How to be Friends with a Writer

The writing process, writing advice, and updates on your work in progress
rosepetal720
Posts: 39
Joined: January 12th, 2011, 12:28 pm
Contact:

How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by rosepetal720 » August 23rd, 2011, 11:50 am

I'm posting this in case Nathan still wants guest posters on his blog, but I'd also like to hear what you guys think about the writer + non-writer relationship. It should be a fun discussion.

How to be Friends with a Writer

A while back, I guest-posted Why I Don’t Tell People I Write on Nathan Bransford's blog. I wrote about the odd things people say when they discover you want to be a writer.

I realize now that the article was somewhat unfair. Being the friend of a novelist isn’t easy, and most people aren’t used to it. For those of you who need help interacting with a writer friend, I present to you the Idiot’s Guide to Being Friends with a Writer.

Be Aware of Disappointments

Even phenomenal writers face disappointments. I’m not talking about “I’m sad this isn’t working out the way I planned” disappointment; I’m talking about “I will never achieve my purpose in life” disappointment.

Writers can question their worth as human beings during the first draft, revisions, querying, being on submission to editors, even while marketing the book and hoping it sells. Your friend might feel like no one understands. Be sensitive.

Get Ready to Listen

Have you ever had friends get in a romantic relationship and that’s all they can think or talk about? That’s what writing a book is like. Being a newlywed with the excitements and frustrations is like revision. Finding an agent is like trying not to get divorced.

In other words, your friend is thinking about her book constantly. You’re going to hear about it a lot.

I don’t mind it when people say (kindly) that they’d like to talk about something else once in a while. But I still need a listening ear from time to time.

Don’t Ask “Are You Published Yet?”

This one gets to me the most. Most people don’t understand how long it takes for a novel to get from start to finish. The professionals often write a book a year, but that’s their job.

Unpublished novelists have to make time between work and family, and they do it without pay. The first novel is the hardest and takes the longest.

Finding an agent can take months if you’re lucky, longer if you’re not. After you find your agent you have to find an editor, which can take anywhere from weeks to a year. Once a book hits the publisher’s desk, it takes at least a year to get to book stores. So even after a book is finished, it could take as long as three years for an unlucky person to get published.

I’ve spent the last five years explaining to my friends why my book isn’t finished, and it’s embarrassing.

Don’t Judge

Even if you’ve read a person’s work, you cannot know a writer’s full talent or potential. I’ve hated stories that everyone else loved. I’ve read chapters that were terrible, but then the second draft was magnificent. Just because you think your friend is a bad writer doesn’t mean she won’t make it.

In the same vein, be aware that just because you think your friend is an amazing writer doesn’t mean agents will feel the same way. Disappointments will still come.

At Least Pretend to Take Them Seriously

It’s easy to tell when someone doesn’t think I’ll get published. If you visibly treat writing as a hobby when it’s the most important thing in your friend’s life, I hope she becomes famous and in the acknowledgments lists everyone she knows except you. No joke.

There are writers I don’t take seriously, but I would never let them know. When people shrug us off, you can’t understand how much it hurts.
Author of Sacred Fire, a historical fiction of the Vestal Virgins of Rome.
http://teralynpilgrim.blogspot.com/

User avatar
dios4vida
Posts: 1119
Joined: February 22nd, 2010, 4:08 pm
Location: Tucson, Arizona, USA
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by dios4vida » August 23rd, 2011, 12:15 pm

That is awesome and so very, very true.

I would add "at least pretend like you'll read their book when it's published." One of the most painful things for me is that my sister has blatantly told me that she will not read my books. Yeah, I know she doesn't like to read fiction, and she isn't a fantasy fan, but she's my sister. She blogs about science stuff and I don't understand any of it, but I still read them. (Oops, stop the rant...) It's hard to keep smiling and believing that even if you do make it you'll have readers when your own family or closest friends won't support you.

Also, "don't give me writing advice if you aren't a writer." You might be the most wonderfully supportive and appreciative friend in the history of the world, but unless you're a writer, too, you won't fully understand the process. So when you ask how my writing's been and I say "oh man, I'm stuck on this thing so I haven't been doing much this week" sympathize and lament about writer's block but please don't try to fix my problems by spouting out advice you once heard on Good Morning America. And telling me about the kid who got their first book published at 15 does NOT help encourage me when I've been writing for 10 years and have yet to even get close to publication. (Seriously, mother-in-law, I'm talking to you.)

Great post, rosepetal. :)
Brenda :)

Inspiration isn't about the muse. Inspiration is working until something clicks. ~Brandon Sanderson

User avatar
AnimaDictio
Posts: 158
Joined: June 10th, 2010, 1:07 am
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by AnimaDictio » August 23rd, 2011, 1:28 pm

I've always thought of writers as members of a special club. I've never been inclined to discuss writerly issues with non-writers. How could they possibly understand?

