Query: SF novel "Continuum"

[hooktonfonnix]

This is my first attempt at a query letter, so any constructive feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Dear Agent,

Twenty-four-year-old Blake O'Connor's life seems to be going nowhere fast, even for a deep-space polonium miner. The woman he loves is millions of miles away on Earth, and life on an isolated asteroid leaves much to be desired. But that's all about to change.

When Blake and his friend Marcus Stone are framed for a crime they couldn't possibly have commit, they are forced to flee for their lives in an attempt to clear their names. However they find much more than they bargained for when they begin to uncover a sinister conspiracy involving planetary leaders, organized crime lords, and genetically-modified super-humans, all bent on achieving their own ends by any means necessary. What follows is an epic, galaxy-spanning journey so perilous and moving, time itself may no longer be safe.

"Continuum" is a 100,000-word science fiction novel filled with vivid characters, intense mystery, exciting action, and plenty of humor. It will appeal to fans of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as well as Isaac Asimov's The End of Eternity.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Me

[geogstacey]

Twenty-four-year-old Blake O'Connor's life seems to be going nowhere fast, even for a deep-space polonium miner. The woman he loves is millions of miles away on Earth, and life on an isolated asteroid leaves much to be desired. But that's all about to change.I'd delete that whole part...it isn't a hook. And I'd start with, "When Blake and his friend Marcus Stone are framed for a crime they couldn't possibly [color=#FF0000]have commit, they are forced to flee for their lives in an attempt to clear their names." [/color]

However they find much more than they bargained for when they begin to uncover a sinister conspiracy involving planetary leaders, organized crime lords, and genetically-modified super-humans, all bent on achieving their own ends by any means necessary. What follows is an epic, galaxy-spanning journey so perilous and moving, time itself may no longer be safe.

"Continuum" is a 100,000-word science fiction novel filled with vivid characters, intense mystery, exciting action, and plenty of humor. It will appeal to fans of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as well as Isaac Asimov's The End of Eternity.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
This seems very interesting, but not enough conflict for me to want to read more...what is the major conflict? What are the stakes if you don't achieve it? Who will it effect? Everything in red, i would cut. It's unnecesary back story or wordiness that needs to be taken out. You have three short paragraphs to make this short and sweet. Good luck.

[wilderness]

Hi! Sounds like this could be a fun space adventure, but you're not really telling us enough about how they stumble onto a conspiracy and what the main conflict is. Be sure to show us how your novel reads, not just tell us.

Dear Agent,

Twenty-four-year-old Blake O'Connor's life seems to be going nowhere fast, even for a deep-space polonium miner. The woman he loves is millions of miles away on Earth, and life on an isolated asteroid leaves much to be desired.But that's all about to change. Unnecessary -- we'll see that in the next paragraph.

When Blake and his friend Marcus Stone are framed for a crime they couldn't possibly have committed, they are forced to flee for their lives in an attempt to clear their names. However they find much more than they bargained for when they begin to uncover a sinisterconspiracy involving planetary leaders, organized crime lords, and genetically-modified super-humans, all bent on achieving their own ends by any means necessary. Tell us how they stumble onto the conspiracy, and what is at stake. What follows is an epic, galaxy-spanning journey so perilous and moving, time itself may no longer be safe. You're telling us what the book is like, not showing us. Check out Nathan's post on the importance of specificity here.

"Continuum" is a 100,000-word science fiction novel filled with vivid characters, intense mystery, exciting action, and plenty of humor. All of the last part should be shown in the pitch section, not told here. It will appeal to fans of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as well as Isaac Asimov's The End of Eternity. Do you really want to compare yourself to Harry Potter? From what I know, most agents don't find comparisons helpful unless they are much more specifically related than this appears to be.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Me

[TaylorNapolsky]

You need more details, to explain what makes this story interesting and original.