Search found 12 matches

by Tom Mullin
April 3rd, 2013, 3:12 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDER
Replies: 4
Views: 5217

Re: Query: THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDER

My main problem with this query is that it's too vague. I don't get the conflict for Brimley once he becomes a tutor other than he has to keep his past opinions and identity hidden. Plus it seems that once he gets an 'in' to the high life, his treasonous criticisms no longer apply ('bedding the ladi...
by Tom Mullin
November 27th, 2012, 3:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 'The Eyes Have It' urban fantasy query - Revised 11/9/12
Replies: 12
Views: 6150

Re: 'The Eyes Have It' urban fantasy query - Revised 11/9/12

Thanks for your input LurkingVirologist. I'll take your thoughts into consideration to make my query less of an info dump, but still remain enticing. This is a difficult balance to be sure as my earlier versions get the 'you're too vague' criticism when I try to be cagey with the plot. As I said in ...
by Tom Mullin
November 9th, 2012, 12:28 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: 'The Eyes Have It' urban fantasy query - Revised 11/9/12
Replies: 12
Views: 6150

Re: 'The Eyes Have It' urban fantasy query - Revised 11/9/12

I think this query is getting better with every iteration. ‘Thank you’ to those who commented above. The latest version is below at 250 words total (before the ‘personalized’ part). Tell me what you think. Dear (agent name here): Sixteen-year-old Paul Timmins’ new contact lenses cause him to see a s...
by Tom Mullin
November 4th, 2012, 1:08 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: 'The Eyes Have It' urban fantasy query - Revised 11/9/12
Replies: 12
Views: 6150

Re: 'The Eyes Have It' (YA?) urban fantasy query - Revised

It’s a delicate balance to supply details yet remain enticing without giving the whole story away. Every version of this query makes sense to me, so I like getting varying points of view on it to see what it lacks. I am not going to revise it to meet every question or comment posed in response. It d...
by Tom Mullin
October 30th, 2012, 1:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Anna's Nuclear Winter - Alternate History/Paramilitary SF
Replies: 2
Views: 1381

Re: Anna's Nuclear Winter - Alternate History/Paramilitary SF

Sarah: I'd focus on one story at a time (novella, short story or whatever). As it's written, the hero of your query is Anna's father and he never gets a name. Start there. Anna's father Bob escapes into the nuclear winter wasteland with his wife, daughter, and friends to found a new colony just outs...
by Tom Mullin
October 30th, 2012, 1:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 'The Eyes Have It' urban fantasy query - Revised 11/9/12
Replies: 12
Views: 6150

Re: 'The Eyes Have It' (YA?) urban fantasy query - Revised

Here is my revised query with more details. Let me know if this entices you enough (moreso than the last one)... The meat of it is 252 words - only two more than Query Shark recommends. Thanks. Dear (agent name here): Sixteen-year-old Paul Timmins does not expect to start seeing things with his new ...
by Tom Mullin
October 28th, 2012, 12:26 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: 'The Eyes Have It' urban fantasy query - Revised 11/9/12
Replies: 12
Views: 6150

Re: 'The Eyes Have It' YA urban fantasy query

Hi wilderness: Thank you for your comments. I do read/have read Query Shark. I am currently revising my query and I’ll post it again once I’m happy with the changes. My ‘vagueness’ is me trying to hold back details to entice the reader and make them wonder about what’s going on. A lot of the questio...
by Tom Mullin
October 24th, 2012, 8:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 'The Eyes Have It' urban fantasy query - Revised 11/9/12
Replies: 12
Views: 6150

Re: 'The Eyes Have It' YA urban fantasy query

Hey Kristie:

Thanks for your thoughts on my query.

I’m going to hold off my comments in hopes that I get additional feedback.
by Tom Mullin
October 23rd, 2012, 3:35 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 'The Eyes Have It' urban fantasy query - Revised 11/9/12
Replies: 12
Views: 6150

'The Eyes Have It' urban fantasy query - Revised 11/9/12

My novel is as ready as it's going to be. Time to send out queries. Please help me with some feedback. Thank you. Dear (agent name here): Sixteen-year-old Paul Timmins does not expect to start seeing things with his new contact lenses. At first, he catches glimpses of shapes at the edges of his visi...
by Tom Mullin
October 23rd, 2012, 3:26 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Perdition City Query
Replies: 3
Views: 1517

Re: Perdition City Query

Mitchell: I've been a big fan of Frank Miller/Sin City since way back in the beginning. I can appreciate what you're trying to do with 'Perdition City', but I have to agree with wilderness above: I think this query as written doesn't tell me what the story is about. It's a list of interesting charac...
by Tom Mullin
October 9th, 2012, 11:40 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG: Under Sentinel Guard - Which Query Do You Like?
Replies: 8
Views: 2498

Re: MG: Under Sentinel Guard - Which Query Do You Like?

Sarah: My advice would be to pick one query to revise and go with that one until it’s where you want it. Why make twice the work with two queries? My revisions/suggestions for your Query Four: When he wakes up in an unfamiliar room covered in a flowered quilt and surrounded by hospital machines, twe...
by Tom Mullin
October 9th, 2012, 6:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: NEWEST REVISION - Query - The Phoenix: A Gathering
Replies: 9
Views: 2542

Re: NEWEST REVISION - Query - The Phoenix: A Gathering

Kristie: Here’s my two cents’ worth of revisions to your query. It’s mostly ‘grammar police’. Dear Agent, Seventeen-year-old Ivy Watson has just met meets the gorgeous Dane Phillips who’s annoying, mysterious, and...naked. Unfortunately, just (I have to edit out ‘just’ in my own stuff often. There’s...