Query critique 3/21/24

[Nathan Bransford]

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Dear [Agent],

I saw on your #MSWL that you’re interested in fairytale retellings and particularly enjoy dark spins. I'm thrilled to present my Cinderella retelling in which the night of the ball is cursed to repeat, and each midnight brings murder but the only clue is the shoe.

Seventeen-year-old Élisabeth grew up smothered in soot and shame, but she’s determined to become a noblewoman by trading the taste of ashes for blood. She doesn’t need pumpkins or mice to bring her to the royal ball when blackmail will do. But once at the ball, Élise struggles to hide her secret engagement to the son of a duke and their shared plot to assassinate the crown prince and claim his throne.

The ball holds its secrets as well. Élise’s schemes are cut short when she realizes the night is cursed to repeat over and over. A guest is murdered each midnight only to wake the next evening, alive and freshly powdered for the ball to begin anew. Only the aloof prince is awake to this nightmare with her, so she reluctantly joins the man she intends to kill to break the curse.

But Élise discovers she was the one murdered on that original, fateful night, triggering the curse. Worse still, she was killed with her own engagement gift: her glass shoes. And the prince, from whom she most closely guarded the secret of her engagement, may be the only guest she can trust.

Élise, who made enemies of the guests to gain her invitation to this ball, must discover who murdered her and break this curse. And she must do so before the prince realizes her true intentions in coming to this ball, or else be killed once again.

THE GLASS SLIPPER is a standalone 85k YA fantasy, Groundhog Day meets Cinderella at a rococo ball, with a side enemies-to-lovers romance and diverse cast.

I studied creative writing at[University], and am a resident physician specializing in Radiology. I live in [City], where I have short stories published in local anthologies.

Please see the first pages attached for your consideration.

Sincerely,