Search found 64 matches

by JTB
April 16th, 2010, 4:05 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 2997

Re: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)

Despite the headaches, and the need to unravel his own mystery, he uses this gift to help people he encounters; like a demure farm girl in an abusive relationship, a black market "Robin Hood" pharmacy, and a spunky female rookie cop. a dash? Despite the headaches, and the need to unravel his own my...
by JTB
April 15th, 2010, 7:23 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 2997

Re: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)

more time arrived ............ Here's their role: They are "private security agents" (in this world, they're like cops that work for corporations) that are trying to get back Remy and Ash. They only know where Remy is, but he keeps escaping because he's scared. So they eventually set a "psychic mons...
by JTB
April 15th, 2010, 7:15 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER
Replies: 20
Views: 3152

Re: Query: A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER

' much improved now .... your first para might read better like this .... Seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers finds her boyfriend Tristan chained in the driveway after being beaten by a street gang. She does her best to liberate him. But when the rain comes in contact with his skin, the unimaginable h...
by JTB
April 14th, 2010, 5:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 2997

Re: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)

no the 'like' sentence is not ok - but overall this is much improved and i for one like it. the 'like' line feels too added, take it out and see how it reads - i get the sentiment and it feels right but it doesn't add to the sing of the song the ending line = YEAH when i got more time i'll say more j
by JTB
April 14th, 2010, 7:29 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Disobedient Chapter. Help edit please
Replies: 9
Views: 1710

Re: Disobedient Chapter. Help edit please

It's difficult to comment off the bat because we don't have any context or background/foreground about the piece and its relation to the overall story so the room for misunderstandings is high - like, is this the beginning of the chapter, the end, the middle .. and who are these characters, who's th...
by JTB
April 14th, 2010, 4:17 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Hunting in the Dark - Urban Fantasy TAKE 3
Replies: 18
Views: 2653

Re: Query - Hunting in the Dark - Urban Fantasy

It's not clear to me why - if she's refused to kill once - Callista now, when the werewolf is killed, feels she need to put her training into play? Why is she done watching from the sidelines? She's not liscenced, and benched - so what gives her the right to get involved? I get the impression frustr...
by JTB
April 13th, 2010, 5:24 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: New Manuscript - What do you think of this style?
Replies: 14
Views: 2730

Re: New Manuscript - What do you think of this style?

I agree with what someone said about not worrying about feedback yet, wait till the dust settles, see what you got and then get some feedback
by JTB
April 13th, 2010, 5:22 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER
Replies: 20
Views: 3152

Re: Query: A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER

You did need a little more in your query - but not that much :-) - I think you're doing what I do - trying out different things till you get there and I'm guessing that's about what it takes. Now you've got this info, you should be able to do what has already been mentioned, cut to the core of the s...
by JTB
April 13th, 2010, 4:19 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: DISTILLATION - REVISED AGAIN
Replies: 8
Views: 1885

Re: QUERY: DISTILLATION - REVISED AGAIN

i don't mean it literally - i mean cut back and then see what can be added, embellished etc - maybe I should state that more clearly

and agree - re the story Ariel - survive what?
by JTB
April 12th, 2010, 1:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: DISTILLATION - REVISED AGAIN
Replies: 8
Views: 1885

Re: QUERY: DISTILLATION - REVISED AGAIN

yes, cut to the juicy stuff - cut to the action, tell the agent what the story is about : I've had a go .... (still needs embellishing) --------------- Desperate to get away from home, Alice Towne heads for the hills of western Massachusetts. There, drawn into the lives of the people around her, she...
by JTB
April 8th, 2010, 12:25 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: Help with Synopsis!! Please Help!
Replies: 6
Views: 2074

Re: Help with Synopsis!! Please Help!

is this to send out to someone one or just for you - laying out the details of the story?
by JTB
April 8th, 2010, 12:23 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Archbishop's Son
Replies: 5
Views: 1209

Re: Query: The Archbishop's Son

one note:

the last line - is there too much going on here? i'm reading it a couple of times to get a solid sense of what the core quest/mission/story thing is - might be me (the sun's out here)!
by JTB
April 8th, 2010, 12:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: new query for I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, PLEASE HELP
Replies: 5
Views: 1209

Re: new query for I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, PLEASE HELP

cut your query down to one paragraph first - as if it's the back cover blurb and then work up from there. get to the core of the story and then see what you need to add if anything

at the moment as Emily says - tis very confusing
by JTB
April 6th, 2010, 6:40 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: SftOS - Help Revise Please? First Pages driving me crazy
Replies: 8
Views: 1540

Re: SftOS - Help Revise Please? First Pages driving me crazy

B

what i mean is, the piece of writing you submitted being in two parts is easily recast

:-)