Short Story - Critique Please

[BlancheKing]

Incorrect Assumptions

MISSING BARTENDER FINALLY FOUND...DEAD

That was the headline of the magazine article. Richard looked down at his watch: six o'clock. Late enough for him to leave unnoticed. Silently, he made his way to the cafe door.

"Did you hear about the guy they found at the bottom of the river?"

Richard stopped. Two women sat behind in the corner table, gossiping at the volume of sports announcers.

"Tragic, wasn't it?" said the first. "And he was only 28 years old."

"It's that woman's fault," said the other. "If she'd kept her legs to herself."

Richard didn't want to hear anymore. Roxanne had nothing to do with the matter. Her job required her to dance, to kick her legs. He'd always found them attractive, and so did everyone else.

The doorbell rang, momentarily letting in the sound of lawyers and traffic, and an elderly man entered, messenger bag swinging by his hip.

"A bagel and a cup of coffee," he said to the waitress behind the counter. She disappeared into the back. He took out an envelope of pictures.

Richard peered over his shoulders. Smiling back at him was a picture of Roxanne, and then one of Anthony. They both looked so happy in that shot. He wondered what they were doing now.

The waitress returned with the coffee and bagel. "Three seventy," she said. The cash register clinked. The man put away the photo, swiped his card, and then left.

Richard watched him hurry away. Another newspaper reporter covering the story. It's been three years already. No one cared anymore. Anthony and Roxanne were married. He'd gone to their wedding.

Someone turned on the TV.

"The recent discovery of the body has led to the arrest of Anthony Perkins, the victim's brother and former partner. Authorities have not yet revealed the details of the case, but the trial date has been set for this Saturday."

Richard fell back in his chair. They were still wrong. Anthony was passed out under the bar that night. Richard had seen him there. Richard had been there.

"I told you it was all because of that woman," said one of the women to the other.

"I still think it's for money," said the other. "Either way, that man's the only one without an alibi, and there aren't any other suspects."

Richard got up. They were right. There was nothing left for him to do. They'd found Anthony's car keys on the body. They would never find the actual weapon. That was sitting at the bottom of the Atlantic.

Richard checked his watch again. It was nine o'clock. Time to leave.

As he opened the door, one of the women in the back of the cafe looked up. "Look!" she cried. "The door is opening by itself!"

The waitress stopped wiping the counter. "It's just the wind," she said. "Nothing to get upset about." She closed the door behind him and returned to her work.

So much for leaving unnoticed…

Richard made his way to the side of the street. A red taxi pulled up.

"Destination?" said the driver.

"Nowhere," said Richard.

The driver let out a low whistle. "Alright," he said. "But you know there's no coming back."

Richard climbed in. "Sure," he said.

"Any last regrets, ghost boy?" asked the driver.

"Yeah," said Richard. "I wish I'd shot myself somewhere else."

[Ryan]

I liked it. It kept me engaged. Nice balance switching between narrative and dialogue. I had a feeling about the twist before I hit the end. Is there a word count restriction on this piece? If not maybe a little more info in some parts could be good. Some parts were maybe just a hair too vague.

[maybegenius]

Nice twist at the end :) There were a few places that left me confused, which I'll highlight below...

Incorrect Assumptions

MISSING BARTENDER FINALLY FOUND...DEAD

That was the headline of the magazine article. Richard looked down at his watch: six o'clock. Late enough for him to leave unnoticed. Silently, he made his way to the cafe door.

"Did you hear about the guy they found at the bottom of the river?"

Richard stopped. Two women sat behind in the corner table, gossiping at the volume of sports announcers.

"Tragic, wasn't it?" said the first. "And he was only 28 years old."

"It's that woman's fault," said the other. "If she'd kept her legs to herself." (Why do these random women know who "that woman" is? Do they know the bartender personally? If so, you may want to give them names to indicate that they're familiar faces)

Richard didn't want to hear anymore. Roxanne had nothing to do with the matter. Her job required her to dance, to kick her legs. He'd always found them attractive, and so did everyone else.

The doorbell (This confused me - there's not usually a doorbell at a bar/diner. A shop bell hanging above the door, yes, but when I hear "doorbell" I think of the sort found in residential homes.) rang, momentarily letting in the sound of lawyers and traffic, and an elderly man entered, messenger bag swinging by his hip.

"A bagel and a cup of coffee," he said to the waitress behind the counter. She disappeared into the back. He took out an envelope of pictures.

Richard peered over his (the old man's?) shoulders. Smiling back at him was a picture of Roxanne, and then one of Anthony. They both looked so happy in that shot. (That shot? I thought they were two separate pictures?) He wondered what they were doing now.

