SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within 2nd Draft

[oldhousejunkie]

09/01: Second draft below.

Everyone was so helpful over on the query page that I thought I would continue the madness by drafting a synopsis. It's a mess, I tell you. It comes in at just over four pages, double spaced. What amazes me is that I drafted a one page synopsis a few months agao, and now I can't find it! If I deleted it, I really should go ahead and off myself. *Sigh.*

Here's the fish food, release the piranhas!

Julienne Dalton is nineteen in the summer of 1862. It is the summer that sees her whole life turned upside down when her twin brother goes missing after the battle of Shiloh, and her father is murdered by Union soldiers.

Left an orphan, her family’s horse farm in ruins, Julienne lives for the day that she can seek revenge for her father’s death. A chance comes her way when she overhears two Union soldiers boasting about an upcoming battle. Julienne knows who to take the information to, but little does she expect to be commissioned as a spy for a ring of Confederate informants bent on ousting Union forces from Kentucky. Disguising herself as a man called Julian Landry, she eagerly cheats death to gather information that will help secure the Confederacy’s position. While her daring escapades soothe her heart for vengeance, she secretly hopes to fulfill the promise she made to her dying father—restore Brookfield, the family’s horse farm.

After escaping a Union prison cell, Julienne’s alias comes to the attention of the Union Secret Service. A recently disinherited British ex-pat named Alexander Caulfield is hired to track down the notorious spy. Little is known about his target, but Caulfield makes his way to Frankfort, hoping that the spy uses the city as his hide-out. Instead he finds Julienne Dalton, a tragic, but intriguing young woman who has lost everything because of the war. Raised as the son of a wealthy aristocrat, Alex has never encountered someone like Julienne. She is a bluestocking, as well educated as any man. She bests him at chess matches and rides horses like she was born to it. Alex soon finds himself in love, and proposing marriage.
Julienne has known her fair share of heartache, but she accepts Alex’s proposal, hoping that she might have a little happiness after losing everyone she has ever loved. She never mentions her secret activities, and when she is informed by her contacts that Alex has been sent to capture her, she is heartbroken.

Determined to the leave the country and her traitorous husband, Julienne disappears. While traveling through her husband’s homeland, she is shocked to learn that she is pregnant. Discouraged from continuing her journey, Julienne settles in a small English village, pretending to be a widow.

After weeks of indulging in a drunken stupor following Julienne’s disappearance, Alex meets with his contacts at the Secret Service. He is stunned and angered when they reveal Julian Landry’s real identity. Feeling betrayed and persuaded that Julienne never loved him, Alex takes on a new assignment—acting as a secret courier for Union forces. Months pass, and as the war comes to a close, Alex decides to search for his missing wife. When he turns up nothing but dead ends, his father’s entreaties for reconciliation lead him to return to England. Convinced that he will never find Julienne, Alex consents to an arranged marriage.

Living in England proves easier than Julienne thought. As she makes plans to re-build her family’s breeding stock, Julienne makes the acquaintance of Lord Richard Ashby. His scandalous past is bandied about in the village, but Julienne disregards it, happy to have a friend. However, his intentions transcend friendship, and when Richard proposes marriage, Julienne is torn. She now has a son to provide for, and her fears of discovery are ever present. After confessing her past to Richard, he stands by her side, but does not tell her that Alex is the son of Lord Winters, the largest landholder in the county. Julienne accepts his proposal and prepares to petition for an annulment from Alex.

Richard is fearful of losing Julienne, and so he makes it clear to his acquaintances that Julienne’s son is actually his own. Rumors abound in the village, much to Julienne’s dismay and Richard’s delight. He knows now that should Alex return to the village, the baby’s parentage will be questioned.

When Alex does return to his father’s estates, a grand ball is planned to announce his betrothal. Julienne and Richard attend as a couple, and when Alex spots them in the crowd, he is shocked. When he finds out his wife is now engaged to another man, he is furious and threatens Julienne with divorce. She does not contest him in hopes that he will not find out about their son and seek to take him from her.

But Alex soon discovers the child, and it is clear that he is the father. He secretly meets with Julienne, and after confessing all to each other, they decide that they want to reconcile. Alex leaves to break off his engagement, and Julienne waits to confront Richard. But he has already been informed of her intentions, and when he discovers that Julienne has been with her husband, he is incensed. Resolved to have Julienne no matter what, he attempts to rape her, only to be interrupted by Alex. Richard calmly turns around and shoots his rival. Julienne breaks away and retrieving a gun from her wardrobe, she kills Richard. On his dying breath, he tells her that he really did love her. Traumatized by what she has done, she drops the gun, and sinks to the floor. She hears a dragging noise in the hall, and looks up to find Alex, bloodsoaked and out of breath, standing in the doorway. They stare at each in despair and relief.

An inquest follows, and due to Alex’s father being a powerful politician, the murder is ruled self-defense. Julienne, traumatized by the events is released, and promptly returns to America after ascertaining that Alex lives.
Alex’s father gleefully tells him that his wife has abandoned him again. Trapped in bed, recuperating from his wounds, Alex has to endure his father’s threats and bullying. Weeks pass, and as his father demands that Alex pursue a divorce, Alex determines that he will not be separated from Julienne again. He breaks with his father one final time and leaves England once he has fully healed.

