Search found 24 matches

by Thermocline
October 15th, 2010, 11:18 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
Replies: 22
Views: 2649

Re: Young Adult Fantasy Query

You've got a nice setup here. There are a mixture of details - some are great because they give us information that we need to know, others raise questions that slow down the reading of your query. During a school field trip, feisty seventeen-year-old Kat and four of her classmates discover a portal...
by Thermocline
October 14th, 2010, 4:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - A Scorpion's Nature
Replies: 8
Views: 1269

Re: QUERY - A Scorpion's Nature

I appreciate the feedback from everyone. I've incorporated your thoughts into the next draft. Let me know what you think. Dear Agent, It sucks to lose every fight, but Ryan Laraway refuses to run from them like his dad, the coward who deserted his fellow soldiers. Ryan lands in youth court after hi...
by Thermocline
October 14th, 2010, 4:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query
Replies: 15
Views: 2247

Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. Jin flees the Empire of Sol after her father, the Emperor, is murdered by his most trusted adviser. She travels north to seek aid and to convince the King of Tze to take action against the usurper. The coward instead ridicule...
by Thermocline
October 14th, 2010, 4:31 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: A Lullaby- YA paranormal romance query
Replies: 28
Views: 4138

Re: A Lullaby- YA paranormal romance query

You've got an interesting set-up here but I think it's getting lost in some of your verbiage. I get that you're giving us a sense of your voice but the core of your story is buried a little. A little trimming might help clarify the important elements. version 4 Agora Beckwith can't congratulate hers...
by Thermocline
October 14th, 2010, 4:03 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: HALEY - Suburban Gothic Novel
Replies: 14
Views: 2082

Re: HALEY - Suburban Gothic Novel

I agree with the other comments that this doesn't come across as fantasy. I think part of what might be contributing to this is the effort you put into showing how normal everything is until you get to the fifth paragraph. Cutting a number of these elements will not only speed up your query but will...
by Thermocline
October 14th, 2010, 3:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query
Replies: 18
Views: 2134

Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

You've got a good query here, and you've been making great progress through your revisions. I think a little more trimming with make it even stronger. If seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales had known she was dating the son of the devil, she might have reconsidered. I like that she "might" have reconsid...
by Thermocline
October 13th, 2010, 4:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - A Scorpion's Nature
Replies: 8
Views: 1269

QUERY - A Scorpion's Nature

I’ve been revising my manuscript and this query over the past two months and am ready to get some feedback on it again. Everyone provided some great advice last time. Thanks, in advance, for your comments! Dear Agent, It sucks to lose every fight, but Ryan Laraway refuses to run from them like his ...
by Thermocline
October 13th, 2010, 3:58 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query
Replies: 15
Views: 2247

Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

This version is a nice improvement. I like that you added details like, "Emperor of Sol," "traveled north, "and "King of Tze." They helped ground me. When I read your previous versions, I was wondering in which world/time period this took place. Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She ...
by Thermocline
October 13th, 2010, 3:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Wizard Seeking Trophy Bride
Replies: 9
Views: 1363

Re: Wizard Seeking Trophy Bride

As the others have noted, it's hard to like Sonny. I also wonder if he really is a slacker. I'm guessing that cheating villagers, pilfering gold, and planning a pageant take some initiative. Is there another way you could describe him that might make Sonny a more sympathetic protagonist? What about ...
by Thermocline
October 13th, 2010, 2:42 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Meant To Be---another new version
Replies: 61
Views: 7601

Re: Meant To Be---Comm. Fic---new "special request" version

It is great to see how much refining you've done on this query. I remember commenting on it back in August. Congratulations on getting some requests! That's great. I think you should keep "his divorce, her widowhood, single parenting" because it shows us specifically what they're dealing with. The o...
by Thermocline
October 13th, 2010, 2:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
Replies: 13
Views: 2114

Re: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query

You've used some interesting phrases to let your voice come through. Nice job with that. Your query gives me a sense of the style of your book, but some of the details you provide seem thrown in to showcase that style rather than give me the important items I need to know about the book. For example...
by Thermocline
October 13th, 2010, 12:01 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query SEVENTY-TWO HOURS
Replies: 7
Views: 1187

Re: Query SEVENTY-TWO HOURS

As the others have said, removing the cliches will help your own voice shine in this query. I wonder whether Anna or Claire is the main character. Having your query focus on one of the girls will show us who is the MC. It will also help us feel what the character is feeling. Right now, your query te...
by Thermocline
August 9th, 2010, 1:09 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query THE ADVENTURES OF PUCKATOO MG -Which one is better
Replies: 6
Views: 729

Re: Query THE ADVENTURES OF PUCKATOO MG -Which one is better

I like the shorter version better as well. I think you could change the last line, though, to make a stronger query. Right now, it gives away the end of the book (telling us what Puckatoo has learned and that everything works out fine.) Try to find a way to leave us wondering what is going to happen...
by Thermocline
August 9th, 2010, 12:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Meant To Be---another new version
Replies: 61
Views: 7601

Re: New super-short version of Query---Meant To Be---Comm. Fic

Thermocline---Thanks for your feedback---I have two longer, earlier versions of my query posted upthread that answer all the questions you ask about this query---this version was scaled down for length purposes only, but if it's giving a negative, unsympathetic reader reaction to my characters obvi...
by Thermocline
August 9th, 2010, 12:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query
Replies: 68
Views: 8193

Re: The Whip-Slip query

17-year-old Thea Vans would do anything for her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’s never going to speak to him again. Cool first paragraph. I definitely want to read more. It was small at first: a fresh cut healed under her fingertips; a bruise left on her guardian’s arm with a tiny touch; a whis...