(Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Submission protocol, query etiquette, and strategies that work
User avatar
JonGibbs
Posts: 57
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 7:39 am
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Contact:

(Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by JonGibbs » May 20th, 2011, 11:43 am

There are lots of great blog posts about how to pitch a novel in a face-to-face meeting with an agent, but sometimes, what you don’t say can be just as important.

With that in mind, I’ve made a list of things writers probably shouldn’t say during an in-person pitch (with special thanks to Bill Mingin, my friend from the GSHW (Garden State Horror Writers), who inspired this post during a pre-meeting chinwag a while back, and also suggested I include #6 on the list).

10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent During an In-Person Pitch

1: “Before I tell you my story idea, you have to sign this secrecy agreement.”

2: “I’m here to talk to you about the book what I wrote.”

3: “Wow! You look so much older in person.”

4: “Help me agent person. You’re my only hope.”

5: “This is a great conference, don’t you think? Listen, I know you’re on the toilet, but from the sound of things, you’re going to be in there for some time, so while you’ve got a few minutes to spare, please read my first chapter. It’s in the envelope I just slid under the door. No need to rush. I’ll just wait here till you’re done.”

6: “You’ll love having me as a client. I’m great fun to work with. Here, pull my finger.”

7: “I thought about approaching you before, when I follow you to work each morning, or as you collect your kids from school, or when you put the cat out at night, but I know how you agent-types like your privacy.”

8: “You’ll love my book. It’s way better than all that other rubbish you’ve been getting deals for.”

9: “Personally, I think literary agents are nothing but parasites and vultures. Still, since you guys are also the gate-keepers, I suppose I’ll just have to hold my nose and let one of you represent me. Now, about my novel…”

10: ___________________________


I’ve left number ten blank. What would you put on a list of things not to say to an agent during a personal pitch?
Born in England, writer, Jon Gibbs, now lives in the USA. He can usually be found hunched over the computer in his basement office. One day he hopes to figure out how to switch it on.

An Englishman in New Jersey http://jongibbs.livejournal.com

User avatar
Watcher55
Posts: 741
Joined: November 27th, 2010, 8:25 am
Location: Plantser-ville
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by Watcher55 » May 20th, 2011, 11:52 am

10: I'm here to save your career. Read this now.

User avatar
JonGibbs
Posts: 57
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 7:39 am
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by JonGibbs » May 20th, 2011, 11:59 am

"10: I'm here to save your career. Read this now."

Lol, good one :)
Born in England, writer, Jon Gibbs, now lives in the USA. He can usually be found hunched over the computer in his basement office. One day he hopes to figure out how to switch it on.

An Englishman in New Jersey http://jongibbs.livejournal.com

Collectonian
Posts: 159
Joined: February 17th, 2011, 4:42 pm

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by Collectonian » May 20th, 2011, 12:21 pm

10. This 200,000 word novel is the start of my 20 book series, and I fully expect it will be bigger than Twilight, Harry Potter, even Lord of the Rings! Hollywood is going to be beating down your door to turn them all into films!

User avatar
taylormillgirl
Posts: 138
Joined: December 28th, 2009, 9:02 am
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by taylormillgirl » May 20th, 2011, 12:38 pm

I think you'll love my novel's content. I know because I've been watching you.
Author of hot & humorous romances, debut novel coming in 2012 from Sourcebooks!
http://macybeckett.com/

User avatar
JonGibbs
Posts: 57
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 7:39 am
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by JonGibbs » May 20th, 2011, 1:17 pm

Collectonian wrote:10. This 200,000 word novel is the start of my 20 book series, and I fully expect it will be bigger than Twilight, Harry Potter, even Lord of the Rings! Hollywood is going to be beating down your door to turn them all into films!

If only, right? :)
Born in England, writer, Jon Gibbs, now lives in the USA. He can usually be found hunched over the computer in his basement office. One day he hopes to figure out how to switch it on.

An Englishman in New Jersey http://jongibbs.livejournal.com

User avatar
JonGibbs
Posts: 57
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 7:39 am
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by JonGibbs » May 20th, 2011, 1:18 pm

taylormillgirl wrote:I think you'll love my novel's content. I know because I've been watching you.
Watching, taking notes, waiting... :)
Born in England, writer, Jon Gibbs, now lives in the USA. He can usually be found hunched over the computer in his basement office. One day he hopes to figure out how to switch it on.

An Englishman in New Jersey http://jongibbs.livejournal.com

User avatar
taylormillgirl
Posts: 138
Joined: December 28th, 2009, 9:02 am
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by taylormillgirl » May 20th, 2011, 2:10 pm

JonGibbs wrote:
taylormillgirl wrote:I think you'll love my novel's content. I know because I've been watching you.
Watching, taking notes, waiting... :)
I'm hearing Sting in my head: "Every breath you take..." lol!
Author of hot & humorous romances, debut novel coming in 2012 from Sourcebooks!
http://macybeckett.com/

User avatar
Quill
Posts: 1058
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 9:20 pm
Location: Arizona
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by Quill » May 20th, 2011, 3:54 pm

10. Any chance you could read my manuscript this weekend, and I could call you Monday?

User avatar
JonGibbs
Posts: 57
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 7:39 am
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by JonGibbs » May 23rd, 2011, 2:07 pm

If only, right? :)
Born in England, writer, Jon Gibbs, now lives in the USA. He can usually be found hunched over the computer in his basement office. One day he hopes to figure out how to switch it on.

An Englishman in New Jersey http://jongibbs.livejournal.com

User avatar
Quill
Posts: 1058
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 9:20 pm
Location: Arizona
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by Quill » May 23rd, 2011, 3:26 pm

Quill wrote:10. Any chance you could read my manuscript this weekend, and I could call you Monday?
Correction:

10. Any chance you could read my manuscript this weekend, and call me Monday?

jazzlovesnoodles
Posts: 23
Joined: December 6th, 2009, 8:40 am
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by jazzlovesnoodles » May 24th, 2011, 2:23 pm

I think I should play my main character in the films. And you should play the Love Interest.

RobinWeeks
Posts: 1
Joined: May 28th, 2011, 2:14 pm
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by RobinWeeks » May 28th, 2011, 2:19 pm

10: I queried Mr. Super Agent last month and I'm sure he'll take me on as a client, but just in case he doesn't, you're one of my backups.

StephFunk
Posts: 1
Joined: May 28th, 2011, 6:06 pm
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by StephFunk » May 28th, 2011, 6:19 pm

I know you'll love my manuscript. It's written from the MC's vagina's POV.

User avatar
Nathan Bransford
Posts: 1346
Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: New York, NY
Contact:

Re: (Humor) 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Agent

Post by Nathan Bransford » May 30th, 2011, 11:32 pm

10. I can see you through the window, you look like you're having a bad day.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest