Search found 50 matches
- April 15th, 2010, 6:39 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
- Replies: 14
- Views: 6095
Re: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
Would a semi-colon work for the "Like" sentence? Or maybe a comma? Despite the headaches, and the need to unravel his own mystery, he uses this gift to help people he encounters; like a demure farm girl in an abusive relationship, a black market "Robin Hood" pharmacy, and a spun...
- April 14th, 2010, 4:53 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
- Replies: 14
- Views: 6095
Re: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
Technically, the "Like" sentence isn't a sentence. It's a fragment so you probably want to change it. I don't see that you need to embellish about the agents. I don't think they are pivotal to your query. Obviously they are a part of the story, but they don't add to the query. Maybe add th...
- April 14th, 2010, 10:45 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Disobedient Chapter. Help edit please
- Replies: 9
- Views: 3833
Re: Disobedient Chapter. Help edit please
I'd echo the comments above. I can't picture where the action is taking place. Let's look at your first several lines: “AAUUUGGHHH!” I awoke with a start. The Charlie Brown imitation was coming from the corridor, followed by other various complaints. Down the hall, the washer clunked. I opened the d...
- April 11th, 2010, 9:51 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: New Manuscript - What do you think of this style?
- Replies: 14
- Views: 5626
Re: New Manuscript - What do you think of this style?
I agree with Stardog that this first section you've posted seems rushed. It was hard to get the scene established in my mind. I also agree with the others that you probably want an MC who is a little older if the tone of the story is dark like you say. Even 14 or 15 would probably be better. Just my...
- April 6th, 2010, 6:00 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy
- Replies: 8
- Views: 3742
Re: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy
Blinking did not make the darkness lighter. Reaching out, I felt the damp roughness of sandstone as little bits of earth flaked off. When I stepped forward the water around my bare legs lapped softly against the wall. The gentle sound faded into the darkness . My heart pounded uncomfortably, and a ...
- April 5th, 2010, 11:21 am
- Forum: Town Hall
- Topic: FORUM NEOPHYTE
- Replies: 14
- Views: 9167
Re: FORUM NEOPHYTE
There are some html "tags" buttons right above where you enter your text in your post. To change color, you select the text you want to have a different color, then click the "font colour" button and pick a color. Same goes for quoting, bolding, italics etc.
Hope that helps!
Hope that helps!
- April 3rd, 2010, 12:32 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query: Gilded Wings
- Replies: 25
- Views: 9492
Re: QUERY: FEATHERS (YA -Fantasy-Romance)
For seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers, finding her boyfriend Tristan chained to her driveway was not part of the plan. I've read this thread a few times and haven't commented, but since no one else has mentioned this, I thought I would: How in the world does someone get "chained to a driveway&...
- March 31st, 2010, 5:38 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Book of the Watchers-revised
- Replies: 9
- Views: 3297
Re: Book of the Watchers-query
I'll have a go, but these are just my opinions : ) When an ancient Native American curse that trapped a soulless sorceress in the Dream Realm resurfaces in modern-day small town Silver City, NM, 17 year-old SARA CHARLES finds her hollow life condemned to torturous dreams and a conscious existence in...
- March 30th, 2010, 9:54 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: First Page Revision? - SftOS
- Replies: 14
- Views: 4941
Re: First Page Revision? - SftOS
You have an excellent beginning here, but I have to say, I have no idea what
That aside. Good stuff.
means : )Sincerity. Four taps of the tongue, once around; simple and clean. It was the lesson my grandmother taught me when I got my first Gucci bag.
That aside. Good stuff.
- March 26th, 2010, 5:46 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: First 5 pages - MEETING OF THE WATERS
- Replies: 11
- Views: 4934
Re: First 5 pages - MEETING OF THE WATERS
Okay, that makes sense. I guess the thing that threw me with her not knowing was his statement about lying to her for two and a half years. I was assuming that he referred to the game so that's where I was coming from with it. As far as the other stuff, my vocabulary just increased by two. Ignorance...
- March 26th, 2010, 3:56 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: First 5 pages - MEETING OF THE WATERS
- Replies: 11
- Views: 4934
Re: First 5 pages - MEETING OF THE WATERS
I play computer games and WoW, but I'm unfamiliar with "leitmotif" and "loa" ... so I'm assuming a large portion of the potential audience isn't going to understand these terms either. Also, I'd find it hard to believe that his ex-girlfriend wouldn't know he played the game or wa...
- March 17th, 2010, 4:57 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query WARRIOR-MONKS
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5118
Re: Query WARRIOR-MONKS
The plot really starts when the MC arrives at the reform school.[/b] Here's the clue as to how to cut your novel and help your query at the same time. While the backstory may seem vital and interesting to you, my guess is that it isn't truly necessary to the story. Work some of the major highlights...
- March 10th, 2010, 6:20 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Speculative Fiction Query REVISED 3/14/10
- Replies: 11
- Views: 4393
Re: Speculative Fiction Query
Hey guys, I was hoping to get some feedback on my query. I've been working on it for a couple of weeks. If you get a chance, tell me what you think. Since I've reworked this several times, I'm concerned that I may have cut out important information. Also, am I being redundant in the first paragraph...
- March 5th, 2010, 4:47 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query: Crossing Fate (Contemporary YA)
- Replies: 2
- Views: 1517
Re: Query: Crossing Fate (Contemporary YA)
Congratulations! Best of luck to you!
- February 28th, 2010, 9:57 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query: The Aspen Prodigy (YA scifi) (revised)
- Replies: 5
- Views: 2692
Re: Query: The Aspen Prodigy (YA scifi)
Dara has an allergy problem – an allergy to the cutest guy at her new boarding school. Maybe she should have done the missionary thing with her parents after all, it couldn’t be worse! But despite the violent ‘no’ vote of her stomach, Dara is intrigued by John’s jubilant attitude. The father of a d...