Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Nathan Bransford wrote: TITLE: 'APOSTLE'
GENRE: CRIME
WORDCOUNT: 250

A white Transit van pulls into a long straight road by the town park, slows for the speed bumps, then indicates right. Pulls into Not sure about the repetition of "pulls into" in the first and second sentences a small car park in front of the two-story honeystone building that is Oakham Police Station.

For a minute, no-one gets out.

Rain falls on the van’s windscreen. Andy Webb sits in the driver’s seat, one hand still on the wheel, the other holding a phone to his right ear. An exhausted man in his late thirties, he’s staring fixedly ahead. He’s listening.

From the passenger seat, Jean Webb looks out at the grey morning. Across the road, towards the park bandstand, at the green swathes of grass falling away to the children’s swing and the play area Not a sentence - careful with these fragments. In the background, the huge church spire reaches to the sky. Leopard gargoyles strain high up on leashes, stone eyes blinded blinded by what? Not sure I understand this image. Kind of goes without saying that they can't see if their eyes are stone.

Her son Very confusing as Andy had first been described as Andy Webb, now suddenly he's "her son." It seems like a third person is being introduced, on the phone, is doing some kind of deal on a set of second hand radiators. Even now, in the car park of the bloody police station – even under these circumstances - he can’t let the job go. Although there’s no enthusiasm in his voice, even today he’s promising to drive up to Melton to pick up parts for plumbing.

Andy, aware of his mother’s disapproval another perspective shift, agrees to pay over the odds for the gear, and cuts the call. He throws the phone onto the van’s dashboard, it disappears into a mess of paperwork and empty takeaway wrappers. Closes his eyes, rubs them.

Nathan Bransford wrote:
TITLE: 'APOSTLE'
GENRE: CRIME
WORDCOUNT: 250

A white Transit van pulls into a long straight road by the town park, slows for the speed bumps, then indicates right. Pulls into a small car park in front of the two-story honeystone building that is Oakham Police Station. The sentence fragment threw me off.

For a minute, no one gets out. No hyphen.

Rain falls on the van’s windscreen. Andy Webb sits in the driver’s seat, one hand still on the wheel, the other holding a phone to his right ear. An exhausted man in his late thirties, he’s staring fixedly ahead. Doesn't read right and info dumpy - show me. He’s listening. I'm a little confused here and had to read it twice - I couldn't tell if Andy is in the white van or in something else because in my head, I'm an outsider to the van and then am thrust inside of it with Andy - I'd pick a perspective with the opening and stick with it. Start with what Andy is doing as opposed to the can as an separate object.

From the passenger seat, Jean Webb looks out at the grey morning. Across the road, towards the park bandstand, at the green swathes of grass falling away to the children’s swing and the play area. Again, sentence fragments not flowing well for me. In the background, the huge church spire reaches to the sky. Leopard gargoyles strain high up on leashes, stone eyes blinded.

Her son, on the phone, is doing some kind of deal on a set of second hand radiators. Even now, in the car park of the bloody police station – even under these circumstances - he can’t let the job go. Although there’s no enthusiasm in his voice, even today he’s promising to drive up to Melton to pick up parts for plumbing.

Andy, aware of his mother’s disapproval, agrees to pay over the odds for the gear, and cuts the call. He throws the phone onto the van’s dashboard, it disappears into a mess of paperwork and empty takeaway wrappers. Closes his eyes, rubs them.

Nathan Bransford wrote:A white Transit van pulls into a long straight road by the town park, slows for the speed bumps, then indicates right. Pulls into I don't think the repetition works here. a small car park This is the second time you've used the word park in two sentences, you might want to substitute this one with "parking lot" in front of the two-story honeystone I like this description because I haven't read it before. building that is Oakham Police Station.

For a minute, no-one gets out.

Rain falls on the van’s windscreen. Andy Webb sits in the driver’s seat, one hand still on the wheel, the other holding a phone to his right ear. An exhausted man in his late thirties, he’s staring fixedly ahead. He’s Replace the period with a comma so that you combine these two sentences.listening.

From the passenger seat, Jean Webb looks out at the grey morning. Across the road, towards the park Park again bandstand, at the green swathes of grass falling away to the children’s swing and the play area. Fragment. I don't mind fragments (I probably use them too much) when they add something to the sentence or fit the style, but here this fragment just pulls me out of the story In the background, the huge church spire reaches to the sky .I think you could find a better verb than 'reaches' here. Leopard gargoyles strain high up on leashes, stone eyes blinded. I think you should reword this sentence so that we're not wanting to know what the gargoyles are blinded by. Also, I'm not sure about the straining on their leashes part; I've never seen a gargoyle on a leash, but I do like this description.

Her son, on the phone, is doing some kind of deal on a set of second hand Really nitpicky, but secondhand is one word. radiators. I thought that you were talking about another person, too, when I first read this. I know their last names are the same, but it's still confusing, because you don't automatically connect Jean and Andy as mother and son. As it's worded now, this sentence made me think that she was talking to her son, who was trying to work out a deal on secondhand radiators. Even now, in the car park Fourth time you've repeated park. of the bloody police station – even under these circumstances - he can’t let the job go. Although there’s no enthusiasm in his voice, even today he’s promising to drive up to Melton to pick up parts for plumbing. This sentence is awkward. Maybe join it to the previous one with a semi-colon to better the flow.

Andy, aware of his mother’s disapproval, how? show us her disapproval agrees to pay over the odds for the gear, and cuts the call. He throws the phone onto the van’s dashboard, either replace the comma with a semi-colon or add an 'and' hereit disappears into a mess of paperwork and empty takeaway wrappers. Closes his eyes, rubs them. Again with the stylistic fragments that aren't working in your favor. This would work better if it was a complete sentence, by adding 'He' in the beginning.

Nathan Bransford wrote: TITLE: 'APOSTLE'
GENRE: CRIME
WORDCOUNT: 250

A white Transit van pulls into a long straight road by the town park, slows for the speed bumps, then indicates right. Pulls into a small car park in front of the two-story honeystone building this is nice, and a nice contrast that a police station is honeystone. that is Oakham Police Station.

For a minute, no-one gets out.

Rain falls on the van’s windscreen. Andy Webb sits in the driver’s seat, one hand still on the wheel, the other holding a phone to his right ear. An exhausted man in his late thirties, he’s staring fixedly ahead. He’s listening.

From the passenger seat, Jean Webb looks out at the grey morning simple, but I like this. Across the road, towards the park bandstand, at the green swathes of grass falling away to the children’s swing and the play area. In the background, the huge church spire reaches to the sky. Leopard gargoyles strain high up on leashes, stone eyes blinded. I caught my breath at this. Excellent.

Her son, on the phone, is doing some kind of deal on a set of second hand radiators. Even now, in the car park of the bloody police station – even under these circumstances - he can’t let the job go. Although there’s no enthusiasm in his voice, even today he’s promising to drive up to Melton to pick up parts for plumbing.

Andy, aware of his mother’s disapproval, agrees to pay over the odds for the gear, and cuts the call. He throws the phone onto the van’s dashboard, it disappears into a mess of paperwork and empty takeaway wrappers again, simple but I like it.. Closes his eyes, rubs them.