Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Thanks again for the input! I tried to focus the newer version more on Sam and Nat and the trial. Hopefully less extraneous detail, as some pointed out. Thanks!

Hey, interesting story line! I agree with the last poster, that I could use more detail though. I've read that a good query is usually between 250-350 words, and I think yours is less than 200 - so you have conceivably 150 more words to use! Anyway, a few thoughts.... I would dearly welcome your cri...

Here's a new version of my query pitch - with hopefully more clarity... When aliens invaded Earth six years ago, one of their first projects was to chose a few hundred teenagers for a foreign exchange program. Now nineteen-year-old Sam and his friends, after six years on the alien planet, are finall...

Thanks Roarshark! I see what you mean about the Spo - they are the aliens, and the aliens are sort of the government, but I need to clear that up a bit. I appreciate all your help.

I tend to write non-chronologically too, so I think I know where you're coming from. :-) Overall I think this is a good romantic scene, lots of smoldering detail and tension. I think it might be improved by some tense changes, and maybe picking some of your details a little more carefully, mostly av...

Critique please? I'm working on my second manuscript, (third revision) and I'm having trouble with the normal opening stuff. I want enough momentum to keep the reader engaged, enough grounding to give a sense of reality... but not too much exposition.... etc. Any thoughts welcome! Alien Academy, YA ...

Interesting intro! I think you have some good stuff here, but maybe a little overwriting. One time a friend gave me an edit just by cutting my page to about half the length, to show me that I could get the same image across in less words, and I found it really helpful. So, I tried to do a similar th...

Love the changes. I think this is much stronger and clearer. Good luck!

This is very interesting! ____________________ Dear Agent, Dee Lykos always follows the rules.  As a smuggler running illicit cargo through a demon-filled underworld, the rules keep her safe.  If the rules thing really describes your character, I think it could work with a little more detail. For in...

I love your premise, and the title! You've gotten a couple good line-by-line comments here, so just a couple thoughts... There were two pieces that stuck out to me: first, as AllieS said, her mother's death might be good to mention in the first paragraph, to set up her arc. Your voice in the first p...

I enjoyed your chapter! You definitely have a flare for using description to set tone and convey the characters' thoughts. I noted a couple places in particular (below) that I found particularly effective. I did notice a little bit of redundancy in a few places, and some awkward phrasing that I thin...

I enjoyed the beginning of your story. The character has her own voice, which I hear is so vital for first-person novels. The only thing that tripped me up is that I can't figure out whether her name is Anna, or Scarlett? First her mom calls her Anna, and the guy outside does too. But the pastor/pre...

I think your query is shaping up nicely, definitely easier to understand and more active and exciting. The only suggestion I would offer is not to re-use the names for the elves - Amrun'Quisser (sp?), etc. I think you should leave in the first mention of them, to give a feel for your world, and afte...

Ouch...yeah, okay. I see what you mean. Here's a different version. More comprehensible? Edited plot synopsis: After winning a scholarship to an elite boarding school, Dara finds out she is an unwilling candidate for the dangerous time travel experiments being run there. She starts to experience str...

Your query is definitely more polished than many I've seen. I'm interested in Elena's fate already. The only thing is that I don't hear much of the 'voice' of your story. I don't think you should change much, because your synopsis is really great, but the one sentence, "But it won't be easy,&qu...