One Line Pitch

[Beethovenfan]

I've been lurking on this thread for a couple of days and have enjoyed reading the pitches. I hadn't actually started one for my MS before this so here's my first attempt. The title of my novel is SOULSONG.

On the night of her graduation from college to be a concert pianist Jane Picardy discovers a musician's baton that, upon waving it in the air, whisks her three hundred years back in time to colonial America.

It sounds a bit wordy to me at the beginning but I felt it necessary to reveal what Jane studied in college as it has a lot to do with the story itself. And, it doesn't really tell anything of the main part of the story, but I'm hoping that it is intriguing enough that someone would want to read more. Do you think that's enough? Or does a pitch need to tell more of the gist - the bulk - of the story? Any help you guys could give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! :)

[cheekychook]

I've been lurking on this thread for a couple of days and have enjoyed reading the pitches. I hadn't actually started one for my MS before this so here's my first attempt. The title of my novel is SOULSONG.

On the night of her graduation from college to be a concert pianist Jane Picardy discovers a musician's baton that, upon waving it in the air, whisks her three hundred years back in time to colonial America.

It sounds a bit wordy to me at the beginning but I felt it necessary to reveal what Jane studied in college as it has a lot to do with the story itself. And, it doesn't really tell anything of the main part of the story, but I'm hoping that it is intriguing enough that someone would want to read more. Do you think that's enough? Or does a pitch need to tell more of the gist - the bulk - of the story? Any help you guys could give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! :)

A one-line pitch can tell more of the story, but doesn't have to---it can just introduce the premise.

I'm always hesitant to rewrite anyone's work, but just as an example of how you could shorten this pitch:

On the night of her college graduation concert pianist Jane Picardy discovers a musician's baton that whisks her back in time to colonial America.

If you want to do one with more of the storyline I imagine you could start with something along the lines of :

When concert pianist Jane Picardy discovers a musician's baton that whisks her back to colonial America (insert what chaos ensues here).

I had a very hard time cutting my pitches down, 'cause I'm kinda wordy by nature, but I actually found that trying to condense the pitch into a tweet was kinda helpful (odd as that may sound). Also, reading loglines on movie posters really does get you in the right mind set---it's a sentence that in some way tells the reader/listener about the story in a way that lets them know some important info and at the same time (hopefully) intrigues them. It's not an easy task. You're off to a great start. Good luck

[polymath]

Consider whether the baton is a musician's or a conductor's. Also, consider including a causal reason why Picardy might be teleported into the past. Frankly, teleportation standing by itself feels a little coincidental. I don't feel a personal connection with her without some kind of an emotional complication compelling a happenstance change in her circumstances.

In other words, there's a profound event circumstance, teleportation, not much in the way of plot. Paraphrasing E.M. Forster's signal proverb: The king died, then the queen died, is a story. The king died, then the queen died from grief, is a plot. The king's death causes the queen's grief, which causes her death. Plot's essential causation at its simplest redux.

[Beethovenfan]

Cheeky Chook, Poly math - Thank you! Excellent advice. I agree with you Polymath that I need to include a cause. I think that's why I was questioning my pitch in the first place. But I was hoping I could get away with it! :)

Cheeky Chook, I don't twitter myself, but your post has given me reason to perhaps sign up so I can practice writing 140 characters or less!
So, here's another attempt using the changes you suggested:

When concert pianist Jane Picardy discovers a conductor's baton that whisks her back to colonial America she is befriended by Jean Emil Troubere, the leader of an enigmatic group of musicians, who desperately needs Jane to teach them what she knows of music from the future.

Well, I wrote this quickly, so again it's wordy. I'll work on it some more. But, does this give it more cause? And, I don't tell WHY she has to teach music from the future.

Again, thank you for having taken the time to help me out. :)

[polymath]

SPICE is as essential in a pitch as it is in every dramatic unit, query, synopsis, sentence, paragraph, chapter, novel. One reason queries and pitches are hard to compose is they require a lot of meaning crammed into tiny spaces.

Getting as much SPICE into a pitch's twenty-five memorable and evocative words or less as it will hold is an ideal, though some one or another SPICE aspect emphasized ought best reflect a novel's SPICE emphasis, but not give too much short-shrift to the other aspects. Some can be implied if there's enough other context to go on.

Setting; time, place, and situation; Plot, causation, tension, and antagonism; Idea, thematic topic; Character, familiar empathy-worthy protagonists facing insuperable complications, nemeses, and villains; and Event, larger-than-life doings with private and public stakes.

My question of your pitch, Beethovenfan, is what's going on that causes Picardy to travel back to Colonial America? I think Idea as theme relates to internal and external conflict might be a source for realizing what that might be. And also relates to a First Cause: the conflict cause that incites a first crisis, an effect.

The first crisis, or inciting crisis is Picardy's time travel. That's an effect. What causes it? Why? Why her, and why she's the who it happens to? When and where are given, modern times and places and colonial times and places. How is given, a magic conductor's baton. That's the W questions.

So basing a projection on Idea--theme as it relates to conflict, a diametric opposition of stakes and potential outcomes--projecting why Picardy particularly is transported to Colonial America: Could it be a matter of acceptance or rejection? Life or death? Fame or obscurity? Riches or rags? Conquest or defeat? Love or hate? Salvation or damnation? Musicians seek the validation of popular and artistic acclaim, fame, acceptance in its own right.

