Search found 14 matches

by ahalaw
April 5th, 2010, 7:44 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revision number six
Replies: 31
Views: 5861

Re: Revision number six

In the first paragraph, I think you can cut "throughout the universe." It's implied. The next line is long and makes me gasp for air. Can you cut it or turn it into two? Maybe combine the 18th century part to the first sentence in the next paragraph. This will make the first paragraph more scannable...
by ahalaw
March 13th, 2010, 3:33 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - First Try
Replies: 27
Views: 3919

Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - First Try

You're going to get mixed reviews about your first paragraph because some people feel you don't need to state that you're looking for an agent--it's a given. If you cut that, we can jump into your hook. As for your second paragraph, I need to see some verbs. The fragments are distracting. You can a...
by ahalaw
March 13th, 2010, 3:31 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - First Try
Replies: 27
Views: 3919

Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - First Try

You're going to get mixed reviews about your first paragraph because some people feel you don't need to state that you're looking for an agent--it's a given. If you cut that, we can jump into your hook. As for your second paragraph, I need to see some verbs. The fragments are distracting. You can al...
by ahalaw
March 13th, 2010, 2:45 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Speculative Fiction Query REVISED 3/14/10
Replies: 11
Views: 2045

Re: Speculative Fiction Query

Draft 2 Thanks everyone for your feedback! I tried to combine all of the comments in my revisions. While this is shorter, I didn't actually cut that much; it was more of rearranging and combining sentences to work on my hook. Tell me what you think. Is it too short? _________________ Dear XYZ: When...
by ahalaw
March 11th, 2010, 7:25 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Critique - The Potter's Daughter - Revision 5
Replies: 26
Views: 3262

Re: Query Critique - The Potter's Daughter - Revision 4

I think you might be including too much. In an attempt to streamline the letter, I suggest cutting "Will resents the notion he needs help and Abby resents Will for favoring her brother while disregarding her. Abby is disgusted at Will’s decline into alcohol and self-neglect since her brother’s death...
by ahalaw
March 10th, 2010, 8:27 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (fantasy)
Replies: 12
Views: 1869

Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (fantasy)

johydai, In the first line, I might cut "her arrogant foe" and just call Kellan "arrogant," if that's possible. Also, perhaps explain that Nadine was forced into an engagement. In the next line, can you call the winged horse a Pegasus? Next, there's something about using the word "consumer" that's a...
by ahalaw
March 10th, 2010, 4:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Speculative Fiction Query REVISED 3/14/10
Replies: 11
Views: 2045

Re: Speculative Fiction Query

Thanks. I added "first" in front of "wife" in the last line of the second paragraph to clarify that it's not Casey's foster mother. Does this help? As far as "technology" in the first line, I originally had "past-life recall machine" but felt that was too detailed for the first line. What do you thi...
by ahalaw
March 10th, 2010, 1:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Suburban Fantasy Query
Replies: 12
Views: 1741

Re: Suburban Fantasy Query

I have my reservations about starting with a rhetorical question. Just think of all the other writers doing the same thing. The rest of the paragraph reads smoothly, with the exception of a missing "is" in the following sentence: "Life of a Suburban Unicorn, an 80,000 word suburban fantasy, geared t...
by ahalaw
March 10th, 2010, 1:40 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Speculative Fiction Query REVISED 3/14/10
Replies: 11
Views: 2045

Speculative Fiction Query REVISED 3/14/10

Please scroll down to read Draft 2 in RED --Thanks! Hey guys, I was hoping to get some feedback on my query. I've been working on it for a couple of weeks. If you get a chance, tell me what you think. Since I've reworked this several times, I'm concerned that I may have cut out important informatio...
by ahalaw
March 9th, 2010, 6:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: Literary fiction/comic novel
Replies: 4
Views: 1205

Re: QUERY: Literary fiction/comic novel

Upon first glance, this query is looooong. Trim it any way possible. To begin: I like your first paragraph (except for "no less" in the parenthesis--cut that); it catches my interest. The second paragraph is a monster, though! Since you know your book best, only you can determine what needs to be cu...
by ahalaw
March 9th, 2010, 3:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: A BROKEN MIRROR -- new query
Replies: 15
Views: 2633

Re: A BROKEN MIRROR -- new query

I'm having a hard time identifying the story line. What's "A Broken Mirror" about? I also think you might be taking too much creative license with the letter--the fragments, writing in character. As jessicatudor said about the length, you're probably going to run into difficulty finding a home for t...
by ahalaw
March 9th, 2010, 2:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: Playing God
Replies: 8
Views: 1918

Re: QUERY: Playing God

I like your first line. It's short and catches our interest. The next line is long though. I would change it to "It’s bad enough that every civilization has countless conspiracy theories about the monuments his people have scattered throughout time--the pyramads, [some other mandmade structure]--but...
by ahalaw
March 9th, 2010, 9:05 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Science Fiction Query
Replies: 4
Views: 1048

Re: Science Fiction Query

Cole, When writing a query I always ask myself, "What's my story about?" While the propaganda poster teases the reader, it doesn't really capture the essence of your book. Try to condense your story into one sentence. I know that sounds next to impossible, especially given how complicated your world...
by ahalaw
March 9th, 2010, 8:39 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Black Hole Son (Draft #3)
Replies: 5
Views: 1132

Re: Black Hole Son (Draft #3)

I like how you grab the reader by stating Remy's situation immediately. You follow it up by juxtaposing another interesting situation with Ash. That being said, my reservation is that you haven't identified the title, genre, word count, etc., until the second to last paragraph. I've done this too in...