Months have past, and Julienne is back in Frankfort with her son. Living permanently at Brookfield, she spends her days with the horses, and has begun to see the family’s reputation restored.
One day while she is training one of her horses, a rider appears in the distance. Julienne walks out to meet the rider, and when she sees him, she comments that he is riding a fine horse. The rider is Alex and he replies that he purchased the horse in Frankfort, and that is from one of the finest farms in Kentucky. He offers her a hand, and she joins him in the saddle, happy that they are together again.

That has to be the sappiest ending...so after reading all of that...would you prefer to have a cliff hanger? As it stands, the story stops after Julienne kills Richard. Alex manages to drag his blod soaked self into the room after the shots are fired, and the ending line is just them starting at each other. My husband's in favor of this ending. I don't know if I should stick to it or not. *Heaves another sigh*

Any help is appreciated! :-)

[JadePhoenix]

This is a really good synopsis but it seems like it gets away just a bit at the end, and it definitely does need to be trimmed down. Overall though good job! :)

Everyone was so helpful over on the query page that I thought I would continue the madness by drafting a synopsis. It's a mess, I tell you. It comes in at just over four pages, double spaced. What amazes me is that I drafted a one page synopsis a few months agao, and now I can't find it! If I deleted it, I really should go ahead and off myself. *Sigh.*

Here's the fish food, release the piranhas!

Julienne Dalton is nineteen in the summer of 1862. It is the summer that sees her whole life turned upside down when her twin brother goes missing after the battle of Shiloh, and her father is murdered by Union soldiersYou might be able to condense these two sentences into one, maybe.

Left an orphan, her family’s horse farm in ruins, Julienne lives for the day that she can seek revenge for her father’s death"lives for the day she can seek vengeance". Only cuts out a few words but, when you're trying to trim, every little bit helps!. A chance comes her way when she overhears two Union soldiers boasting about an upcoming battle. Julienne knows who to take the information to, but little does she expect to be commissioned as a spy for a ring of Confederate informants bent on ousting Union forces from Kentucky. Disguising herself as a man called Julian Landry, she eagerly cheats death twho does she take the information to and how does she know? You give a lot of detail in the synopsis but right here it just kind of glosses right on overo gather information that will help secure the Confederacy’s position. While her daring escapades soothe her heart for vengeance, she secretly hopes to fulfill the promise she made to her dying father—restore Brookfield, the family’s horse farm.

After escaping a Union prison cell, Julienne’s alias comes to the attention of the Union Secret Service. A recently disinherited British ex-pat named Alexander Caulfield is hired to track down the notorious spy. Little is known about his targethow is little known when she was in prison? Not only that, but how did she get captured in the first place? Shouldn't they at least know she's a woman and what she looks like?, but Caulfield makes his way to Frankfort, hoping that the spy uses the city as his hide-outwhy does he think this?. Instead he finds Julienne Dalton, a tragic, but intriguing young woman who has lost everything because of the war. Raised as the son of a wealthy aristocrat, Alex has never encountered someone like Julienne. She is a bluestocking, as well educated as any man. She bests him at chess matches and rides horses like she was born to it. Alex soon finds himself in love, and proposing marriage.
Julienne has known her fair share of heartachewe already know this so you don't need to state it again. :), but she accepts Alex’s proposal, hoping that she might have a little happiness after losing everyone she has ever lovedrepetitive - you could just say, "Julienne accepts Alex's proposal in the hopes of finally finding a little happiness".. She never mentions her secret activities, and when she is informed by her contacts that Alex has been sent to capture herwhy'd it take them so long to let her know?, she is heartbroken.

Determined to the leave the country and her traitorous husband, Julienne disappears. While traveling through her husband’s homeland, she is shocked to learn that she is pregnant. Discouraged from continuing her journey, Julienne settles in a small English village, pretending to be a widow.

After weeks of indulging in a drunken stupor following Julienne’s disappearance, Alex meets with his contacts at the Secret Service. He is stunned and angered when they reveal Julian Landry’s real identityHow is it they sent him after her, after she broke out of prison, without telling him her name or description?. Feeling betrayed and persuaded that Julienne never loved him, Alex takes on a new assignment—acting as a secret courier for Union forces. Months pass, and as the war comes to a close, Alex decides to search for his missing wifewhy? He didn't care before - what changed?. When he turns up nothing but dead ends, his father’s entreaties for reconciliation lead him to return to England. Convinced that he will never find Julienne, Alex consents to an arranged marriage.

Living in England proves easier than Julienne thought. As she makes plans to re-build her family’s breeding stock, Julienne makes the acquaintance of Lord Richard Ashby. His scandalous past is bandied about in the village, but Julienne disregards it, happy to have a friend. However, his intentions transcend friendship, and when Richard proposes marriage, Julienne is torn. She now has a son to provide for, and her fears of discovery are ever present. After confessing her past to Richard, he stands by her side, but does not tell her that Alex is the son of Lord Winters, the largest landholder in the countythis is really, REALLY convenient. She's got all of Europe and just so happens to settle there?. Julienne accepts his proposal and prepares to petition for an annulment from Alex.

Richard is fearful of losing Julienne, and so he makes it clear to his acquaintances that Julienne’s son is actually his own. Rumors abound in the village, much to Julienne’s dismay and Richard’s delight. He knows now that should Alex return to the village, the baby’s parentage will be questionedyou could really cut out everything here but the fact that Richard claims parentage of the baby.

