Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
Posts: 4
Joined: April 6th, 2016, 3:51 pm

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Post by notalone710 » April 6th, 2016, 4:07 pm


Word count: 84,000
Genre: Young Adult Science Fiction

The weight of the world, of school, of family and above all else, his body weight, threatened to collapse all around on him. It pressured and griped to him like a vice, appearing unresolvable until this very moment.
William Scott, at only fifteen, stood in front of the full-length mirror in his bedroom and couldn't help but smile. His lifelong problem with his weight had finally been over. He looked at the thin, bare-chested boy staring back at him. If it wasn't for the dark blue eyes and spiky black hair, he would barely recognize himself. The months he spent working out seemed to zip by as if he had been in a trance, unaware of the exercise or the results it produced. He'd certainly put in the work, training everyday even on the weekends yet he couldn't fathom how he'd gotten so thin, in such a short period. Most of his life had been spent as a more round and chubby figure, making him less confident and insecure when it came to the basics like sports, friendships, or girls. He wanted so badly to fit in, not in the sense of popularity but just to believe that he, did in fact belong somewhere. Most of his friends were thin and the teasing from them specifically, is what ashamed him. When he had brought home straight A's, he was sure his father would be more proud of a son, who brought home a sports trophy and had a girlfriend by now.

Jeremy Hickerson
Posts: 1
Joined: March 17th, 2017, 1:29 pm

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Jeremy Hickerson » March 17th, 2017, 1:31 pm

Genre: Literary Commercial

Bill rolled over toward the middle of the bed until he felt Cindy's form next to him in the darkness. He put an arm around her and she pulled herself close, their bodies connecting like pieces in a puzzle. This closeness, this connection every night was one thing they had not lost after years of marriage, even as other things had slipped away. They held each other and drifted in and out of sleep for a while.
It was already light outside, but the sun came up early in mid-June. He didn't have the alarm set; school was out and the only thing on his agenda was a city league basketball game at 10 am. He checked the clock on the nightstand, then slept a little, then checked it again. At 7:30 he decided he might as well get up.
“Turn on the coffee and I'll be down in a minute,” Cindy said.
“Okay,” Bill said, putting on his robe and slippers.
He went downstairs and got the paper, then turned on the coffeepot. Cindy came down and took the pot out of the coffee machine when it had only made two cups. She filled her mug half-full, then put the pot back. Bill let it go a few more cups, then poured some for himself. Cindy added creamer and a little sugar, then took her coffee and the paper out to the living room.
Bill poured a bowl of Cheerios and took it and his coffee out to the back patio. He sipped coffee and listened to the morning sounds of his Seattle back yard: birds' wings whirring as they moved between the trees, the hose spraying as his neighbor watered her vegetables.
When he was done eating, he went inside. Cindy was upstairs in the shower. He washed up in the downstairs bathroom, brushed his teeth, then went upstairs and got dressed. It wasn't yet nine o'clock; he had enough time to stop at the coffee shop before basketball.
Cindy came into the bedroom and hung up her robe. He whistled to show his appreciation of her naked form.


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