Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Okay. First, let me just thank you all again for your feedback. I've tried to let it sink in and work passive, background magic and hopefully that will show. All feedback welcome and appreciated! Newest Latest Version Dear Agent, Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite soldiers, given immens...

Thanks ceiser. I've got the rules of the world and what makes Maria burn down pretty well in the ms. I was worried about bogging the synopsis down in details so it's good to know that I can add more. Thanks. Any other questions lingering through or were they really focused on the burn/rebirth? That...

Hi, rainbowsheeps. I think this version is much tighter and smoother. The only thing that niggled me was the "winning Evelyn's trust" statement in the third paragraph. Is she angry with him? Does she feel she constantly has to watch him to make sure he doesn't do it again? Or is it really ...

Hi, jhoward. I think you've made some real improvements, but I came away feeling this way after reading: Paragraph 1: The Harts are in Barathio, Ze'el wants to kill them. Paragraph 2: The Harts are in Barathio, Ze'el wants to kill them. Paragraph 3: The Harts are in Barathio, Ze'el wants to kill the...

Thanks, lunerunit. That's pretty helpful. Back to the drawing board!

Hi, writermorris. I don't claim to be an authority on anything that goes on in this forum, but here are my impressions. When I finished this, I felt like I'd just read a really long query letter. I could have missed something, but I was under the impression that the synopsis was supposed to leave no...

Okay, I couldn't leave this alone like I wanted to, but I feel like I made progress. I hope I made progress. Anyway, here's the latest. All feedback appreciated! Latest Version Dear Agent, Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite soldiers, given immense power by the Emperor's gift of an Artif...

Hi, Kathleen. You can see by my attempt at a query that I'm no expert, but this looks pretty good overall. Here are just a few impressions. Hope it's helpful. Good luck! :-) This is my query! Please hack it to shreds because my ms is all set to go but I think the query needs some major help! Dear __...

Hi, Shadow! You've been making great progress (and I can totally sympathize with your frustration right now!). I think it's definitely coming together. Here's my take: Thanks lunerunit and Mel! You guys give great advice, but jeeze this thing is driving me crazy! That doesn't mean you guys should ta...

Thanks again for the feedback, rainbowsheeps and shadow! I think need to step back and breathe for a bit. I've tried to illustrate this in the query, but the book is about the main character's training leading up to the the competition. The competition is at the very end, so I can't really see start...

Okay, I freely admit to drowning in the dark here. I am struggling. But everyone's feedback is really helping (though it may not be showing in my revisions). Here is a new take and I really have no idea if it's good or bad. I think I need to take a break from the darned thing, but I'm on vacation an...

Hi, rainbowsheeps. Thanks for all your help with my query. Looks like you've made some progress here. Overall it looks good. I'm no authority, but here are just a few things that stood out to me... So, I'm trying to connect the strings a little better. I don't know if it's working, so that's what I'...

Many thanks to shadow, Ermo, rainbowsheeps, and wilderness! The second sentence is still passive, but I've tried to incorporate everyone's advice where I could for now. Still not there, but working on it. Here's version 3! ----- Dear Agent, The only thing Jav Holson knows is that whatever robbed him...

Hi, Shadow. This is better, but there are still some rough spots, I think. Here's my take. Scratch Scratch. I worked out an even better revision. Is it any better in your guys' eyes? Dear Agent, Raised by his father to hate humans, Vitiosus is a dark Lassertian warrior (you might want to refer to hi...

Thanks for all the great feedback! It's been very helpful. Below is an older version of the query, but maybe it's a better direction to go in. I think it addresses some of the points brought up, but isn't quite right yet. Thanks in advance for all your help! ------ Dear Agent, The only thing Jav Hol...