The waitress returned with the coffee and bagel. "Three seventy," she said. The cash register clinked. The man put away the photo, swiped his card, and then left.

Richard watched him hurry away. Another newspaper reporter covering the story. It's been three years already. No one cared anymore. Anthony and Roxanne were married. He'd gone to their wedding.

Someone turned on the TV.

"The recent discovery of the body has led to the arrest of Anthony Perkins, the victim's brother and former partner. Authorities have not yet revealed the details of the case, but the trial date has been set for this Saturday." (Usually trials don't happen this quickly. If he were just arrested, they would need to charge him. Then there would be an arraignment, where he'd enter his plea. THEN they'd set a trial date.)

Richard fell back in his chair. They were still wrong. Anthony was passed out under the bar that night. Richard had seen him there. Richard had been there.

"I told you it was all because of that woman," said one of the women to the other.

"I still think it's for money," said the other. "Either way, that man's the only one without an alibi, and there aren't any other suspects."

Richard got up. They were right. There was nothing left for him to do. They'd found Anthony's car keys on the body. They would never find the actual weapon. That was sitting at the bottom of the Atlantic. (If this was a suicide, how could the weapon be at the bottom of the Atlantic, but the body at the bottom of a river? Where did he shoot himself? If he was out at sea, his body wouldn't drift back up a river - they flow out, to the sea. Did he shoot himself in the river, and then the gun was pulled out to sea, but not the body? I think you could flesh out your details more.)

Richard checked his watch again. It was nine o'clock. Time to leave. (The preceding events took three hours?)

As he opened the door, one of the women in the back of the cafe looked up. "Look!" she cried. "The door is opening by itself!"

The waitress stopped wiping the counter. "It's just the wind," she said. "Nothing to get upset about." She closed the door behind him and returned to her work.

So much for leaving unnoticed…

Richard made his way to the side of the street. A red taxi pulled up.

"Destination?" said the driver.

"Nowhere," said Richard.

The driver let out a low whistle. "Alright," he said. "But you know there's no coming back."

Richard climbed in. "Sure," he said.

"Any last regrets, ghost boy?" asked the driver.

"Yeah," said Richard. "I wish I'd shot myself somewhere else."

I like the finishing dialogue! I think you have a good start, but some places need to be fleshed out and clarified. I was also confused about Richard's decision to just leave. He's been sticking around for three years as a ghost, and is upset that his brother is being accused of his murder, but then he just up and leaves? Why now? He's not going to try to help his brother? Also, why are the authorities so convinced Anthony is the murderer? Did they rule out suicide?

Just some questions to think about... I hope they help! I love these stories with the twisty endings where the main character isn't what you thought they were.

[BlancheKing]

I liked it. It kept me engaged. Nice balance switching between narrative and dialogue. I had a feeling about the twist before I hit the end. Is there a word count restriction on this piece? If not maybe a little more info in some parts could be good. Some parts were maybe just a hair too vague.

thank you =)

Actually, this was supposed to be for a 600-or-less-words writing competition I saw while browsing through this forum. But this morning I had seconds thoughts about sending it in, so I've been showing people around my dorm and getting feedback.


edit: =D hey! I just realized you're the one who posted the contest. Thank you x2

[TheShadow]

I liked it, nice twist at the end. Some questions did come up, though.

What struck me most was the 3 hour time frame from when he first looked at his watch to the end... it didn't seem to add up at all.

So he waited around for three years. I thought maybe because they found the body he can finally leave, but then I wonder what the whole thing is with Anthony. Is he content with Anthony taking the fall, or just resigned that he cant do anything about it? I didn't quite understand and there doesnt seem to be enough connections for anything other than guesses.

Good otherwise, I enjoyed it.

[Ryan]

Cool. I'm glad the contest posting spurred you on. Sometimes all we need is a deadline and a push. It's also nice to "finish" something and take a break from our WIP. Your storyline is a tough one to fit into 600 words. Let's see....if you haven't sent it off yet you've got about 8.5 hours to make revisions. Midnight eastern time is the deadline. Maybe you can try cutting the conversation between the two woman so we get all our info from the T.V and Richard. This will give you some words to play with to clarify things. I like the dialogue but bouncing between the dialogue, Richard, and the T.V might be too much for such a short piece. Sometimes it helps me to keep asking, "What's the spine?" And then try and stick to it and cut unneeded details.

Just some more quick thoughts.

I just sent my piece off. I'm pretty stoked with the creative buzz it gave me. The video I made for the piece felt really good. I'm going to continue the story and make more videos. I can't leave 'the man' hanging in such a sad place.

Video...http://thechinproject.wordpress.com/201 ... est-entry/

Good luck

so I've been showing people around my dorm and getting feedback.

Been a long time since I've been in a dorm...