Search found 55 matches

by mfreivald
August 29th, 2010, 7:45 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3413

Re: Query: The Enemy Within (Take 2 or maybe 3)

Ah. The spy unknowingly falling in love with his target does make it more challenging, but it certainly makes it more interesting. Nineteen-year-old Julienne Dalton goes from southern belle to Confederate spy to avenge her father’s murder by Union soldiers. Her exploits become legendary--as a man, h...
by mfreivald
August 29th, 2010, 4:02 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query:Forever Young-YA Urban Fantasy (version 2)
Replies: 8
Views: 1216

Re: Query:Forever Young-YA Urban Fantasy (version 2)

This applies to the recent version. As I read through, the detail of his adoptive situation, the nature of his parents, the stalker, assassins, etc. were mostly confusing. But then the revelation that his past is interwoven with immortals was completely disorienting. I think you need to shorten the ...
by mfreivald
August 29th, 2010, 3:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3413

Re: Query: The Enemy Within (Take 2 or maybe 3)

I think you're on the right track, but you need to focus the tension some. My perception is that your story's tension follows this line: Julienne is a motivated spy. She is discovered and in danger of capture, so she returns to safety. (tension lowers) A man marries her to expose her to capture. She...
by mfreivald
August 29th, 2010, 3:05 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Griffinborn
Replies: 9
Views: 1594

Re: Query - Griffinborn

This query is fairly clear, and you have some decent rising tension, but that tension is too diffused in the second paragraph. You want to have a hard hitting statement that says “Oh-ho! This guys in trouble,” but instead you have a bunch of things that equally distract from each other instead of dr...
by mfreivald
August 29th, 2010, 2:42 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Drunkard's Daughter: Started from Scratch, see p. 2
Replies: 24
Views: 4085

Re: The Drunkard's Daughter: Revision at End of This Page

Hello, elfspirit. This post applies mostly to the second query. This query needs focus and rising tension. You hit me rapid fire with so many names and familial relationships that I would have to draw a diagram to keep track. I only have a vague idea about the biggest worry of your protagonist (the ...
by mfreivald
August 7th, 2010, 10:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Help- FORSAKEN
Replies: 40
Views: 6573

Re: Query Help- FORSAKEN

Well, I deserve a flogging for suggesting a line written in the passive. I also think you could drop the reference to typical maidens altogether. So an active sentence might read: "The sudden murder of Anna's family crushed her hopes for courtship at the age of sixteen." If you wanted to keep the ma...
by mfreivald
August 4th, 2010, 11:35 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*
Replies: 22
Views: 3251

Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*

Thanks, notw.
by mfreivald
August 4th, 2010, 11:06 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Help- FORSAKEN
Replies: 40
Views: 6573

Re: Query Help- FORSAKEN

Most maidens at the age of sixteen are hoping for a courtship as they enter into adulthood, but Anna is left grasping for answers after the sudden murder of her family. <--I think this could be a lot stronger. Maybe: “Anna’s hopes for a courtship at sixteen, typical for maidens her age, were crushe...
by mfreivald
August 4th, 2010, 10:13 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, Temporarily Retired
Replies: 34
Views: 4965

Re: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, New, New Version

Of course, "advantages" is kind of a flat word, but you could find something better. "She’s found her niche, though, channeling her predatory skills to bodyguard. . . ." "She’s found her niche, though, channeling her rage to bodyguard. . . ." "She’s found her niche, though, channeling her deadly tal...
by mfreivald
August 3rd, 2010, 7:27 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, Temporarily Retired
Replies: 34
Views: 4965

Re: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, New, New Version

I’m fighting a little “query fatigue” right now, but I’ll try to do you justice. Being a half-blood is inconvenient even on a good day, especially when the half you got from your mother is werewolf. <--A little awkward. I think “when your mother’s half is werewolf” would be an effective condensation...
by mfreivald
August 3rd, 2010, 4:49 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*
Replies: 22
Views: 3251

Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*

After trying the new approaches, they seemed deficient compared to the previous, so here is the newest version with some (hopefully) improvements. I think/hope I'm close here. Thanks for any thoughts you have on it. Dear <Agent Name>, The sacred Vine, the mystical wellspring of power that binds all ...
by mfreivald
August 2nd, 2010, 11:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Don't come to the House Tonight - edited
Replies: 30
Views: 4446

Re: Don't come to the House Tonight - edited

might steal your paperclip bit for the book hehe
With my blessing. I probably got it from someone else.
by mfreivald
August 2nd, 2010, 4:05 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Another Query attempt
Replies: 25
Views: 3792

Re: Another Query attempt

I hope this isn’t annoying (a frequent risk inherent with who I am), but I’d like to pick out your best parts and build up from there. I skimmed the next earlier version, and I think you need to jump right into the root of the conflict. You have a pretty good opening line in this (I edited it some):...
by mfreivald
August 2nd, 2010, 3:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*
Replies: 22
Views: 3251

Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *redux-v4*

Thank you, Emily J. and notw. Your comments are a great help.

Not sure what the best approach is. I'm thinking of returning to some derivation of a previous version (v3 in this thread.)
by mfreivald
August 2nd, 2010, 1:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Don't come to the House Tonight - edited
Replies: 30
Views: 4446

Re: Don't come to the House Tonight - edited

This is better. Janie Lloyd was having a bad day; the hot, humid heat <--“hot heat” is redundant. Simply saying “heat and humidity” should work.--<< had given her a migraine and she was so bored with life that even tormenting the office junior had lost its fun. On top of this, her mother called to t...