Search found 32 matches

by chris13
April 2nd, 2014, 8:28 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 274708

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Musicmakers YA fantasy (248 words) Roiseen dropped her violin case on the kitchen counter, ignoring the violin's protesting twang. Music was dead to her. She slid into a chair and propped her second favorite pair of identical cowboy boots on the family recyclables bin. Remnants from last night's Phi...
by chris13
December 4th, 2010, 12:41 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: MEMOIRS OF DANIEL: THE FALLEN (Fantasy)
Replies: 6
Views: 1307

Re: MEMOIRS OF DANIEL: THE FALLEN (Fantasy)

Hi, Just some quick comments.... I like the story, but I believe the query is more of a synopsis. You mention a lot of major issues, like the war, but don't give further details. Your 3rd graf...."Love for an angel....." would be a cool way to start. I know how difficult it is to distill a world int...
by chris13
December 4th, 2010, 12:24 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised query HARP-BROKEN, take 2 (at end)
Replies: 8
Views: 1573

Re: Revised query HARP-BROKEN, take 2 (at end)

Thanks again, everyone, for the excellent comments. Really. I'm serious. Made excellent sense.

And Jessie -- your avatar is wicked fun, too.
by chris13
November 27th, 2010, 10:02 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 2
Replies: 20
Views: 3187

Re: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: lit fiction query

This sounds like something I would read. I do think you need to start with the hook, however. Who, stakes, consequences in the first graf. I also would like to see MC's world fleshed out a bit, since it sounds so interesting. The query is pretty short, which is good, but I don't think it is doing yo...
by chris13
November 27th, 2010, 9:53 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised query HARP-BROKEN, take 2 (at end)
Replies: 8
Views: 1573

Re: Revised query HARP-BROKEN, take 2

Again, super thanks. Is this any clearer? BTW, MC's mistakenly thinking she knows the gods are faeries is a main plot twist so I need to keep this in. ------------------- When sixteen-year-old Philadelphian Roiseen O'Reilly's father disappears in Ireland, searching for him puts her on a collision co...
by chris13
November 23rd, 2010, 4:57 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised query HARP-BROKEN, take 2 (at end)
Replies: 8
Views: 1573

Re: Revised query HARP-BROKEN

Thanks for the great comments. Great catch on the lack of connection between these 2 sentences... ......father disappears in Ireland, she and her mom move there to track him down. Now Roiseen figures she knows her eccentric schoolmates' secret: they're faeries. And I've been doing too much work on t...
by chris13
November 22nd, 2010, 8:59 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: DISREGARD THIS POST PLEASE. Women's fiction query - ELSA
Replies: 11
Views: 1925

Re: Help! Women's fiction query - ELSA

Hi, I agree, the agent needs to know the secret, since that is what is driving her to Russia, interacting with her daughter, etc. What is the MC's major need, and how does she attempt to fulfill it? What are her obstacles? What happens if she doesn't overcome them, or if she does? These are the thin...
by chris13
November 22nd, 2010, 8:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised query HARP-BROKEN, take 2 (at end)
Replies: 8
Views: 1573

Revised query HARP-BROKEN, take 2 (at end)

Hi generous, wonderful, brilliant editor-people, I've been re-working my query and here's the latest version. Thanks SO MUCH for all your prior useful comments, and I would love to hear your thoughts on this iteration. C. ----------- Agent comments... In YA fantasy HARP-BROKEN, a girl finds her dest...
by chris13
September 20th, 2010, 4:58 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: HARP-BROKEN--latest version at end..thanks for input!
Replies: 14
Views: 2675

Re: Query: HARP-BROKEN--latest version at end..thanks for input!

Thanks so much to everyone who contributed helpful comments. I just got my beta reader's comments, and will be changing a few things that will be reflected in a revised query.

Best wishes to everyone--see ya on the shelves!
by chris13
September 10th, 2010, 4:12 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: HARP-BROKEN--latest version at end..thanks for input!
Replies: 14
Views: 2675

Re: Query: HARP-BROKEN--new version at end...thanks for input!

Once more into the breach.....here's my latest version. Thanks for your invaluable input....you folks are so generous with your time..... ;-) --------------------------------------- Latest version Sept. 10--HARP-BROKEN query Agent info, as appropriate… In YA fantasy HARP-BROKEN, Philadelphia teen Ro...
by chris13
September 9th, 2010, 4:59 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Forever Young: The Rebirth- final version?
Replies: 25
Views: 3098

Re: Query- Forever Young: The Rebirth- newest version

Hi, The idea is intriguing....I like the story line. Here are some comments that may help the query. One overall thought is that you say this is YA, which is usually older teens. And Aaren's age makes him awfully young for partying and drinking....how does he do that? Not that 13 year olds don't.......
by chris13
September 8th, 2010, 4:56 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3294

Re: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3

Loving it. Great improvements.
by chris13
September 8th, 2010, 4:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: new WHAT A PAINE! query page 3
Replies: 32
Views: 4439

Re: new WHAT A PAINE! query page 3

I like it too, except am not thrilled with the first graf. The 2nd one starts strong and tells the story. The first kind of moralizes. Calling fairy tales crap might not make an agent who reps them jump to read the 2nd graf. It seems a tangent. Maybe something that happens to her that keeps her in t...
by chris13
September 3rd, 2010, 4:34 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Griffinborn
Replies: 9
Views: 1528

Re: Query - Griffinborn

Hi, I love the premise, but also agree that the 2nd graf is confusing. And a small point....A corsair is a ship, and the word used for certain airplanes. It threw me off until I learned this seemed to be a person. It's like calling someone Frigate or Corsaire--at least in the query when there are no...
by chris13
September 2nd, 2010, 2:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: HARP-BROKEN--latest version at end..thanks for input!
Replies: 14
Views: 2675

Re: Query: HARP-BROKEN--new version at end...thanks for input!

Thanks, good comments. Will continue to slog along..... ;-)