Page critique 3/14/24

[Nathan Bransford]

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: Crossing the Lines
YA Magical Realism

This is not how things were supposed to go down.

Linda breathes heavily in my ear as we crouch in the shadows behind the bakery. I can feel her trembling, but in spite of the frigid air, sweat pours down my forehead and back. There is still occasional gunfire in the distance, but for now, we are safe. Something, I don’t know what, told me to grab her hand and just start running. I am grateful for the darkness. Earlier this morning, we took out the street lights, just in case. I thought it was a little over the top to think that we would need a place to hide or regroup after dark, but I went along with it. Now, I am glad I did. Stuart, our leader, is dead. Others have been killed as well; eliminated they call it. And some were taken into custody. I have no idea what will happen to them, all I know for sure is that there is no way in hell that I am giving up without a fight.

From out of the shadows steps a hooded figure. Some raise their weapons, but it is useless. We have used up our ammunition, and he knows it.
“I come in peace.” he says, raising his hands. The man’s face is hidden from view, but his voice is vaguely familiar.
“Your only chance of survival at this point is to enter the forest and stay there. ….