Dear AGENT, Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life. nice hook When an unexplained package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' forgotten childhood comes knocking at the door where else would they knock? . With nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that suggests he ask his true paren...
by Penang
July 22nd, 2010, 12:56 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: A life in Death - YA Fantasy *New Version, Page 4*
Replies: 41
Views: 6023

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy *New Version*

Corvette O’Connor has the perfect life; awesome friends, great family and pretty much anything a teen could want. The only problem: her seventeenth birthday. The day all humans dread.**Why? Turning into a deathling is pretty much **cut this since you use the exact same phrasing in the opening sente...
by Penang
July 22nd, 2010, 12:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie
Replies: 5
Views: 912

New attempt at YA query - The Evolution of Janie

I entirely scrapped the other versions simply because I felt I was getting stuck on using specific phrases and words that my mind would just not let me cut. Here I'm really debating about opening with the town. I feel it's a stronger sentence and sets up why the protagonist is important and the conf...
by Penang
June 30th, 2010, 6:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Evolution of Janie YA query
Replies: 7
Views: 1447

Re: The Evolution of Janie YA query

Thanks for the feedback! I totally agree on some of the awkward phrasing and the cliches. I'll work on finding a better way to say it. I'm going to rework both of the queries this week.

:) Ang
by Penang
June 30th, 2010, 6:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4999

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

I like your newest rewrite! You bring up her need to rely on God in order to solve her problem and you also mention that she's trying to hide from her past and forget the things she's done. This query sounds much more like a Christian themed novel. I do think that the book sounds really interesting....
by Penang
June 29th, 2010, 1:24 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4999

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

I've only read through the last three versions and I like the sound of your story. I think though, that an agent may look at it and think there's just too much going on. What's the focus of the story? You have: 1. teen with a criminal past and intent to hurt people 2. government experiment 3. romanc...
by Penang
June 28th, 2010, 3:47 pm
Forum: Self-Publishing
Topic: ISBN numbers???
Replies: 7
Views: 1491

Re: ISBN numbers???

I had the same offer after completing the NANO challenge. I did get an ISBN number but I never made it available for purchase. I got my proof copy and that was all I did. So technically it has never been published and will not affect my chance of getting a publishing contract. Like the previous post...
by Penang
June 27th, 2010, 5:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Evolution of Janie YA query
Replies: 7
Views: 1447

Re: The Evolution of Janie YA query

Thanks, Quill! Okay, so I took a long hard look at it and decided to try an entirely new one :) I haven't completely abandoned the first but I'm just so stuck on the wording that I can't figure out how to rework it. **Second query*** People only hurt you. It’s an adage Janie Carter holds onto since ...
by Penang
June 27th, 2010, 4:19 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Evolution of Janie YA query
Replies: 7
Views: 1447

The Evolution of Janie YA query

**I'm editing to include a second query choice in this post as well (also in post #3) This is my most recent attemp at my query. I had some success with my previous query but I've since done major rewrites and need a new query. I'm open to all feedback! Thanks! :) Ang **First Query** "You’ll die cur...