Page Critique Friday 11/12/10

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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David Stricklen
Posts: 10
Joined: January 15th, 2010, 10:48 am
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Re: Page Critique Friday 11/12/10

Post by David Stricklen » January 19th, 2011, 10:11 am

Title: Beyond Blackwater Pond

Genre: Fantasy Adventure

The first hint of morning sun pierced the dusty windowpane, striking Brian Hummel in the eyes. The tall sixteen-year-old sat up groggily and threw his long legs out of bed. The old farmhouse floor creaked as he stood and pushed his mass of dark curly hair into order with his fingers. He staggered down the hall, wearing only a ragged pair of blue basketball shorts.
“Mornin’ Ma,” he said as he walked into the kitchen and slid a chair across the dry wooden floor.
“You’re up early,” she said, taking two cereal bowls out of the cupboard.
“Yeah, Tommy and I are meeting a few guys at the pond to swim.” He sat down at the table and gazed out the tattered screen door. A few barnyard cats tumbled and played in the dirt next to a rusty old tractor. The sun’s rays were angled, giving the wavy hay fields surrounding their farm a warm glow. “Hey Ma, what was up with Grandma last night? She’s been even weirder than usual lately. Is she feeling okay?”
He heard a shuffling sandpaper noise. Tipping his head back, he saw Grandma passing behind him. On this hot July morning she wore a brown sweater over a blue flowered dress and a black shawl pulled tightly over her rounded shoulders.
“Sorry, Gram, I just meant…”
“What is it dear?” She ran her hand lovingly across his shoulders as she went by, like she had done a thousand times before.
“Nothing, I was just hoping that you’re feeling better.”

“Here, Mom,” said Mrs. Hummel, setting down a hot cup of coffee in front of her.

“Hummm,” the old woman creaked. “Let’s see what the tea leaves have to say.” She dipped her spoon in the coffee and gave it three careful turns as if she was conducting a scientific lab experiment. She lifted a small carton of cream and with a shaky hand, dripped the cool white liquid into the black swirling brew.

Brian leaned back in his chair and watched in amusement. “I was just thinking, don’t you need tea to actually be able to read the leaves?”

“Well, that’s just what she calls it,” said Mrs. Hummel. “You see, her mother used to tell the future by looking for shapes in her leftover tea grounds. Your grandmother is more of a coffee drinker, so she’s always preferred reading the shapes in her coffee cream.”

“Guess that was before email.” Brian smiled.

“Leave her be,” said Mrs. Hummel. “If she thinks the Almighty himself takes a moment each morning to send her a message…well…let her have that.”

Grandma paid them no mind and leaned her face in over the top of the cup. Mesmerized, she stared into the coffee as if she was peering through an open window. The spoon escaped her grasp and clanked loudly onto the table. Her trembling hand came up to her mouth. “Oh my…oh my!” She looked up at Brian with her cloudy eyes and grabbed firmly on to his arm. “Bad news!”

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Jaime
Posts: 159
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 7:00 pm
Location: Australia
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Re: Page Critique Friday 11/12/10

Post by Jaime » January 19th, 2011, 1:26 pm

David Stricklen wrote:Title: Beyond Blackwater Pond

Genre: Fantasy Adventure

The first hint of morning sun pierced the dusty windowpane, striking Brian Hummel in the eyes. The tall sixteen-year-old sat up groggily and threw his long legs out of bed. The old farmhouse floor creaked as he stood and pushed his mass of dark curly hair into order with his fingers. He staggered down the hall, wearing only a ragged pair of blue basketball shorts.
“Mornin’ Ma,” he said as he walked into the kitchen and slid a chair across the dry wooden floor.
“You’re up early,” she said, taking two cereal bowls out of the cupboard.
“Yeah, Tommy and I are meeting a few guys at the pond to swim.” He sat down at the table and gazed out the tattered screen door. A few barnyard cats tumbled and played in the dirt next to a rusty old tractor. The sun’s rays were angled, giving the wavy hay fields surrounding their farm a warm glow. “Hey Ma, what was up with Grandma last night? She’s been even weirder than usual lately. Is she feeling okay?”
He heard a shuffling sandpaper noise. Tipping his head back, he saw Grandma passing behind him. On this hot July morning she wore a brown sweater over a blue flowered dress and a black shawl pulled tightly over her rounded shoulders.
“Sorry, Gram, I just meant…”
“What is it dear?” She ran her hand lovingly across his shoulders as she went by, like she had done a thousand times before.
“Nothing, I was just hoping that you’re feeling better.”

“Here, Mom,” said Mrs. Hummel, setting down a hot cup of coffee in front of her.

“Hummm,” the old woman creaked. “Let’s see what the tea leaves have to say.” She dipped her spoon in the coffee and gave it three careful turns as if she was conducting a scientific lab experiment. She lifted a small carton of cream and with a shaky hand, dripped the cool white liquid into the black swirling brew.

Brian leaned back in his chair and watched in amusement. “I was just thinking, don’t you need tea to actually be able to read the leaves?”

“Well, that’s just what she calls it,” said Mrs. Hummel. “You see, her mother used to tell the future by looking for shapes in her leftover tea grounds. Your grandmother is more of a coffee drinker, so she’s always preferred reading the shapes in her coffee cream.”

“Guess that was before email.” Brian smiled.

“Leave her be,” said Mrs. Hummel. “If she thinks the Almighty himself takes a moment each morning to send her a message…well…let her have that.”

Grandma paid them no mind and leaned her face in over the top of the cup. Mesmerized, she stared into the coffee as if she was peering through an open window. The spoon escaped her grasp and clanked loudly onto the table. Her trembling hand came up to her mouth. “Oh my…oh my!” She looked up at Brian with her cloudy eyes and grabbed firmly on to his arm. “Bad news!”
Hi David - just letting you know you've posted in the wrong thread. This thread is the critique of my 1st page. If you go to viewtopic.php?f=19&t=1539 you'll be able to post there to go into the draw :)

Good luck :)

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