Query critique 7/27/23

[Nathan Bransford]

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.


Thanks for the feedback. Please critique this query letter.

July 14, 2023

Targeted Literary Agent Name
Agent's Address

Janene Roberts Massieh
Author's Address
Author's Phone Number
Author's Email address

Dear Agent,

I saw your profile on LinkedIn and see that you reside in the same area as I do. It looks like you have been with Targeted Literary Agency a long time.

I’m querying you because I think we would be a good fit for my novel, Worth More Than Sparrows. When Claire Stravinsky starts losing her memories, she must track down her childhood friend John Sloane. But he keeps disappearing and she finds out he’s losing his mind too and the authorities are after him.

As a young orphan, Claire met John after being adopted by supportive parents. Claire and John finally reconnect to seek answers and to confront the place where it all started.

Worth More Than Sparrows takes readers on a rollercoaster ride of mysteries to solve in 76,000 words. Set in the not-too-distant future, it will appeal to a mass audience of readers looking for higher truths. The book has some Christian themes, the title references Matthew 10:29-31, set in an altered universe where people are able to store positive memories.

I started my creative writing journey in the 1990’s while attending spontaneous writing prompt groups led by Judy Reeves, author of A Writer’s Book of Days. I was a weekly regular and since 2003 found that the prompts kept bringing up Claire and John’s story. So I compiled the pieces I had written and started laying down the novel. Over the years my beliefs grew so I could write authentically about characters seeking answers. However, the mystery is primarily the theme so it should be palatable to all audiences.

I have taught writing classes and wrote a children’s book called Anna Maria, The Fruit of the Spirit. I have also led prompt writing groups for the San Diego Writer’s Ink and have run my own. I am currently a part of a read and critique group and have written many blog posts for my websites Cinderella Factory and Popcorn Press and Media.

This will be my debut novel and I’m excited about it. Since I enjoy reading it, I think others will too. I am looking forward to connecting with you soon.

Sincerely,