When Alex does return to his father’s estates, a grand ball is planned to announce his betrothal. Julienne and Richard attend as a couple, and when Alex spots them in the crowd, he is shocked. When he finds out his wife is now engaged to another man, he is furious and threatens Julienne with divorceHe's at a ball for his OWN engagement and he's mad that SHE'S engaged? Kind of hypocritical of him! It's also rather amusing that he's at a ball for his engagement threatening to divorce his wife - kind of a given under the circumstances. :). She does not contest him in hopes that he will not find out about their son and seek to take him from her"from her" is implied so you can end it with "...take him". Cutting out extraneous words like that will help in trimming down your synopsis.

But Alex soon discovers the child, and it is clear that he is the fatherhow so?. He secretly meets with Julienne, and after confessing all to each other, they decide that they want to reconcile. Alex leaves to break off his engagement, and Julienne waits to confront Richard. But he has already been informed of her intentions, and when he discovers that Julienne has been with her husband, he is incensed. Resolved to have Julienne no matter what, he attempts to rape herthis is kind of weird - he was never a nice guy? Nice guys don't normally try to rape people, only to be interrupted by Alex. Richard calmly turns around and shoots his rival. Julienne breaks away and retrieving a gun from her wardrobe, she kills Richard. On his dying breath, he tells her that he really did love herthis is all very awkward - he loves her, but tried to rape her, but oh, wait, he really DID love her, but he tried to rape her. He's either a jerk or he isn't, so maybe clear that up a little bit. Also, it's confusing that Julienne "kills him" but in the next sentence he's talking to her and then the sentence "Richard calmly turns around and shoot his rival" seems odd. How'd he go from so angry he's trying to rape his fiance to so calm that he just turns around and shoots Alex?. Traumatized by what she has done, she drops the gun, and sinks to the floor. She hears a dragging noise in the hall, and looks up to find Alex, bloodsoaked and out of breath, standing in the doorwaywait, he got shot in the hallway? Was Richard trying to rape her in the hallway? It sounds like he was attacking her in a room, Alex came in, got shot and somehow fell out of the room, around the doorframe into the hallway, stayed there just long enough for Richard to die, then dragged himself back around and popped to his feet. They stare at each in despair and relief.

An inquest follows, and due to Alex’s father being a powerful politician, the murder is ruled self-defensewasn't it ACTUAL self-defense without the need for the father's political power though?. Julienne, traumatized by the eventsyou said that already is released, and promptly returns to America after ascertaining that Alex lives "that Alex will be all right" or something like that. Otherwise it sounds simply like "that Alex lived through being shot" which we already know..
Alex’s father gleefully tells him that his wife has abandoned him againwhy is he such a jerk and why does he seem to have multiple personalities? He breaks with Alex, wants to reconcile, throws him a party, protects him from a murder rap, then turns into a psychopath who emotionally and psychologically abuses his son?. Trapped in bed, recuperating from his wounds, Alex has to endure his father’s threats and bullyingyou could cut this sentence and it'd still make sense. Weeks pass, and as his father demands that Alex pursue a divorce, Alex determines that he will not be separated from Julienne again. He breaks with his father one final time and leaves England once he has fully healedwhat about his fiance?.

Months have pastpassed, and Julienne is back in Frankfort with her son. Living permanently at Brookfield, she spends her days with the horsesyou kind of dropped this thread and then picked it back up again, so maybe tie it in more when she got horses and brought them back, and has begun to see the family’s reputation restored.
One day while she is training one of her horses, a rider appears in the distance. Julienne walks out to meet the rider, and when she sees him, she comments that he is riding a fine horseBoth of these sentences kind of constitute a run on thought if that makes sense - "Julienne is training a horse and sees a rider and walks out to the rider and sees the rider and says he has a nice horse". You could condense that to "One day while training horses, Julienne sees a rider and compliments him on the quality of his horse" (something like that anyway). "To her shock the rider is revealed to be Alex...". The rider is Alex and he replies that he purchased the horse in Frankfort, and that is from one of the finest farms in Kentuckywhat does the horse have to do with anything? It's odd because here they are in this grand "Gone with the Wind' style meeting/reconciliation and the synopsis is talking about a random horse? I have this image now of Rhett Butler saying, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. Oh, by the way, let me tell you about this horse I just bought". :) One other thing - how does she not recognize him? Is he wearing a mask?. He offers her a hand, and she joins him in the saddle, happy that they are together again.

That has to be the sappiest ending...so after reading all of that...would you prefer to have a cliff hanger? As it stands, the story stops after Julienne kills Richard. Alex manages to drag his blod soaked self into the room after the shots are fired, and the ending line is just them starting at each other. My husband's in favor of this ending. I don't know if I should stick to it or not. *Heaves another sigh*

Any help is appreciated! :-)

Ah, I see now why the ending seems a little off - it's not one you've actually written. Yes, I think you should definitely end it with something other than them staring at each other - that feels WAY to unfinished. You don't have to take it out this far - you could start another chapter that picks up months later and establish she's back and doing the horse thing, leaving the reader wondering "what happened to Alex?" Then the rider appears, she walks out to greet him, it's Alex! Yay! He says something about how he's so happy he came back with her/broke off with his dad/blah, blah, blah.....something like that. That way it's still a nice impactful ending and a happy one. If I read a big, long book that ended with them staring at each other - no word on what would happen regarding charges or their relationship, I would not be a happy reader! Anyhoo, good job on the synopsis, and good luck! :)

[oldhousejunkie]

Thanks JadePhoenix! Your comments were the focus I needed. My brain was on overload, but I felt like I needed to get it out there. I definitely liked your ending better. :-)

[JadePhoenix]

You're welcome! I was actually thinking of the last scene of "Gone With the Wind" when she's leaning against the tree looking at the ruins of the plantation she plans to rebuild and I thought "wouldn't it be cool if Rhett rode up on a horse right then?" Anyhoo, I'm glad I was able to be of help! :)

[oldhousejunkie]

Ok, here is the revised version. I got it down to three pages, double spaced. I hope it clears up some confusion. I think it flows better (now that my brain is working a little better today)... Comments are appreciated as always!


