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(Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 20th, 2011, 11:43 am
by JonGibbs
There are lots of great blog posts about how to pitch a novel in a face-to-face meeting with an agent, but sometimes, what you don’t say can be just as important.

With that in mind, I’ve made a list of things writers probably shouldn’t say during an in-person pitch (with special thanks to Bill Mingin, my friend from the GSHW (Garden State Horror Writers), who inspired this post during a pre-meeting chinwag a while back, and also suggested I include #6 on the list).

10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent During an In-Person Pitch

1: “Before I tell you my story idea, you have to sign this secrecy agreement.”

2: “I’m here to talk to you about the book what I wrote.”

3: “Wow! You look so much older in person.”

4: “Help me agent person. You’re my only hope.”

5: “This is a great conference, don’t you think? Listen, I know you’re on the toilet, but from the sound of things, you’re going to be in there for some time, so while you’ve got a few minutes to spare, please read my first chapter. It’s in the envelope I just slid under the door. No need to rush. I’ll just wait here till you’re done.”

6: “You’ll love having me as a client. I’m great fun to work with. Here, pull my finger.”

7: “I thought about approaching you before, when I follow you to work each morning, or as you collect your kids from school, or when you put the cat out at night, but I know how you agent-types like your privacy.”

8: “You’ll love my book. It’s way better than all that other rubbish you’ve been getting deals for.”

9: “Personally, I think literary agents are nothing but parasites and vultures. Still, since you guys are also the gate-keepers, I suppose I’ll just have to hold my nose and let one of you represent me. Now, about my novel…”

10: ___________________________


I’ve left number ten blank. What would you put on a list of things not to say to an agent during a personal pitch?

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 20th, 2011, 11:52 am
by Watcher55
10: I'm here to save your career. Read this now.

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 20th, 2011, 11:59 am
by JonGibbs
"10: I'm here to save your career. Read this now."

Lol, good one :)

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 20th, 2011, 12:21 pm
by Collectonian
10. This 200,000 word novel is the start of my 20 book series, and I fully expect it will be bigger than Twilight, Harry Potter, even Lord of the Rings! Hollywood is going to be beating down your door to turn them all into films!

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 20th, 2011, 12:38 pm
by taylormillgirl
I think you'll love my novel's content. I know because I've been watching you.

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 20th, 2011, 1:17 pm
by JonGibbs
Collectonian wrote:10. This 200,000 word novel is the start of my 20 book series, and I fully expect it will be bigger than Twilight, Harry Potter, even Lord of the Rings! Hollywood is going to be beating down your door to turn them all into films!

If only, right? :)

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 20th, 2011, 1:18 pm
by JonGibbs
taylormillgirl wrote:I think you'll love my novel's content. I know because I've been watching you.
Watching, taking notes, waiting... :)

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 20th, 2011, 2:10 pm
by taylormillgirl
JonGibbs wrote:
taylormillgirl wrote:I think you'll love my novel's content. I know because I've been watching you.
Watching, taking notes, waiting... :)
I'm hearing Sting in my head: "Every breath you take..." lol!

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 20th, 2011, 3:54 pm
by Quill
10. Any chance you could read my manuscript this weekend, and I could call you Monday?

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 23rd, 2011, 2:07 pm
by JonGibbs
If only, right? :)

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 23rd, 2011, 3:26 pm
by Quill
Quill wrote:10. Any chance you could read my manuscript this weekend, and I could call you Monday?
Correction:

10. Any chance you could read my manuscript this weekend, and call me Monday?

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 24th, 2011, 2:23 pm
by jazzlovesnoodles
I think I should play my main character in the films. And you should play the Love Interest.

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 28th, 2011, 2:19 pm
by RobinWeeks
10: I queried Mr. Super Agent last month and I'm sure he'll take me on as a client, but just in case he doesn't, you're one of my backups.

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 28th, 2011, 6:19 pm
by StephFunk
I know you'll love my manuscript. It's written from the MC's vagina's POV.

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Posted: May 30th, 2011, 11:32 pm
by Nathan Bransford
10. I can see you through the window, you look like you're having a bad day.