User avatar
MattLarkin
Posts: 346
Joined: July 31st, 2011, 9:37 am
Location: St Petersburg, Florida
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by MattLarkin » August 23rd, 2011, 2:15 pm

In particular it can be awkward if they ask what you write, you tell them you write fantasy, and they say, "ohhhh." Much as it's become more mainstream, speculative fiction still seems odd to many people.
mattlarkin.net
larkinediting.com - freelance editing for fantasy and science fiction
ImageImageImage

User avatar
dios4vida
Posts: 1119
Joined: February 22nd, 2010, 4:08 pm
Location: Tucson, Arizona, USA
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by dios4vida » August 23rd, 2011, 2:20 pm

MattLarkin wrote:In particular it can be awkward if they ask what you write, you tell them you write fantasy, and they say, "ohhhh." Much as it's become more mainstream, speculative fiction still seems odd to many people.
Yeah, it's as if they assume you're mentally unstable or something just cause you write fantasy. Either that, or you aren't really writing because, well, it's fantasy. :evil: We're real writers, just like every other genre out there. It's hard. We have to follow the rules, too. Deal with it.
Brenda :)

Inspiration isn't about the muse. Inspiration is working until something clicks. ~Brandon Sanderson

User avatar
Watcher55
Posts: 741
Joined: November 27th, 2010, 8:25 am
Location: Plantser-ville
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by Watcher55 » August 23rd, 2011, 3:48 pm

Great post rosepetal.

If we're rude, it's because we really are working and we really do want you to Go Away.

User avatar
Cookie
Posts: 540
Joined: September 20th, 2010, 11:18 am
Location: Berkshires
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by Cookie » August 23rd, 2011, 4:18 pm

dios4vida wrote:
MattLarkin wrote:In particular it can be awkward if they ask what you write, you tell them you write fantasy, and they say, "ohhhh." Much as it's become more mainstream, speculative fiction still seems odd to many people.
Yeah, it's as if they assume you're mentally unstable or something just cause you write fantasy. Either that, or you aren't really writing because, well, it's fantasy. :evil: We're real writers, just like every other genre out there. It's hard. We have to follow the rules, too. Deal with it.

I totally agree with this. Most of the people in my life have been supportive about my choice in writing, but there are some that nod their heads and smile. Or, in my best friends mother's case, suggest I write something people would actually want to read (she may have been suggesting I write about lighter, fluffier themes than war and death, but still). It took everything I had not to back-hand her.

This is just my highly biased opinion, but I think spec-fic writers should be held in a higher regard since they think beyond the bounds of reality to create beings, cultures, and worlds from scratch. It's one thing to write a story about a guy living in NYC dealing with a divorce, and quite another to write about a wizard in made-up land dealing with his evil ant-person ex. Your imagination is your biggest tool, your greatest gift, and why you would be looked down upon because you use it to it's fullest and mightiest extent is just plain silly. My imagination is a strange and wonderful thing and I am not going to apologize for using it. In fact, I am going to look down on you for being so boring (not really. Maybe. It depends on my mood).

*gets off soapbox.*

User avatar
HillaryJ
Posts: 434
Joined: February 3rd, 2010, 7:22 pm
Location: Alaska
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by HillaryJ » August 23rd, 2011, 8:34 pm

My best non-writer friend reads history and historical fiction. She doesn't understand fantasy or contemporary or futuristic, or why one would need to write/read that. But, she doesn't blink when I change directions mid-conversation, and can riff with me for hours on hypotheticals (though with a certain historial, Russian influence on her part). I consider that priceless even if she doesn't understand the hours I log writing and revising, or the highs and lows of sales, near misses and complete failures.
Blog http://www.hillaryjacques.blogspot.com
Twitter http://www.twitter.com/hillaryjacques
CARNIEPUNK - http://books.simonandschuster.com/Carni ... 1476714158
as Regan Summers - The Night Runner series from Carina Press

User avatar
dios4vida
Posts: 1119
Joined: February 22nd, 2010, 4:08 pm
Location: Tucson, Arizona, USA
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by dios4vida » August 23rd, 2011, 11:04 pm

Cookie wrote:This is just my highly biased opinion, but I think spec-fic writers should be held in a higher regard since they think beyond the bounds of reality to create beings, cultures, and worlds from scratch. It's one thing to write a story about a guy living in NYC dealing with a divorce, and quite another to write about a wizard in made-up land dealing with his evil ant-person ex. Your imagination is your biggest tool, your greatest gift, and why you would be looked down upon because you use it to it's fullest and mightiest extent is just plain silly. My imagination is a strange and wonderful thing and I am not going to apologize for using it. In fact, I am going to look down on you for being so boring (not really. Maybe. It depends on my mood).

