Title: Confessions Of An Honest Man
Word Count: 250
July, 1967. Detroit, Michigan
Three musicians were standing beside the club’s back door, under a canvas awning with scalloped trim Love this detail. They wore black tuxedoes, replete Feels like a dollar word where none would do fine with cummerbunds, bow ties and shoes polished to mirrored perfection. The tallest of the three, a man in his early sixties, wore a red poppy in his lapel. The others had white carnations More good details. A few people stopped to shake their hands and offer words of praise. Someone laughed a boozy laugh This feels oddly imprecise when everything had been noted with such meticulous detail up to this point. This seems like where there could be more personality. When the people had drifted away, the older musician butted his cheroot in the sand of an ashtray. He stepped off the concrete pad and walked towards his car.
The other two followed casually, about fifteen seconds apart. They got into the vehicle and quietly closed the door
Soon they were engrossed in the ritual of the pipe: lighting, inhaling, holding their breath, exhaling. It was cozy in the Continental’s plush interior. Air came through the upholstery’s leather seams, as if the vehicle sighed. The men were settling down, recharging their nerves for the next set, the last set. It was one o’clock in the morning.
BANG! A sound like a bomb shocked the trio with sudden terror. Their bodies reacted before their brains registered the sound. They ducked, and their hands flew to cover their heads.
The car lurched as a man holding a pistol dove across the hood, holding a pistol in his right hand. His legs swam wildly as he fought to stop his momentum. Whatever tactic he had in mind, it wasn’t working Didn't really believe this last bit. Sliding across a car isn't really a "tactic." Seems a bit too clever and the hand of the author too clear. If he slides across the car and lands on his face we'll know whatever he had in mind didn't work.
Passive voice is an issue here (particularly with the first line).
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests