(Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

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(Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby JonGibbs » 15 Jun 2011, 10:52

You finally did it. Mouth dry, hands sweatier than the hands of someone who sweats a lot, you made that in-person pitch to the agent of your dreams.

Incredibly, the words you rehearsed a thousand times in the last week came out smoother than you ever dreamed possible. No stutter or tremble in your voice. No nervous flatulence (at least, not from you). In fact, you couldn't have made that pitch with any more eloquence if you had another thousand years to prepare.

Now you wait for the agent's response. Every moment of silence drags on longer than the last. Your heart feels like a melon trying to wedge itself up into your throat.

At last, the agent raises a hand. Will it be thumbs up or thumbs down? And what if you do get a request for a partial, or even a full ms? How can you tell if he/she is really excited about your book or just asking to see more on the off-chance it turns out to be a better read than you made it sound?

Over the years I've developed a knack for reading between the lines. Being the helpful chap I am, I've made a list of some of the things an agent might say after your in-person pitch that might mean they're not quite as interested in your book as you hoped.

The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear
1: "You know, if I hadn't just sold a book for a client with that exact same premise, I think I'd ask you to send me the full ms."

2: "Sounds great, never mind sending me a partial ms, let me sign you up right now... Bazinga! You've fallen victim to another one of my classic pranks. Oh, I'm such a kidder. Here, pull my finger."

3: "Sorry, I drifted off there for a moment. What were you saying?"

4: "Next!"

5: "This is a joke, right? Did Donald Maass put you up to this?"

6: "Go away."

7: "Stewardess!"

8: "That's nice. Now if you don't mind, can we get back to organizing my mother's headstone. Did you say this one comes in marble?"

9: "I have a couple of questions. Who the heck are you and what are you doing in my hot tub?"

10: ____________________________________________


I left #10 blank.

What would you put on the list?

If you found this helpful, you might also like:

10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent During an In-Person Pitch http://jongibbs.livejournal.com/170646.html
A Rejection With a Silver Lining http://jongibbs.livejournal.com/29218.html
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby Collectonian » 15 Jun 2011, 14:54

10. Um, I think you were looking for Ms. X. I'm Ms. Y.
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby Watcher55 » 15 Jun 2011, 15:13

10. Saawy - No speaka da Eenglish.
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby cheekychook » 16 Jun 2011, 07:32

10. "SECURITY!!!"
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby JonGibbs » 16 Jun 2011, 08:02

Collectonian wrote:10. Um, I think you were looking for Ms. X. I'm Ms. Y.


Hehehehe, now that would be embarrassing :)
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby JonGibbs » 16 Jun 2011, 08:02

Watcher55 wrote:10. Saawy - No speaka da Eenglish.


Lol :)
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby JonGibbs » 16 Jun 2011, 08:03

cheekychook wrote:10. "SECURITY!!!"


Especially if he/she says that before you even start your pitch, right? :)
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby Watcher55 » 16 Jun 2011, 08:30

10. Hey, that sounds great. I'll tell you what - Next Tuesday, go to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave (or 10 Downing Street) and tell the man at the gate that you're the one with the earthshaking bombshell.
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby JonGibbs » 16 Jun 2011, 10:25

That'd be a real quick visit :)
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby Thomas Burchfield » 17 Jun 2011, 14:41

"What if they were vampires? No, wait. No, wait, if they were zombies? No wait. What if they were vampires AND zombies! And there's a teenage girl detective with a drinking problem! No, wait . . . ."
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby Beethovenfan » 17 Jun 2011, 22:50

You finally did it. Mouth dry, hands sweatier than the hands of someone who sweats a lot, you made that in-person pitch to the agent of your dreams.

Incredibly, the words you rehearsed a thousand times in the last week came out smoother than you ever dreamed possible. No stutter or tremble in your voice. No nervous flatulence (at least, not from you). In fact, you couldn't have made that pitch with any more eloquence if you had another thousand years to prepare.

Now you wait for the agent's response.


And you wait. And you wait. Crickets chirp in the background...
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby JonGibbs » 18 Jun 2011, 03:26

Thomas Burchfield wrote:"What if they were vampires? No, wait. No, wait, if they were zombies? No wait. What if they were vampires AND zombies! And there's a teenage girl detective with a drinking problem! No, wait . . . ."



Lol, you laugh now, but give it time and they'll prbably make it a TV show :)
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby JonGibbs » 18 Jun 2011, 03:28

Beethovenfan wrote:
You finally did it. Mouth dry, hands sweatier than the hands of someone who sweats a lot, you made that in-person pitch to the agent of your dreams.

Incredibly, the words you rehearsed a thousand times in the last week came out smoother than you ever dreamed possible. No stutter or tremble in your voice. No nervous flatulence (at least, not from you). In fact, you couldn't have made that pitch with any more eloquence if you had another thousand years to prepare.

Now you wait for the agent's response.


And you wait. And you wait. Crickets chirp in the background...



Or perhaps worse still, snoring ;)
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby Watcher55 » 18 Jun 2011, 06:33

Here's my brother-in-law's card. He does free-lance carbon dating work, and you should really have that looked at.
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Re: (Humor)The Agent Pitch: 10 Responses You Don't Want to Hear

Postby JonGibbs » 19 Jun 2011, 14:44

Watcher55 wrote:Here's my brother-in-law's card. He does free-lance carbon dating work, and you should really have that looked at.


Now that's just mean.

I like it :)
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