Nathan Bransford - The Forums

In the first paragraph, I think you can cut "throughout the universe." It's implied. The next line is long and makes me gasp for air. Can you cut it or turn it into two? Maybe combine the 18th century part to the first sentence in the next paragraph. This will make the first paragraph more...

You're going to get mixed reviews about your first paragraph because some people feel you don't need to state that you're looking for an agent--it's a given. If you cut that, we can jump into your hook. As for your second paragraph, I need to see some verbs. The fragments are distracting. You can a...

You're going to get mixed reviews about your first paragraph because some people feel you don't need to state that you're looking for an agent--it's a given. If you cut that, we can jump into your hook. As for your second paragraph, I need to see some verbs. The fragments are distracting. You can al...

Draft 2 Thanks everyone for your feedback! I tried to combine all of the comments in my revisions. While this is shorter, I didn't actually cut that much; it was more of rearranging and combining sentences to work on my hook. Tell me what you think. Is it too short? _________________ Dear XYZ: When...

I think you might be including too much. In an attempt to streamline the letter, I suggest cutting "Will resents the notion he needs help and Abby resents Will for favoring her brother while disregarding her. Abby is disgusted at Will’s decline into alcohol and self-neglect since her brother’s ...

johydai, In the first line, I might cut "her arrogant foe" and just call Kellan "arrogant," if that's possible. Also, perhaps explain that Nadine was forced into an engagement. In the next line, can you call the winged horse a Pegasus? Next, there's something about using the word...

Thanks. I added "first" in front of "wife" in the last line of the second paragraph to clarify that it's not Casey's foster mother. Does this help? As far as "technology" in the first line, I originally had "past-life recall machine" but felt that was too deta...

I have my reservations about starting with a rhetorical question. Just think of all the other writers doing the same thing. The rest of the paragraph reads smoothly, with the exception of a missing "is" in the following sentence: "Life of a Suburban Unicorn, an 80,000 word suburban fa...

Please scroll down to read Draft 2 in RED --Thanks! Hey guys, I was hoping to get some feedback on my query. I've been working on it for a couple of weeks. If you get a chance, tell me what you think. Since I've reworked this several times, I'm concerned that I may have cut out important informatio...

Upon first glance, this query is looooong. Trim it any way possible. To begin: I like your first paragraph (except for "no less" in the parenthesis--cut that); it catches my interest. The second paragraph is a monster, though! Since you know your book best, only you can determine what need...

I'm having a hard time identifying the story line. What's "A Broken Mirror" about? I also think you might be taking too much creative license with the letter--the fragments, writing in character. As jessicatudor said about the length, you're probably going to run into difficulty finding a ...

I like your first line. It's short and catches our interest. The next line is long though. I would change it to "It’s bad enough that every civilization has countless conspiracy theories about the monuments his people have scattered throughout time--the pyramads, [some other mandmade structure]...

Cole, When writing a query I always ask myself, "What's my story about?" While the propaganda poster teases the reader, it doesn't really capture the essence of your book. Try to condense your story into one sentence. I know that sounds next to impossible, especially given how complicated ...

I like how you grab the reader by stating Remy's situation immediately. You follow it up by juxtaposing another interesting situation with Ash. That being said, my reservation is that you haven't identified the title, genre, word count, etc., until the second to last paragraph. I've done this too in...