Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Way tighter and better than the earlier versions. It doesn't even sound like the same project. I immediately understood it was sci-fi/fantasy.

Congratulations!

Capaloha---

Aloha, There is a market for college graduates with dreams that exceed their reach. Jason Ryan Dorsey has made a career out of writing self-help books for this crowd. I agree with the chick-lit recommendation, or the "fun summer beach read" if that is a category. Back to your query - there...

Hey there....how did the query work for you? Do you need more feedback, or are you set?

Capaloha---

Wow - wow - what an idea...ok, I'm intrigued, and hope to help you chase down words that detract from your strong story. Here goes...basically any words in bold are suggestions for deletion ....I was looking for multiple prepositional phrases to take out. Sometimes they weaken your central premise. ...

I love the ass over tea kettle line, and believe it speaks for itself as "madly in love". You could delete the reference to madly in love to tighten it up. As for nudging professional boundaries, I'd love an example. What if he mentions her in a TV interview, or better yet, writes a song a...