Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Better. I must have missed the part about marrying Caufield before. That makes the rest of it much clearer. "Hiding" - yes. Changes at the end also work better. The first sentence or two still have my sleep addled brain a little twitchy, but that might be due more to forgetting to pick up ...

Good points, Mfreivald. Dove tails with a lot of what OHJ was saying... I must be on the right track, since everyone seems to be agreeing with the general problems!

lol!

OHJ and a3writer both seem to hit upon the bi points, Sierra - and OHJ, sorry I made that reference about your book, it's just how the query sounded to me. Christian Fantasy conjures images of more overt Christian Themes, which I really didn't get in this query. I think you might be better served to...

Good points, Junkie. Was considering some of that myself before posting it up - think this is query revision number 50, and still not thrilled with it. I keep looking at that center piece and cringing now that I'm looking at it again. Ok... guess I'll see what others have to say and maybe a solution...

Rory Balenford was a roguish young thief who was never sure of his place in the world till he picked the wrong pocket and got drafted. Twelve years later, he’s a young captain in the Ducal Guard of the Griffin Lords. When an ancient relic the ruling family has been guarding for a thousand years is s...

I think it's that last half of the third paragraph after this is really a freaking long book that's killing this. The rest is tweakable. But, that part invokes universal hate.

Hmm... Really good comments. Thanks. I guess the question here is how much should be implied, how much should tease, and yes, there are some very long sentences and it smacks its head on the upper boundary on the word count. Unfortunately, not much more I can shave out. Great comments though. Very u...

The Chaos Lord’s war against the Ancients ended in betrayal and the relics of their dark reign scattered and hidden away to be forgotten by the world of men. Ten thousand years later one such relic entrusted to the keeping of the Griffin Lords has been stolen, awakening an ancient dread. To honor th...

I understand Wallflower's point, since my own inclination when I am critiquing someone else's work is not not pussyfoot around and get right to the point, Ink. The flipside of that, Wallflower, is that I've found my critiques are listened to more when I take a step back from beating them over the he...

Bluntness does not require rudeness or being impolite. You can say a sentence should be reworded without insulting its author. I'm glad you weren't offended; maybe I'm naive to think that Wallflower was being perhaps a bit rough; I don't know. I was always taught to point out things someone does ri...

It's ok, Jessica. I don't judge critiques unless they are way beyond the pale, and Wallflower might have a point, might not. Bring them in, look at them, thinking about them, see what is common to all and then figure my questions if I have any, and then rewrite. Besides, i'm notoriously blunt myself.

When it was taught to me it was referred to more as an exercise in building off the idea as part of a pitch. So, the One sentence description is that strong one line description. Three sentences takes the idea of the One sentence, replacing it, till you write a paragraph or two that captures your st...

For generations the Griffin Lords of Galenburg have guarded a secret. For generations they have dreaded the world discovering it. When unthinkable happens and their sinister patron reminds them of their debt, they are forced to turn to their one time street rat and now most disreputable of lieutenan...

I am querying because of {REASON}. I think Black Hole Son would be a good match for your interests. Remy wakes up on a park bench. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there, but he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, unbidden visions flash throug...