NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Nathan Bransford » April 8th, 2017, 2:20 pm

If you'd like to have your query critiqued for the occasional Query Critique events, please paste your query in a post in this thread. Time permitting I'll use a random number generator to pick the query up for critique. Please limit this thread only to queries entries for critique on the blog.

Please also remember that there are separate forums for peer page, query, and synopsis critiques in case you'd like more instantaneous feedback. All non-query posts in this thread will be deleted.

Please only one entry per human.


If your need for a page or query critique is more pressing, I am offering consultations!

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Joined: April 11th, 2017, 4:16 pm

Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by SarahWrites » April 11th, 2017, 4:19 pm

I am seeking representation for What Stars Are Made Of, a 28k word middle grade contemporary that will appeal to fans of R.J. Palacio and Gary Schmidt.

Libby (age twelve) has a rare genetic condition called Turner Syndrome. This means she was born with an oversized heart, has to take daily growth hormone shots, can never have kids, and can’t do the monkey bars very well. But it doesn’t mean she won’t get an A+ in biology or be a scientist when she grows up, like her latest unsung hero, astronomer Cecilia Payne.

Then Libby’s other hero--her big sister--comes to town with a gigantic surprise: she’s pregnant, and she’s staying with the family while her husband finishes basic training. Libby knows about all the things that can go wrong with a baby or a pregnancy (like miscarriages and genetic disorders and oversized hearts). So Libby makes a deal with the universe, and with Cecilia Payne Ph.D., who Libby knows is looking down and aware of what’s happening. She promises that she will do a favor for Cecilia, honoring her memory, if Cecilia will take care of things from the other side and make sure the new baby is born safe, healthy, and perfect. With an Apgar score of ten. (A+ in biology, see?) So maybe the favor turns out to be more difficult--much more difficult--than she thought. Libby won’t give up. She will do whatever it takes to keep this baby--and her sister--safe.

I have been published in The Evansville Review, Allegory, and on I also received an MFA from Brigham Young University. Like Libby I was born with Turner Syndrome. (The daily shots actually weren’t too bad.)

Thank you for your time and consideration

Posts: 2
Joined: April 11th, 2017, 5:35 pm

Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by JenniferEaton » April 11th, 2017, 5:44 pm

Thanks for offering this, Nathan!

Dear {agent}
I saw on Reader's digest that you were looking for science fiction retellings. I'd love to introduce you to my YA Science fiction novel, CABLE.

What does it mean to be human?

Algebra, history, car repairs, and deciding who to ask to the Sadie Hawkins dance are enough to stress any teenage girl out. Add an explosion over her town and freakish metal parts with a mind of their own showing up in the family barn, and Mollie is up to her ears in weird.

When she and her father start assembling those parts, and their family togetherness project grows arms and legs, Mollie realizes they have more than a heap of rogue scrap metal on their hands. Soon their little secret becomes a big part of their lives, but government officials are searching the town and asking questions. Someone wants Mollie’s new android brother, and that someone might be the same person who blew him up in the first place.

The government doesn’t realize Cable is just a kid in the body of an android, and Mollie and her father will do everything in their power to protect him. However, the more they learn, the more they realize that the Army had an Armageddon-sized reason for blowing Cable up. After being reprogrammed by Mollie’s father, Cable isn’t the android he used to be, but with the fate of the world at stake, that might not be enough to save him.

Cable is a YA loose retelling of The Iron Man/Iron Giant with a touch of Pinocchio, because what highly-intelligent android wouldn’t want to be a real boy?

My three-book YA science fiction series, Fire in the Woods, is currently published by Month9Books in 2014, 2016, and 2017. I have spoken on local author panels and public television in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. I have also traveled to New York to sign at BookCon. I spoke on a panel for diversity at NCSLAA (North Carolina School Library Association), and I just returned from the SE-YA Bookfest in Tennessee.

Thank you for your consideration.

Posts: 2
Joined: April 11th, 2017, 10:27 pm

Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by RKeelan » April 11th, 2017, 10:30 pm

Dear [Agent],

Nathan is a slave for sale. It's a good situation, all things considered. He's well fed, gets plenty of rest. His work consists of talking to people who might buy him, but probably won't. Not if Nathan can help it.

His oldest friend is Celeste. She's either a deposed God or a voice inside his head. Either way, she's crazy. She's convinced she's got enemies, and has plans to deal with them. Plans involving Nathan.

Then Ruth buys him. That's a problem. She's young, lonely, and has no idea how to treat a slave. She confides in Nathan and shares meals with him. She asks his opinion and expects to hear it. She argues with him. It's scandalous.

Now Celeste is jealous. That's a bigger problem. She wants him to run away, but he won't go. Risk mutilation and death on the word of some voice in his head? Insanity. But Celeste is his oldest friend, and she's scared. He's got to do something.

Only, it might already be too late. Ruth's mother is coming back, and she's not going to approve of her daughter's new slave. Not her feelings for him, neither.

Even worse, Celeste really is a God, and she has a God's enemies.

IMMORTAL, a 100,000 word fantasy, is a standalone with series potential. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Posts: 1
Joined: April 18th, 2017, 8:26 pm

Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by kbarina113 » April 18th, 2017, 8:27 pm

Dear [Agent’s name]:

Two estranged brothers finally meet, only to discover that one must kill the other for the kingdom to survive.

After years with only swords and tomes as companions, seventeen-year-old Prince Vaeldhei finds his first true friend with the arrival of his surly half-brother, Mordred—a boy even more familiar with rejection and loneliness than Vael. However, an ancient prophecy haunts Mordred’s footsteps―he is destined to kill their father in a battle that will destroy Camelot. And Mordred’s sorceress mother, Morgan LeFay, will do anything to ensure that he fulfills his destiny.

Unlike the rest of the superstitious kingdom, Vael may not believe in fate’s power, but that means little to Mordred. Despite finding a kindred soul in his brother, Mordred sees no escape from his grim future or his vengeful mother. Though Vael vows to rewrite destiny, he’s not prepared for Morgan’s immense power or Mordred’s hesitancy to defy his mother. Desperate to overcome the sorceress’ manipulations, Vael resorts to enlisting Morgan’s alluring and mysterious former apprentice for aid—a risky move, especially since her loyalties are as conflicted as Mordred’s. If Vael cannot free Mordred from his mother’s twisted grasp, he will have to watch his father and Camelot fall or kill his only friend—his brother.

THE PENDRAGON’S SON is a standalone young adult Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 92,000 words. An excerpt from this manuscript received the Superior Award from the Association of Christian Schools International (ACSI) Creative Writing Contest and the ACSI Regional Creative Writing Festival. I was also chosen by Kelly Hopkins as an unofficial mentee in PitchWars 2016 with this novel. I am a Latina currently living in Pennsylvania with my husband, my reptiles, and my books.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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