Julienne Dalton is nineteen in the summer of 1862 when her twin brother goes missing after the battle of Shiloh, and her father is murdered by Union soldiers. Left an orphan and living with her friend Augusta Hunsford in Frankfort, Kentucky, Julienne wants to exact revenge for her father’s death. A chance comes her way when she overhears two Union soldiers boasting about an upcoming battle. Julienne takes the information to Charles Jamison, a shopkeeper and Confederate sympathizer with rumoured ties to a group of informants bent on advancing the Rebels’ cause.

Sensing that Julienne could be of use to them, Jamison asks her to deliver supplies to a nearby Union encampment. Her mission is to gather information on the Union munitions. Disguising herself as a man, Julienne ventures out to the camp and returns with the valuable information, but not without incident. Thus proving herself, Julienne begins spying for the ring, creating a male alias that consistently eludes capture. And while her daring escapades soothe her heart for vengeance, she secretly hopes to fulfil the promise she made to her dying father—restore the family’s horse farm that was ruined by Union forces.

After a particularly daring mission, Julienne’s alias, known only as Julian Landry, comes to the attention of the Union Secret Service. A recently disinherited British ex-pat named Alexander Caulfield is hired to track down the notorious spy. Little is known about his target, beyond that the spy recently escaped from a union prison after participating in Morgan's Raid on Northern Kentucky. Using a record of enlistment for Landry, Caulfield makes his way to Frankfort, hoping that the spy is hiding amongst the citizens in the Union-held city. Instead he finds Julienne Dalton, a tragic, but intriguing young woman. Raised as the son of a wealthy aristocrat, Alex has never encountered a woman like her. She is as well educated as any man, bests him at chess matches, and rides a horse like she was born to it. Alex soon finds himself in love, and proposing marriage.

Julienne accepts Alex’s proposal, hoping that she might have a little happiness. She never mentions her secret activities, and when intel is received regarding Alex’s true purpose in Frankfort, she is heartbroken. Determined to the leave the country and her traitorous husband, Julienne disappears. While travelling through her husband’s homeland, she is shocked to learn that she is pregnant. Discouraged from continuing her journey, Julienne settles in a small English village, pretending to be a widow.

After weeks of indulging in a drunken stupor following Julienne’s disappearance, Alex meets with his contacts at the Secret Service. He is stunned and angered when they reveal that a Confederate turn-coat has come forward, claiming that Julian Landry is really Julienne. Feeling betrayed and persuaded that she never loved him, Alex takes on a new assignment—acting as a secret courier for Union forces. Months pass, and as the war comes to a close, Alex finds that he has not stopped loving his wife. He searches for her for weeks, but turns up nothing but dead ends. Urgent telegrams from his father demand his return to the family’s estate, and convinced that he will never find Julienne, Alex departs for England.

Living in England proves easier than Julienne thought. As she makes plans to re-build her family’s breeding stock, Julienne makes the acquaintance of Lord Richard Ashby. His scandalous past is bandied about in the village, but Julienne disregards it, happy to have a friend. However, his intentions transcend friendship, and when Richard proposes marriage, Julienne is torn. She now has a son to provide for, and her fears of discovery are ever present, but she is convinced that she could never love Richard. After confessing her past to him, he stands by her side, but does not tell her that Alex is really a viscount, and heir to an estate in the adjacent county. Julienne accepts his proposal and prepares to petition for an annulment from Alex.

Richard is fearful of losing Julienne, just as he lost his first love years before. Resentful over the fact that she loves another, he falsely claims to be the father of Julienne’s son, hoping that her supposed adultery will curtail a reunion with Alex. And when Alex does return to his father’s estates, he is badgered into an arranged marriage. A grand ball is planned to announce his betrothal, and Julienne and Richard are among the guests. Alex spots them in the crowd, and he is shocked to find his missing wife living so close to his home. But he discovers that Julienne is engaged to Richard, and that she may already be his mistress. Furious with her over this second betrayal, Alex threatens Julienne with divorce. She does not contest him in hopes that he will not find out about their son and seek to take him.

During a crowded market day fair, Alex spots Julienne and her son. The toddler resembles him, and he can no longer question the child’s parentage. He secretly meets with Julienne, and after confessing all to each other, they decide to reconcile. Alex leaves to break off his engagement, but not without promising to return that evening. He is seen leaving the house, and a well-meaning servant reports to Richard. Incensed beyond sanity that Julienne spent the night with another man, he goes to her. When she attempts to break off their engagement, he resolves to have her, even if by nefarious means.

