Query Letter: You Dear, Sweet Man

[thomasn]

In the neon world of advertising, everything is for grabs: ideas, people, even the future. But, what if the line that separates an advertisement from the real world were suddenly erased? What if the person of your fantasies stepped from an ad and beckoned you to follow her back, inviting you to melt into her world. Could you resist? Bobby Fastow couldn't.
When Charles Hamilton, the CEO of a fast food restaurant chain, decides to change to a venue to healthy food, a very unique variable motion advertisement is produced by an unusual cast of characters, the most intriguing of them being Samantha; her desire to control men becomes an evil obsession, and her manipulation of them and her alter-ego within the ad leads Bobby Fastow into an unpredictable world of advertising. He is a nobody, yet he is everybody whose life is lacking something special.
After boarding a subway car, a woman speaks to him from this fast food company's ad. Megan is the alter-ego of Samantha, an evil, immature model who possesses extra-sensory powers over men by simply using the phrase,"You dear, sweet man." She has an overwhelming sense of revenge against the company's president and board members who have hired her to pose for this most ingenious and captivating ad that moves as a result of vibrations from whatever vehicle it is attached. She is able to manipulate the advertisement's creators into developing her own ad and seduces Bobby into entering the ad to join Megan and become an everlasting part of it.
You Dear, Sweet Man is a 62,000 word, professionally edited, fantasy/suspense in the vein of Twilight Zone works.
Thank you so much for taking the time to consider my work.

[ddegreeff]

The first couple sentences confused me, bouncing back and forth between the figurative 'world of advertising', and an actual, physical advertisement. And how can an advertisement offer you the future? I had to read this a couple of times to figure out what was going on -- it seems like the first and second paragraphs almost say the same thing, so I'd condense it into something a bit more straight forward. Also, remember that paying to have a work professionally edited isn't always a good thing (kidlit.com just had a post on that this week) to have known, and be sure to put in any previous published work or special experience.

[cjtrapp]

Read up on some agent pet peeves -- especially the master of this domain -- the most common one is rhetorical questions.

[Holly]

In the neon world of advertising, everything is for grabs: ideas, people, even the future. But, what if the line that separates an advertisement from the real world were suddenly erased? What if the person of your fantasies stepped from an ad and beckoned you to follow her back, inviting you to melt into her world. Could you resist? Bobby Fastow couldn't.
When Charles Hamilton, the CEO of a fast food restaurant chain, decides to change to a venue to healthy food, a very unique variable motion advertisement is produced by an unusual cast of characters, the most intriguing of them being Samantha; her desire to control men becomes an evil obsession, and her manipulation of them and her alter-ego within the ad leads Bobby Fastow into an unpredictable world of advertising. He is a nobody, yet he is everybody whose life is lacking something special.
After boarding a subway car, a woman speaks to him from this fast food company's ad. Megan is the alter-ego of Samantha, an evil, immature model who possesses extra-sensory powers over men by simply using the phrase,"You dear, sweet man." She has an overwhelming sense of revenge against the company's president and board members who have hired her to pose for this most ingenious and captivating ad that moves as a result of vibrations from whatever vehicle it is attached. She is able to manipulate the advertisement's creators into developing her own ad and seduces Bobby into entering the ad to join Megan and become an everlasting part of it.
You Dear, Sweet Man is a 62,000 word, professionally edited, fantasy/suspense in the vein of Twilight Zone works.
Thank you so much for taking the time to consider my work.

I am too tired to give any constructive criticism, but, hey, I LOVE your story idea!

[snlemon]

I started doing a line by line and then got overwhelmed with the plot.

I'm not even sure who your MC is?? Is it Charles or Megan/Samanatha? What does he/she's want most of all? What do they have to do to get it? What is at stake for them?

You are telling me a lot in this but you aren't showing me why I should care or why this is important.

JMO, take what is useful!!