Search found 15 matches

by KaylingR
March 29th, 2010, 2:02 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Sample Page, extra eyes needed
Replies: 32
Views: 4853

Re: Sample Page, extra eyes needed

Serzen- I thought the spare/bare shade sections were generally pretty powerful, although the use of 'you' in them confused me. I'd have a hard time getting not getting lost if these were supposed to be breaks in a second person book and would try to avoid that pronoun. Anyway, that's just my 2 cents...
by KaylingR
March 29th, 2010, 7:40 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Pseudopath Query (SF)
Replies: 7
Views: 1415

Re: Pseudopath Query (SF)

REVISED QUERY When caught in flagrante with another woman, Kei must choose between her memory and her life. Her lover opts for an easy death, but Kei is mind shorn. The ordeal reveals a despised talent-- pseudopathy. Unlike fellow psychics who broadcast every passing emotion, Kei can lie. How else ...
by KaylingR
March 15th, 2010, 10:07 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: CEDRIC (MG Fantasy)
Replies: 12
Views: 2521

Re: CEDRIC (MG Fantasy)

This is charming! I don't know anything about MG, but I would read this to my son.

-K.
by KaylingR
March 15th, 2010, 9:39 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Pseudopath Query (SF)
Replies: 7
Views: 1415

Re: Pseudopath Query (SF)

Thank you all so much for your feedback! In a workshop I took with the Query Shark she said the synopsis part should be 100 words. This is is 127, but I haven't been able to remove more. Queries here do run longer, and looking around it seems some agents are more indulgent, specially those that don'...
by KaylingR
March 14th, 2010, 4:31 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!
Replies: 24
Views: 3537

Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Found this after working on your query, which intrigued me. I really like this and would definitely keep reading. Nice tension, there's clearly a lot behind this match and I'm anxious to read more. I think it's a little overwritten and reads stronger with trimming, but that's your judgement call . ...
by KaylingR
March 14th, 2010, 3:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - First Try
Replies: 27
Views: 3784

Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - First Try

This stuff does take forever to get right. Here are my suggestions, take or leave them as you fancy. :) >>I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in Young Adult, and because you represent a few novels like “” and “” that I have read and enjoyed. If you're going to include this, I'd ...
by KaylingR
March 14th, 2010, 2:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Pseudopath Query (SF)
Replies: 7
Views: 1415

Pseudopath Query (SF)

Thanks so much for all the suggestions! I've given it another go. Scroll down for revised query. I'm hoping to start submitting in several weeks. Please be brutal. All advice welcome. :) Dear [agent], When caught in flagrante, Kei must choose between giving up her memory or her life. Her lover opts...
by KaylingR
March 14th, 2010, 12:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Speculative Fiction Query REVISED 3/14/10
Replies: 11
Views: 1976

Re: Speculative Fiction Query REVISED 3/14/10

This sounds like a fascinating book! I think your query is pretty close, but here are a couple of picky things I'd do. Take or ignore them as you please. :) Good luck! >>When a new technology [2] reveals that Val's foster daughter Casey is the reincarnation of America's deadliest homegrown terrorist...
by KaylingR
February 22nd, 2010, 9:09 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Echtra : Blood Magick - query letter!
Replies: 8
Views: 1523

Re: Echtra : Blood Magick - query letter!

Hey Wanda! If you're looking for more feedback, I'll do my best. Take what's of use and ignore the rest. :) I use examples because that's the way my brain works, but there just things I'm throwing out to illustrate what I'm saying. I don't mean that you should use them specifically. Determined to di...
by KaylingR
February 21st, 2010, 10:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Dark Influence - Adult Fiction
Replies: 7
Views: 1498

Re: Query: Dark Influence - Adult Fiction

Brian- this sounds like a real page turner! As always, take what's of use, and ignore the rest. Jesus is the Devil’s son. Tie this in a sentence with your protagonist and this is is your hook. Everything that comes before is backstory, which you correctly put in the past tense. You just don't have m...
by KaylingR
February 21st, 2010, 6:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: SPIRIT HILL - Revision #3
Replies: 37
Views: 5784

Re: QUERY: SPIRIT HILL - Literary

GG- This is lovely. I'll take a pass, but I'm being really nitpicky. Use anything that's of use, and ignore the rest. Thomas Kelman, eleven months, dies in his parents' isolated farm home I think Gus and Rebecca are the only characters you want to name. I'd just try 'In the spring of 1938, an eleven...
by KaylingR
February 21st, 2010, 6:07 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE CHANGELING, MG Fantasy
Replies: 5
Views: 1045

Re: Query: THE CHANGELING, MG Fantasy

JJ- I really like this, and I'm surprised you haven't gotten a nibble. How many are 'a few'? Definitely not too short. I'll put on my nit-pickiest hat to give you some feedback. Keep what's helpful and ignore the rest. :) I’ve recently completed my first novel. Your agency has a wonderful reputation...
by KaylingR
February 21st, 2010, 5:27 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Thicker Than Water
Replies: 9
Views: 1272

Re: Query: Thicker Than Water

Casnow- Congratulations on writing your first novel! :) If you can pull off 4 POV that is a literary feat and I think its important you realize you are doing something difficult and radical. Barbara Kingsolver did this succesfully in "The Poisonwood Bible," but that's the only book like that I can t...
by KaylingR
February 21st, 2010, 4:17 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Dragon
Replies: 37
Views: 5328

Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (YA-Fantasy)

Johydai- I am very impressed with your revision work. You are so close! Overall, I think you've got it, you just need to get this under 200 words. Below are my suggestions. Take those that seem useful and ignore the rest. :) new text (remove text) Most seventeen-year-old girls dream of (becoming a p...
by KaylingR
February 21st, 2010, 12:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for 'Hard Rock'- Commercial Fiction
Replies: 11
Views: 2315

Re: Query for 'Hard Rock'- Commercial Fiction

Austin- sounds like a good book. Honest comentary and nitpicks below in the hopes of making your query as strong as possible. Take what's useful, and ignore the rest as the idiosyncratic ticks of a neophyte who obviously doesn't know what she's talking about. ;) Smart-mouthed P.I. Guy Morgan doesn't...