Pushing her to the floor, Richard pulls at Julienne’s clothes, intent on consummating their relationship. He is stopped by Alex, who has returned early. Richard stands to his feet, withdraws a pistol, and shoots his rival. Alex slumps to the floor, unable to intervene, and Richard drags Julienne up the stairs to her bedroom. She manages to break away, and retrieving her own gun from the wardrobe, she fires at Richard. He falls to the floor, mortally wounded. On his dying breath, he is apologetic and brokenly explains that he could not lose her. Traumatized by what she has done, she drops the gun, and sinks to the floor. Sobs are choking her, but through the noise of her despair, she hears a dragging noise in the hall. She looks up to find Alex, blood soaked and out of breath, grasping at the door frame.

Weeks later, Julienne is back in Frankfort, living permanently at Brookfield, her family’s farm. After having shipped her horses from England, she has been over seeing their training. After spending the day in the stables, she starts up to what was the ruin of her family’s house. The fire blackened walls have been torn down, and new framing is rising up. The sound of hammers can be heard, and as she draws closer, she encounters a man standing in the yard. It is Alex, leaning on a walking stick, watching the workers progress with the building. Julienne stops beside him but says nothing. Alex tells her that he received word from his father today. The letter is filled with vitriol, and says that he has named Alex’s nephew the heir to his fortune. Julienne asks him if he regrets coming back with her. In response, Alex pulls her close, and they walk away.

I hope the ending was more satisfactory. Thanks to JadePhoenix for the idea!

[Quill]

Julienne Dalton is nineteen in the summer of 1862 when her twin brother goes missing after the battle of Shiloh, and her father is murdered by Union soldiers.

Good.

Left an orphan

How about "orphaned" or just "An orphan now"?

and living with her friend Augusta Hunsford in Frankfort, Kentucky,

Omit "with her friend Augusta Hunsford" as unneeded.

Julienne wants to exact revenge for her father’s death.

How about "vows" instead of "wants"?

A chance comes her way when she overhears two Union soldiers

Omit "her way".

boasting about an upcoming battle.

"boasting" seems an odd word here, like gloating about the future. How do they know how it will turn out?

Julienne takes the information to Charles Jamison, a shopkeeper and Confederate sympathizer

Again, do we need the name? I don't think so.

How about "known Confederate sympathizer"

with rumoured ties to a group of informants bent on advancing the Rebels’ cause.

How about "rumored to have ties to a group bent on advancing the Rebel cause"? Streamline it.

Sensing that Julienne could be of use to them, Jamison asks her to deliver supplies to a nearby Union encampment.

Good.

Her mission is to gather information on the Union munitions.

How about "and while there, gather information on the munitions." You've already said it was Union.

Disguising herself as a man, Julienne ventures out to the camp

Omit "to the camp".

and returns with the valuable information,

How about "returns with valuable figures" or "valuable accounts" or some such, since you've already used "info".

but not without incident.

This doesn't add to the story. Possibly: "despite it being a close call" or some such. Or omit completely.

Thus proving herself, Julienne begins spying for the ring, creating a male alias

How about "continuing her male alias" since she's already created it.

that consistently eludes capture.

"who consistently eludes capture."

And while her daring escapades soothe her heart for vengeance, she secretly hopes to fulfil

Typo: fulfill

Omit "daring" either here or in the next sentence. Preferably here.

the promise she made to her dying father—restore the family’s horse farm that was ruined by Union forces.

"to restore the family's horse farm,"

Omit "that":

", ruined by Union forces."

After a particularly daring mission, Julienne’s alias, known only as Julian Landry, comes to the attention of the Union Secret Service.

Since you've already used "alias" let's be careful. Maybe a clause shift to de-emphasize the word (and heighten the drama):

"After a particularly daring mission, Julian Landy -- Julienne’s alias -- comes to the attention of the Union Secret Service."

A recently disinherited British ex-pat named Alexander Caulfield is hired to track down the notorious spy.

Omit "recently" as non-crucial and being one too many qualifiers ahead of the name

Omit "A" as unneeded.

Clarify "ex-pat" by spelling out what "pat" means.

Omit "named" as unneeded once "A" is gone.

Little is known about his target, beyond that the spy recently escaped from a union prison after participating in Morgan's Raid on Northern Kentucky. Using a record of enlistment for Landry,

Omit.

For your long synopsis you can probably work this in, if you wish to, but it has some rough spots. It's a bit of an odd way to introduce her prison stint and Morgan and his Raid. It also repeats Kentucky. And there's some confusion around "record of enlistment: do spies have records of enlistment? Has she enlisted in the army for this raid?

Caulfield makes his way to Frankfort, hoping that the spy is hiding amongst the citizens in the Union-held city.

How about "sensing" instead of "hoping"?

Instead

Omit.

he finds Julienne Dalton, a tragic, but intriguing young woman.

Raised as the son of a wealthy aristocrat,

Omit, as not needed, or rewrite or re-locate in the sentence, so that it doesn't confuse the reader. As written it could sound like Julienne is an intriguing young woman who was raised as the son of a wealthy aristocrat. (Hey, she was raised on a swank horse farm and plays a guy in this spy ring...)

Alex has never encountered a woman like her. She is as well educated as any man, bests him at chess matches, and rides a horse like she was born to it.

Omit "matches".

Seek a stronger metaphor for how she rides a horse than "like she was born to it."

Alex soon finds himself in love, and proposing marriage.

Julienne accepts Alex’s proposal, hoping that she might have a little happiness.

How about "gain" instead of "have"?

She never mentions her secret activities,

How about "she doesn't speak of her secret activities"

and when intel is received

"Intel" is too modern. How about "word" or "a notice" or "a message"?

Also, "Intel is received" is both passive and vague. Who receives this, who sends it?

regarding Alex’s true purpose in Frankfort, she is heartbroken.

