Search found 13 matches

by aswiebe
June 21st, 2010, 10:40 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Vicesteed Query - Revised!
Replies: 15
Views: 2300

Re: Vicesteed Query - Revised!

Hmm. A vicesteed is somebody who lives in a re-creation of crime-ridden Old Earth while her experiences are broadcast to an audience unknown to her. I did intend the second clause as a definition. Do I need to reword to something like "a vicesteed, an 'actor' living in a re-creation of crime-ridden ...
by aswiebe
June 20th, 2010, 11:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Vicesteed Query - Revised!
Replies: 15
Views: 2300

Re: Vicesteed Query - Revised!

Dear Agent: Valinda's only memories are of life as a vicesteed, living in a re-creation of crime-ridden Old Earth while her experiences are broadcast to an audience unknown to her. One of her scripted encounters goes wrong, leaving the other actor dying at her feet. During Valinda's clinic visit aft...
by aswiebe
June 20th, 2010, 4:21 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Bond of Darkness Query
Replies: 11
Views: 1891

Re: Bond of Darkness Query

I found the query intriguing, but I found the summary frustratingly vague as to what the "infection" actually is and how it ties to this seemingly unrelated conflict that she's suddenly a pawn in. I'd also like to know some personal motivation for the main character.
by aswiebe
June 20th, 2010, 4:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Jade´s Hurricane Query
Replies: 19
Views: 3126

Re: Jade´s Hurricane Query

Hi everyone! I´m a new member here, and I would love some feedback on my query (specially because english is not my mother tongue...). I also love to critique queries (already went through some)! Share the luff folks! Cheers! *** Dear Mr. _________ In a world where people can tame the four elements...
by aswiebe
June 17th, 2010, 12:20 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Vicesteed Query - Revised!
Replies: 15
Views: 2300

Re: Vicesteed Query

Alright, I'm going to be blunt here. I can't understand your query (which is a bad sign since I am an avid reader of Sci-Fi/fantasy and a steam punk afficionado, probably your target audience here). You really need to explain the inner workings of this world more. Starting with what a vicesteed is....
by aswiebe
June 17th, 2010, 10:19 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: I'm A Nobody, newest on page four
Replies: 34
Views: 5600

Re: I'm A Nobody, YA Fantasy

More details that show the protagonist's personality would be nice--need to know what will make him an engaging character.

Why is the Source going to prevent the war? How?
by aswiebe
June 16th, 2010, 11:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Gravity of San Miguel - Query - Sept. 23rd
Replies: 21
Views: 3671

Re: The Gravity of San Miguel - Query

Much improved! I think you can still flesh out some of the details but we've got a much better sense of it now. Specifically, what is the main conflict? You mention several problems, but I still think you need to boil it down. You definitely made some good progress though! Isabelle Martin prides he...
by aswiebe
June 16th, 2010, 11:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant
Replies: 50
Views: 7373

Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

with new paragraph (like i said, lots of free time) When the Department of Defense told geneticist Janelle Gray to modify its genetic cross-mutation experiment Makes me want to know what it was *before* she modified it--what they were experimenting on, what she was supposed to modify--the next para...
by aswiebe
June 16th, 2010, 10:56 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Vicesteed Query - Revised!
Replies: 15
Views: 2300

Re: Vicesteed Query

Sounds like the Joss Whedon TV series DOLLHOUSE, not to mention SOULLESS and WESTWORLD and THE MATRIX and Ian Beck's novel PASTWORLD, not that anyone has a patent on the basic idea. Like other commenters, I have a few questions:- Are the discerning audience depraved? In what way? What do the words ...
by aswiebe
June 16th, 2010, 10:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Vicesteed Query - Revised!
Replies: 15
Views: 2300

Re: Vicesteed Query

Valinda only remembers life as a vicesteed, living in a theme park of depravity where her experiences are broadcast to a discerning audience. One of her scripted experiences goes wrong, leaving the other vicesteed severely injured. During the routine clinic visit afterwards, she overhears a plan to...
by aswiebe
June 16th, 2010, 10:47 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Vicesteed Query - Revised!
Replies: 15
Views: 2300

Re: Vicesteed Query

It's an interesting idea, but I have a hard time picking out the main plot arc with what you've given us. I suspect Quincy's investigation of the Prince Consort's death is the main storyline, but it's the last plot element you mention. Seems like it might be better to lead with that (if the investi...
by aswiebe
June 16th, 2010, 10:05 am
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 213
Views: 119632

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Dear Mr. Bransford: Valinda only remembers life as a vicesteed, living in a theme park of depravity where her experiences are broadcast to a discerning audience. One of her scripted experiences goes wrong, leaving the other vicesteed severely injured. During the routine clinic visit afterwards, she ...
by aswiebe
June 15th, 2010, 1:30 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Vicesteed Query - Revised!
Replies: 15
Views: 2300

Vicesteed Query - Revised!

New Version: Dear Agent: Valinda's only memories are of life as a vicesteed, living in a re-creation of crime-ridden Old Earth while her experiences are broadcast to an audience unknown to her. One of her scripted encounters goes wrong, leaving the other actor dying at her feet. During Valinda's cl...