Search found 5 matches

by astrogirl
March 11th, 2010, 11:35 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Aussie needs international feedback
Replies: 28
Views: 5630

Re: Query: Aussie needs international feedback

Your three descriptive paras now sound very tight and interesting. Each one suggets potentially great story hooks.

One question though, which maybe others can answer. Do you need to specify a genre, especially for 98,000 words?
by astrogirl
February 25th, 2010, 11:33 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Aussie needs international feedback
Replies: 28
Views: 5630

Re: Query: Aussie needs international feedback

Version 5 lays out a lot more about the plot - or what I assume to be the plot. The earlier versions seemed more teasing, perhaps too subtle.

Like the "right brain" quip a lot.

I reckon your query could now be sent out to a handful of agents to test the water. Best of luck.
by astrogirl
February 23rd, 2010, 12:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Aussie needs international feedback
Replies: 28
Views: 5630

Re: Query: Aussie needs international feedback

Version 4 reads stronger.

However I wonder if Ella's "power and pain" are the strongest hooks, so maybe they should be mentioned earlier.

What do others think?
by astrogirl
February 15th, 2010, 11:34 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Opening page of my YA Steampunk novel
Replies: 15
Views: 4311

Re: Opening page of my YA Steampunk novel

Overall the writing style is staccato - short sentences.

Paragraphs so short they often contain just one sentence.

Therefore the commas, to me, fit.

If you get my drift.
by astrogirl
February 15th, 2010, 4:59 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Aussie needs international feedback
Replies: 28
Views: 5630

Re: Query: Aussie needs international feedback

Altho I like the overall impression, the opening sentence/paragraph is 'packing them in' but maybe 2 much. Personas and pretence are just the tip of the iceberg as modern, adult attitudes and activities crash into each other in unexpected ways after teenage experiences - both terrific and terrible -...