Unclear. Is she married yet??

Also, "she is heartbroken" sounds passive, too. How about "She receives the message from her contact that breaks her heart: Alex is a government agent." Or some such.

Determined to the leave the country and her traitorous husband,

Omit. Being determined is not active. She needs to simply leave. And "traitorous husband" is already clear and doesn't need to be stated.

Julienne disappears. While travelling through her husband’s homeland,

Why not have her just embark on her voyage, rather than disappear?

Typo: traveling.

"through her husband's homeland" is too indirect. Say England, and don't reference the cad. Also, reserve "homeland" for her beloved home.

she is shocked to learn that she is pregnant. Discouraged from continuing her journey,

Unclear. Discouraged why? Because she is pregnant? Discouraged by someone? Who?

Julienne settles in a small English village, pretending to be a widow.

Good.

After weeks of indulging in a drunken stupor following Julienne’s disappearance,

How about "weeks in a drunken stupor" to lose the weak word "indulging"?

How about "Julienne's departure" instead of her "disappearance"?

Alex meets with his contacts at the Secret Service. He is stunned and angered when they reveal that a Confederate turn-coat has come forward, claiming that Julian Landry is really Julienne.

Wordy. How about "After weeks in a drunken stupor following J's departure, A learns from his superiors that a Confederate turncoat [one word] has revealed that Julian Landry is really J"?

Feeling betrayed and persuaded that she never loved him, Alex takes on a new assignment

How about "Stunned and angered, Alex decides she never loved him, and plunges himself into a new assignment."

—acting as a secret courier for Union forces.

Omit as not needed.

Months pass, and as the war comes to a close, Alex finds that he has not stopped loving his wife.

How about "Months pass. The war comes to a close, and Alex finds he has not stopped loving his wife"?

He searches for her for weeks, but turns up nothing but dead ends.

Omit "for weeks" and "but dead ends".

Urgent telegrams from his father demand his return to the family’s estate, and convinced that he will never find Julienne, Alex departs for England.

How about "Meanwhile, urgent telegrams from his father demand his return to the family estate. Convince he will never find Julienne, Alex departs for England."?

You might notice that among other things, I am deleting "that" sometimes.

Living in England proves easier than Julienne thought. As she makes plans to re-build her family’s breeding stock, Julienne makes the acquaintance of Lord Richard Ashby.

How about "Making plans" instead of "As she makes plans"?

Typo: rebuild.

His scandalous past is bandied about in the village, but Julienne disregards it, happy to have a friend. However, his intentions transcend friendship, and when Richard proposes marriage, Julienne is torn.

"His scandalous past is bandied" is passive. Any way to say she hears of it, or someone says it rather than it simply "is bandied"?

---------------------

More later.

[JadePhoenix]

This is WAY improved!! I only noticed a few tiny things that might help if you wanted to trim it down some more.

Also, I noticed two things that raised questions.
One - if I understand correctly from the synopsis, her twin's name was Julian Landry, she takes that name/persona as her alias, Alex tracks her by finding enlistment papers for Julian (her brother) and mistaking them for her? That's a cool idea, but it's not entirely clear and I had to read a few times to get it. The easiest way to fix it is just name her brother at the beginning - "her twin brother, Julian, went missing".

Second- I'm a bit confused with the timing of things. She's far enough along to know she's pregnant (meaning at least two to three months) but is able to settle and befriend Richard fast enough that he can logically claim it as his own. Did he claim the baby was premature? Also, months pass before Alex decides he wants to find her, and then a few more weeks before he goes home, but when he sees the child it's a toddler suggesting years have passed. So maybe make that clearer.

Other than that I didn't see anything wrong. It's a REALLY strong plot and very strong characters - I love Alex! I don't know if anyone else might have something to point out, but this is all I see so excellent job on the revisions and good luck! :)

Ok, here is the revised version. I got it down to three pages, double spaced. I hope it clears up some confusion. I think it flows better (now that my brain is working a little better today)... Comments are appreciated as always!


Julienne Dalton is nineteen in the summer of 1862 when her twin brother goes missing after the battle of Shiloh, and her father is murdered by Union soldiers. Left an orphan and living with her friend Augusta Hunsford in Frankfort, Kentucky, Julienne wants to exact revenge for her father’s deathyou could just say "left an orphan and living with a friend in Kentucky" if you wanted to trim a bit. A chance comes her way when she overhears two Union soldiers boasting about an upcoming battle. Julienne takes the information to Charles Jamison, a shopkeeper and Confederate sympathizer with rumoured ties to a group of informants bent on advancing the Rebels’ cause.

Sensing that Julienne could be of use to them, Jamison asks her to deliver supplies to a nearby Union encampment. Her mission is to gather information on the Union munitionsthese two sentences could be combined if you wanted. Disguising herself as a man, Julienne ventures out to the camp and returns with the valuable information, but not without incidentif you're not going to tell us what the incident is in the synopsis (ie. it's not important to the overall plot) you can leave it out.. Thus proving herself, Julienne begins spying for the ring, creating a male alias that consistently eludes capture. And while her daring escapades soothe her heart for vengeance, she secretly hopes to fulfil the promise she made to her dying father—restore the family’s horse farm that was ruined by Union forces.