Picardy just graduated from music school and faces the long climb from obscurity to fame. Perhaps she's prematurely fired from her first public engagement? In a vile temper she curses the conductor's capricious whim. She picks up the conductor's baton and waves it menacingly. Voilà, back she goes to learn her lessons. Perhaps the enigmatic musicians set the conductor's baton as a trap for someone from the future of Picardy's demeanor? The conductor cherishes it and ostentatiously brandishes it for its collectible prestige value. He's not worthy of it, but PIcardy is. Just me projecting for illustration purposes.

[Fenris]

Well, I'll give it a shot. Might as well practice while I can.

HARBINGER: When Micah Larrick becomes the vessel for a being destined to destroy the world, he must choose between two paths to follow: his heart, or his fate.

NOUS (Working Title): As the ninth incarnation of a mysterious alchemist named Nous, Seth Gulveger is tasked with bringing down his tyrannical predecessor -- who just so happens to be himself.

I realize the latter might not make sense, but it's one of those things where it's hard to explain with only one line. I'm thinking of just ending it with "predecessor," but tell me what you think.

[Quill]

I'm thinking that in general it is more effective to not use people's names in a one line pitch. A lot of the one-liners in this thread seem to be stronger with names omitted. Cleans them up, reduces them to the essential elements, a student, a couple, a mother.

[polymath]

I'm thinking that in general it is more effective to not use people's names in a one line pitch. A lot of the one-liners in this thread seem to be stronger with names omitted. Cleans them up, reduces them to the essential elements, a student, a couple, a mother.

I feel the same way. Now, that's not to say it's an absolute. For example, a historical fiction pitch might name names. If a name enhances a pitch's evocative powers, it might be a best practice to use one.

[Fenris]

Hrm, you're right, it does help. Never thought to try that -- it seems like specificity would help, since you're trying to distinguish your work from others', but it does seem stronger without names. Odd.

[Robin]

How does this one work?

Ata and her mother already have a difficult relationship because of a boy, but when her mother dies, leaving a trail of secrets that lead to Greece, Ata will have to face a mythic truth, a deadly foe, and a love so pure, it may cost her very own life.

[polymath]

How does this one work?

Ata and her mother already have a difficult relationship because of a boy, but when her mother dies, leaving a trail of secrets that lead to Greece, Ata will have to face a mythic truth, a deadly foe, and a love so pure, it may cost her very own life.

I sense a temporal disconnect from "already have," "but when her mother dies," "leaving," "that lead," "will have to face" and "may cost." "Already have" is present tense. "When her mother dies" is future present. "Leaving" is present progressive. "That lead," present tense. "Will have to face" is future present. "May cost" is future present. I don't feel comfortably oriented in setting's time aspect.

Also, multiple conjunctions run together several ideas which I feel don't settle on a poignant point. It seems to me mother's death is the inciting crisis.

//A mother's death leaves a trail of dark secrets leading Ata to Greece to face a mythical truth, a deadly foe, and a love so pure it may take her life.//

[bcomet]

How does this one work?

Ata and her mother already have a difficult relationship because of a boy, but when her mother dies, leaving a trail of secrets that lead to Greece, Ata will have to face a mythic truth, a deadly foe, and a love so pure, it may cost her very own life.

I sense a temporal disconnect from "already have," "but when her mother dies," "leaving," "that lead," "will have to face" and "may cost." "Already have" is present tense. "When her mother dies" is future present. "Leaving" is present progressive. "That lead," present tense. "Will have to face" is future present. "May cost" is future present. I don't feel comfortably oriented in setting's time aspect.

Also, multiple conjunctions run together several ideas which I feel don't settle on a poignant point. It seems to me mother's death is the inciting crisis.

//A mother's death leaves a trail of dark secrets leading Ata to Greece to face a mythical truth, a deadly foe, and a love so pure it may take her life.//

I see how this streamlines the above. But also, for me anyway, seems there is a hook in the "because of a boy" that needs to be front and center (especially if this is a YA). I could be wrong, but that's where I'm sniffing the story.

It's the initial conflict.
It holds a mystery: why are they at odds over this boy?
It has the seeds of the resolution: when the mystery is solved, there will be understanding and a transformation.

[polymath]

I agree the mom and Ata contention over a boy has evocative qualities. I don't know if it's backstory or goes to the central conflict though. It could be a bridging complication for the opening setup. It could be thematically significant and therefore related to the central conflict. As far as conflict, I gleaned life or death and acceptance or rejection are in play.

[bcomet]

As far as conflict, I gleaned life or death and acceptance or rejection are in play.

Yes. (And, also, I don't know either) but death and acceptance-or-rejection play as backup intrigue to "the boy" who will trump all that with romantic YA. It's the draw-in card that will get the girls' hearts a-beating and pique their desire to read further. It's a selling point.

You could almost title a book "Because of a Boy" and say nothing else.

The title: "The Secret Year" was simply brilliant. It says it all.

[Robin]

As far as conflict, I gleaned life or death and acceptance or rejection are in play.

Yes. (And, also, I don't know either) but death and acceptance-or-rejection play as backup intrigue to "the boy" who will trump all that with romantic YA. It's the draw-in card that will get the girls' hearts a-beating and pique their desire to read further. It's a selling point.

You could almost title a book "Because of a Boy" and say nothing else.

The title: "The Secret Year" was simply brilliant. It says it all.

Wow! Thank you both for your feedback. Maybe I need to rework that pitch, I don't want my MS to be misconstrued as a romantic-its-all-about-a-boy-type book. If thats how it came across, I've failed.

I was shooting for a thriller-must-read-it.

Back to the drawing board.

Thanks again!