*gets off soapbox.*
Cookie, I love you. :)
Brenda :)

Inspiration isn't about the muse. Inspiration is working until something clicks. ~Brandon Sanderson

User avatar
F.E. Sewell
Posts: 13
Joined: August 7th, 2011, 5:02 pm
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by F.E. Sewell » August 24th, 2011, 12:22 am

Cookie wrote:This is just my highly biased opinion, but I think spec-fic writers should be held in a higher regard since they think beyond the bounds of reality to create beings, cultures, and worlds from scratch. It's one thing to write a story about a guy living in NYC dealing with a divorce, and quite another to write about a wizard in made-up land dealing with his evil ant-person ex. Your imagination is your biggest tool, your greatest gift, and why you would be looked down upon because you use it to it's fullest and mightiest extent is just plain silly. My imagination is a strange and wonderful thing and I am not going to apologize for using it. In fact, I am going to look down on you for being so boring (not really. Maybe. It depends on my mood).
That's why I love science fiction. I have so much respect for writers that imagine super cool crazy worlds (fantasy included, of course). I especially like it when their ideas (or variations of) have actually been created or are looking possible as we move ahead into the future. Submarines and lasers are a few examples. I'm kicking myself right now because I can't think of think of anything else, but basically, what I'm trying to say is that I would have to be a genius to write that stuff, and I am no where near it.

rosepetal720
Posts: 39
Joined: January 12th, 2011, 12:28 pm
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by rosepetal720 » August 28th, 2011, 12:30 am

dios4vida wrote:I would add "at least pretend like you'll read their book when it's published." One of the most painful things for me is that my sister has blatantly told me that she will not read my books. Yeah, I know she doesn't like to read fiction, and she isn't a fantasy fan, but she's my sister.
My sister-in-law said the exact same thing to me. It was like an arrow to the chest. Why would you say that to someone?
dios4vida wrote:Also, "don't give me writing advice if you aren't a writer."
I know, that's so annoying!
Cookie wrote: Or, in my best friends mother's case, suggest I write something people would actually want to read (she may have been suggesting I write about lighter, fluffier themes than war and death, but still). It took everything I had not to back-hand her.
My husband said the exact same thing to me. I had an idea for a book that's kind of out there, and I'm pretty nervous about it. I could really use someone to tell me, "Wow, that's a great idea." I told him about the book, and (he's Southern), he said, "Guess baby don't care 'bout selling them books!" and laughed, as if failure is funny or something.
Author of Sacred Fire, a historical fiction of the Vestal Virgins of Rome.
http://teralynpilgrim.blogspot.com/

User avatar
wilderness
Posts: 541
Joined: February 21st, 2010, 6:25 pm
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by wilderness » August 28th, 2011, 1:40 pm

Great post! Now how do we get all our friends to read it? ;)

Btw, I liked the original thread a lot and showed it to my husband -- because he doesn't understand why I'm such a basketcase about discussing my writing..

User avatar
wilderness
Posts: 541
Joined: February 21st, 2010, 6:25 pm
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by wilderness » August 28th, 2011, 1:44 pm

dios4vida wrote:
Yeah, it's as if they assume you're mentally unstable or something just cause you write fantasy. Either that, or you aren't really writing because, well, it's fantasy. :evil: We're real writers, just like every other genre out there. It's hard. We have to follow the rules, too. Deal with it.
I don't think they think I'm mentally unstable -- I think they think I'm just uber-nerd, that I stay up playing World of War Craft and Role Playing Games. No disrespect for those who do, but writing a novel is a huge undertaking and accomplishment and I wish they would acknowledge that.
dios4vida wrote: (Seriously, mother-in-law, I'm talking to you.)
Hahahaha...seriously!

User avatar
dios4vida
Posts: 1119
Joined: February 22nd, 2010, 4:08 pm
Location: Tucson, Arizona, USA
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by dios4vida » August 28th, 2011, 3:03 pm

rosepetal720 wrote:I had an idea for a book that's kind of out there, and I'm pretty nervous about it. I could really use someone to tell me, "Wow, that's a great idea."
That's a great idea!! :D

Seriously, though, if you want to write it, then write it. Passion goes a long way to making a difficult concept work. I've done the same thing myself.
Brenda :)

Inspiration isn't about the muse. Inspiration is working until something clicks. ~Brandon Sanderson

Claudie
Posts: 707
Joined: June 9th, 2010, 3:57 pm
Location: Quebec
Contact:

Re: How to be Friends with a Writer

Post by Claudie » August 29th, 2011, 10:28 am

dios4vida wrote:
rosepetal720 wrote:I had an idea for a book that's kind of out there, and I'm pretty nervous about it. I could really use someone to tell me, "Wow, that's a great idea."
That's a great idea!! :D

Seriously, though, if you want to write it, then write it. Passion goes a long way to making a difficult concept work. I've done the same thing myself.
And if you're nervous about the idea, you can show it to fellow writers. We won't laugh. We won't steal. We're pretty good at getting the pompoms out for a good cheering. :D
"I do not think there is any thrill [...] like that felt by the inventor as he sees some creation of the brain unfolding to success... Such emotions make a man forget food, sleep, friends, love, everything." -- Nikola Tesla

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 21 guests