Search found 47 matches

by lunerunit
January 25th, 2011, 8:07 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Guardian's Code
Replies: 14
Views: 2253

Re: Query: The Guardian's Code

Thanks again for the feedback. Sooo helpful. I think I'm gonna let this all stew a couple of days and then take a look at it again later and see if anything jumps out at me.
by lunerunit
January 25th, 2011, 12:32 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Guardian's Code
Replies: 14
Views: 2253

Re: Query: The Guardian's Code

I was a little worried about the word count, and played with it a little more. I removed the line about the invisible barrier just to see what it would sound like, but I think the information about the barrier is pretty vital. I tweaked a couple other areas where I found I could tighten it up withou...
by lunerunit
January 24th, 2011, 9:45 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised Fantasy Query
Replies: 5
Views: 1186

Re: Revised Fantasy Query

The strange strange is too vague. What is so strange about him and why is he jumping off a cliff? It is just a really weird way to start the query. And I agree with Falen about adding "When" at the beginning. boy jumped off the cliff, pulling sixteen-year-old Sydney with him. As they fall she recog...
by lunerunit
January 24th, 2011, 1:53 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Guardian's Code
Replies: 14
Views: 2253

Re: Query: The Guardian's Code

Here we go again. Thanks Quill. You really know your stuff. I did my best, my brain is now throbbing and everything. My only worry is that the query is even more wordy than before trying to cover all the bases you mentioned. Perhaps there is a more efficient way, and if there is, please let me know....
by lunerunit
January 23rd, 2011, 1:04 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Guardian's Code
Replies: 14
Views: 2253

Re: Query: The Guardian's Code

Okay, so I think I addressed all of your points without compromising what I feel is neccessary. One of the biggest things I struggle with is showing how the spirit is seductive instead of telling. That is why I liked "Batting her eyelashes and speaking candied words." So I hope how I modified that p...
by lunerunit
January 22nd, 2011, 7:40 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Guardian's Code
Replies: 14
Views: 2253

Re: Query: The Guardian's Code

Thanks for al the feedback. I have been working on this a lot. I actually started back in the summer with the help of this thread. Everything all of you have mentioned is exactly what I've been toiling with. I'll play with it and see what I come up with. Thanks again. The feedback is sooo helpful.
by lunerunit
January 21st, 2011, 7:36 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Guardian's Code
Replies: 14
Views: 2253

Query: The Guardian's Code

I've spent some time reworking my novel and have changed many things including my title. Here is my latest Query. I did not include dear agent or anything as I will be entering this into a contest that does not require that information. I'm thinking it is a little wordy. Any suggestions? Fifteen-yea...
by lunerunit
January 3rd, 2011, 7:29 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: Synopsis: "The Princess and the Pirate" (9-14 year olds)
Replies: 8
Views: 2651

Re: Synopsis: "The Princess and the Pirate" (9-14 year olds)

ANA is a princess how old is this princess? , and her grandmother SOL is a vicious pirate. Their worlds collide when the mysterious What is so mysterious about him? RANSOM sends Ana to find Sol and bring her home. He says Ana’s mum needs Sol’s help , (I could be wrong, but isn't a comma more approp...
by lunerunit
July 31st, 2010, 2:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Another Query attempt
Replies: 25
Views: 3784

Re: Another Query attempt

Wow! I've taken a break from this thread but I was curious to see what you had changed since I lasted visited and Wow! This is so much better. It's like the blurb on the back of the book! Very nice! I'd say from a quick glance that maybe add a little more detail, something that points out an interes...
by lunerunit
May 26th, 2010, 7:59 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: First & third person in the same novel?
Replies: 7
Views: 2296

Re: First & third person in the same novel?

My verdict, in this case, is that it works. I think it makes the reading interesting.
by lunerunit
May 24th, 2010, 8:44 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: First & third person in the same novel?
Replies: 7
Views: 2296

First & third person in the same novel?

I'm in a writer's critique group and I'm reviewing a YA manuscript that I am really enjoying. But there is one thing that confuses me. The author has written the main character's perspective from 1st person, and the rest of the novel (everyone else's perspective) is written in 3rd person. I have nev...
by lunerunit
May 24th, 2010, 8:21 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION
Replies: 45
Views: 7273

Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

This version definately clarifies what happens. I thought, from the previous version, that Jav was worried that he might turn people into leathery husks, not that he did. With Rainbowsheeps suggestions, I think you are very close. Nicely done.
by lunerunit
May 23rd, 2010, 4:17 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION
Replies: 45
Views: 7273

Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

Dear Agent, Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite, super-powered soldiers. But the Ritual Mask, the Artifact that makes him so powerful, was never meant to last, and when it fails, Jav is a dead man. Unless, that is, he can win a new, permanent Artifact in a competition open only to the t...
by lunerunit
May 23rd, 2010, 3:42 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: VALENTINE, New Revision & stuff
Replies: 33
Views: 5063

Re: Query: VALENTINE, New Revision & stuff

I must say, I like this latest revision. Very nicely done! I tend to agree with Hillary, though. I'd like to know just how the visions seep into his real life.
by lunerunit
May 22nd, 2010, 6:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION
Replies: 45
Views: 7273

Re: SF Query: THE ARTIFACT COMPETITION

I have to agree with Rainbow here. The climax to the story seems to be missing in every pitch. If this element is not present in the story, strongly consider re-working the ms to include a climax - a battle scene, the breaking point that we as readers wait for. I have recently been slaving over re-w...