Search found 5 matches
- March 6th, 2011, 3:51 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: A Rainbow Divided, Still - First 300 Words...?
- Replies: 9
- Views: 5440
Re: A Rainbow Divided, Still - First 300 Words...?
I love the test-taking hook, and you're writing is exceptionally clear, but overall, I'm sorry to say this fails for me. My opinion is that this is a bit on the heavy side for a YA first page: information overload, and a bit tinged with exposition. In fewer than 300 words you've got your main charac...
- March 5th, 2011, 3:31 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Opening of Short Story 'Treasure'
- Replies: 5
- Views: 3444
Re: Opening of Short Story 'Treasure'
I think the confusion about Drafford's identity is what makes this strong. I wouldn't work to make that much more clear. I imagine it unfolds as the story progresses. Your question was whether I find the characters interesting, and I can't say that I do. But, from what I'm reading, it doesn't seem t...
- April 22nd, 2010, 10:25 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Intro and Outro
- Replies: 12
- Views: 4519
Re: Intro and Outro
I really like what you're doing. I haven't been in these forums long, but this is some of the better writing I've seen. The introduction is solid. However, I think the conclusion is really thin. I don't need to know what's on the leaf. In fact, I'd prefer not to know; your approach there is the same...
- April 14th, 2010, 2:21 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Prologue Blood of Idhun
- Replies: 9
- Views: 3710
Re: Prologue Blood of Idhun
I like what you're doing. I'm not a Fantasy fan, myself, but I can offer some feedback on style. First, I happen to like long sentences, so I respectfully disagree with the commenter who suggested chopping them up. That being said, long sentences are tricky and require perfect rhythm and cadence, an...
- April 13th, 2010, 11:33 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: New Manuscript - What do you think of this style?
- Replies: 14
- Views: 5585
Re: New Manuscript - What do you think of this style?
I, too, think you could slow this down significantly. Take the time to set the scene and build more tension before anything happens. Your words are sparse enough to cause a bit of confusion and apathy. You've clearly got the ambition and tools to put something good together, so I guess I'd suggest y...