After a particularly daring mission, Julienne’s alias, known only as Julian Landry, comes to the attention of the Union Secret Service. A recently disinherited British ex-pat named Alexander Caulfield is hired to track down the notorious spy. Little is known about his target, beyond that the spy recently escaped from a union prison after participating in Morgan's Raid on Northern Kentuckysorry, but still wondering how they know she was in prison and escaped but they don't know she's a woman and her description. I know later you say the information hadn't reached him yet, but here you're saying the information of her capture/escape HAD reached them. So, on the one hand, we know she was captured and escaped but we don't know she's a woman or what she looked like. You could just cut his out (the capture and escape) and it'd make a lot more sense.. Using a record of enlistment for Landry, Caulfield makes his way to Frankfort, hoping that the spy is hiding amongst the citizens in the Union-held city. Instead he finds Julienne Dalton, a tragic, but intriguing young woman. Raised as the son of a wealthy aristocrat, Alex has never encountered a woman like her. She is as well educated as any man, bests him at chess matches, and rides a horse like she was born to it. Alex soon finds himself in love, and proposing marriage.

Julienne accepts Alex’s proposal, hoping that she might have a little happiness. She never mentions her secret activities, and when intel is received regarding Alex’s true purpose in Frankfort, she is heartbroken. Determined to the leave the country and her traitorous husband, Julienne disappears. While travelling through her husband’s homeland, she is shocked to learn that she is pregnant. Discouraged from continuing her journey, Julienne settles in a small English village, pretending to be a widow.

After weeks of indulging in a drunken stupor following Julienne’s disappearance, Alex meets with his contacts at the Secret Serviceabout friggin' time :P (I like this guy!). He is stunned and angered when they reveal that a Confederate turn-coat has come forward, claiming that Julian Landry is really Julienne. Feeling betrayedcomma and persuaded that she never loved him, Alex takes on a new assignment—acting as a secret courier for Union forces. Months pass,misplaced comma - "months pass and, as the war comes to a close,..." and as the war comes to a close, Alex finds that he has not stopped loving his wifejust me but maybe make this a little stronger? Something like - "Alex throws himself into a new assignment desperate to forget his wife..." "months pass and, as the war comes to a close, Alex finally accepts he cannot forget Julienne". I don't know, just seems a little stronger - otherwise it sounds a tad bit like "wait, I'm STILL in love with her? Darn it.". He searches for her for weeks, but turns up nothing but dead ends. Urgent telegrams from his father demand his return to the family’s estate, misplaced comma - "family's estate and, convinced that...and convinced that he will never find Julienne, Alex departs for England.

Living in England proves easier than Julienne thought. As she makesplans to re-build her family’s breeding stock, Julienne makes the acquaintance of Lord Richard Ashby. His scandalous past is bandied about in the village, but Julienne disregards it, happy to have a friend. However, his intentions transcend friendship, and when Richard proposes marriage, Julienne is torn. She now has a son to provide for, and her fears of discovery are ever present, but she is convinced that she could never love RichardI would maybe change this to her telling him she's in love with Alex, or he knows she's still in love with him/figures it out, something. Not change the story or anything, just the wording to tie it together more. That way it tags perfectly to his fear of losing her in the next paragraph (because he already knows she's in love with Alex) and also explains his increasing paranoia and resentment - after all, he's done so much for her and she's still hanging on to the ex, who wouldn't be angry?. After confessing her past to him, he stands by her side, but does not tell her that Alex is really a viscount, and heir to an estate in the adjacent county. Julienne accepts his proposal and prepares to petition for an annulment from Alex.

Richard is fearful of losing Julienne, just as he lost his first love years before. Resentful over the fact that she loves another, he falsely claims to be the father of Julienne’s son, hoping that her supposed adultery will curtail a reunion with Alex. And when Alex does return to his father’s estates, he is badgered into an arranged marriage. A grand ball is planned to announce his betrothal, and Julienne and Richard are among the guests. Alex spots them in the crowd, and he is shocked to find his missing wife living so close to his home. But he discovers that Julienne is engaged to Richard, and that she may already be his mistress. Furious with her over this second betrayal, Alex threatens Julienne with divorcestill wondering about "I'm going to marry someone else but how dare YOU be with someone else! I shall divorce you!". She does not contest him in hopes that he will not find out about their son and seek to take him.

During a crowded market day fair, Alex spots Julienne and her son. The toddler resembles him, and he can no longer question the child’s parentage. He secretly meets with Julienne, and after confessing all to each other, they decide to reconcile. Alex leaves to break off his engagement, but not without promising to return that evening. He is seen leaving the house, and a well-meaning servant reports to Richard. Incensed beyond sanity that Julienne spent the night with another man, he goes to her. When she attempts to break off their engagement, he resolves to have her, even if by nefarious means.

Pushing her to the floor, Richard pulls at Julienne’s clothes, intent on consummating their relationship. He is stopped by Alex, who has returned early. Richard stands to his feet, withdraws a pistol, and shoots his rivalfires. Alex slumps to the floor, unable to intervene, and Richard drags Julienne up the stairs to her bedroom. She manages to break away, misplaced comma - put it after the "and"and retrieving her own gun from the wardrobe, she fires at Richard. He falls to the floor, mortally wounded. On his dying breath, he is apologetic andbrokenly explains that he could not lose her. Traumatized by what she has done, she drops the gun, and sinks to the floor. Sobs are choking her, but through the noise of her despair, she hears a dragging noise in the hall. She looks up to find Alex, blood soaked and out of breath, grasping at the door framehe is so awesome. I want an Alex. :).

Weeks later, Julienne is back in Frankfort, living permanently at Brookfield, her family’s farm. After having shipped her horses from England, she has been over seeing their training. After spending the day in the stables, she starts up to what was the ruin of her family’s house. The fire blackened walls have been torn down, and new framing is rising up. The sound of hammers can be heard, and as she draws closer, she encounters a man standing in the yard. It is Alex, leaning on a walking stick, watching the workers progress with the building. Julienne stops beside him but says nothing. Alex tells her that he received word from his father today. The letter is filled with vitriol, and says that he has named Alex’s nephew the heir to his fortune. Julienne asks him if he regrets coming back with her. In response, Alex pulls her close, and they walk away. Hooray for happy ending epilogues!

I hope the ending was more satisfactory. Thanks to JadePhoenix for the idea!

[oldhousejunkie]

Also, I noticed two things that raised questions.
One - if I understand correctly from the synopsis, her twin's name was Julian Landry, she takes that name/persona as her alias, Alex tracks her by finding enlistment papers for Julian (her brother) and mistaking them for her? That's a cool idea, but it's not entirely clear and I had to read a few times to get it. The easiest way to fix it is just name her brother at the beginning - "her twin brother, Julian, went missing".

Second- I'm a bit confused with the timing of things. She's far enough along to know she's pregnant (meaning at least two to three months) but is able to settle and befriend Richard fast enough that he can logically claim it as his own. Did he claim the baby was premature? Also, months pass before Alex decides he wants to find her, and then a few more weeks before he goes home, but when he sees the child it's a toddler suggesting years have passed. So maybe make that clearer.

To answer your questions, Julienne's brother's name is actually Jack. I need to drop the enlistment papers reference because it's confusing. What really happens is that when Julienne goes into the union camp in Frankfort, she "over acts" and ends up having to enlist in the army. She manages to escape afterwards. "Julian" is just a corruption of her own name, and "Landry" was her father's middle name. She just comes up with the name off the cuff. When "Julian" gets arrested along with the Confederate regiment involved in Morgan's Raid, she claims that she is a Union spy undercover, and that is how she is released. Part of the backstory is that the Union Secret Service knows that they don't have a spy by that name, and when they do some checking, they find enlistment records for "Julian" in Frankfort. That's how Alex decides to start there. I should just say "Using information gathered on Julian, Alex starts in Frankfort..."

Second, yes, Julienne conceived a month or so before she left Frankfort. My research indicates that she would have spent two to three weeks on board the steamship to England. So she is about two months along when she's traveling through England. She meets Richard two months later. They are just friends for the duration of her pregnancy. Because she is a "widow" everyone thinks it is her dead husband's baby. But people begin to talk because Richard and Julienne are always together. Maybe she was really Richard's mistress and not a widow, the baby is actually his, etc. Richard actually goes to great lengths to protect Julienne's reputation at first. But when she reveals who she is married to, he worries that he will lose her, and that's when he starts confirming the rumors in hopes that Alex will divorce her should he return to England. Yes, he's got a few screws loose, as the reader will find out along the way. The baby is really not a toddler, by the time Alex shows up. If I remember correctly he's only ten months or so. I guess technically he still is a baby, so I will change that.

I'm glad that you like Alex....Quill thinks he is a cad. Lol. :-)

Thanks again for all of the comments!

[JadePhoenix]

Oh, all right. You mentioned the brother went missing during the War (or timeframe) so I was assuming he was one of the many soldiers killed who were never identified/shipped home or something like that (I went through a HUGE historical fiction phase so I'm sure that's where I'm making all these connections from :) ). Then Julian and Julienne sounded like names that might be given to twins (Justin and Justine or George and Georgette, something like that). Then when you brought in the enlistment papers I was thinking "well, she mentioned the brother so he must be important somehow and it sounds like he might have been a soldier and here's Alex finding enlistment papers soooooo...." Yep, you definitely need to make that a little clearer then. It's one of those things where you know your book so well that it's obvious to you so you don't put it in and then outsiders are left going "what?" OR making their own, possibly wrong, conclusions. :)

For the timeline, I was just thinking she's at least two months (and you say four) by the time she meets Richard (ie. is physically where he is). So that means when she gives birth she's only been around him five months so in order to realistically claim the baby as his, he'd need to say it was born premature. Oh, wait, you said they start thinking she's not a widow and is his mistress - do you mean they're assuming a prior relationship, she got pregnant and he BROUGHT her there? In other words, the townspeople are thinking she and Richard knew each other somewhere else, she got pregnant and he brought her to where he lived under the guise of a pregnant widow to protect her virtue? That makes sense - if that's not what you meant sorry for jumping to wrong conclusions again! :)

I don't think Alex is a cad, he's just young in some ways!

[oldhousejunkie]

For the timeline, I was just thinking she's at least two months (and you say four) by the time she meets Richard (ie. is physically where he is). So that means when she gives birth she's only been around him five months so in order to realistically claim the baby as his, he'd need to say it was born premature. Oh, wait, you said they start thinking she's not a widow and is his mistress - do you mean they're assuming a prior relationship, she got pregnant and he BROUGHT her there? In other words, the townspeople are thinking she and Richard knew each other somewhere else, she got pregnant and he brought her to where he lived under the guise of a pregnant widow to protect her virtue? That makes sense - if that's not what you meant sorry for jumping to wrong conclusions again! :)

CORRECT! :-)

[JadePhoenix]

Excellent! :)